Juan v Juan me, I dare you.


https://imgur.com/a/ztTvi
"I remember the first time this kid walked into the place. I say walked but I swear it kind of looked like he was floating on air. He was wearing this weirdass grey gui and sandals. His eyes looked like they were burning red but you could tell it was from no sleep and too much CRT. He didn't really 'talk' so much as he communicated through a series of facial expressions. Anyway, this kid walks over to the counter, buys an all-day pass, 4 bowls of kimchi, 4 cans of arizona ice tea, and looks directly at me and says (and I say 'says' but I swear he didn't actually use words) "Valar Morghulis". Well this was weird as ♥♥♥♥ because only a week earlier, the local sponsor for the big $5,000 LAN we were hosting had pulled me aside and told me that a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up kid might show up and ask to register a 1-man team for the tournament. He told me that the kid would say the phrase "Valar Morghulis" and that I should register his 1-man team, despite our rules.

The first game JD (as those of us who knew him call him) played was on de_inferno. He literally sat in spawn the entire T half and allowed the CTs to 14-0. On the 15th round, he bought for the first time: a desert eagle, a grenade, no armor. He then threw the grenade directly in front of himself and naded down to half hp, then typed "Hello. My name is JuanDiego Montoya. You killed my brother. Prepare to die." Next thing I know, this kid bunnyhops up T-ramp, up the ladder, quick deags two mid awpers, bunnyhops down to Mexico and gets two Banana pusher with one taps, and now with 2 rounds left, he shoots one off in the sky and starts yelling at the top of his lungs "VALHALLLLLAAAAA" and just runs straight up mid towards the last dude who is now trying to rotate through boiler. Now this last dude was actually one of the only known players to ever master the complete recoil pattern of the para. His name was Johnny R and one time we actually calculated that he could compensate for about 97% of the para recoil... and he had a para! Well JD pushed out of mid exactly as Johnny R pushed out of boiler, Johnny R quickswitches to para and starts letting out the sickest para spray I have ever seen, like 100% accuracy to JD's dome. And then, the incident. Few counter strike players know this, but back in 1.6, you could actually anti-recoil an opponent. Basically, if you could do a pixel perfect opposite movement of the recoil pattern your opponent was inputting, the game essentially "blocked" that specific bullet from registering. So as Johnny R is emptying the entire para clip at JD and hitting 100% recoil compensation accuracy, JD is hitting 100% anti-recoil. It was some crazy ♥♥♥♥ to watch. Then you hear Johnny R's "click click click" and JD quickswitches from knife (you need to have knife out to anti-recoil) to the desert eagle, and with the last bullet, he one taps Johnny R.

Entire LAN is quiet for 7 full seconds. Count out to 7 right now... that's a long ass time. Then, before any of us have a chance to say anything, we realize that the round hasn't ended for some reason... behind JD, something spawned in Mexico. I can't tell you exactly what because all I could see was a bright white light on my screen... but I looked over to the JD's screen and his was the only one that actually showed this demon looking creature with a sceptre. JD needs to reload, demon is rushing at him, instead of bunny hopping away or going down with his knife, he starts to type out "JAB JAB FORWARD JAB FIERCE" in all caps into the console. Everyone's screens go black, flicker 5 times, and then light up again. JD was gone. The map was set to de_dust for some reason but in T spawn, beside a dead terrorist body, there was a chest. I looted it real quick and held onto it for years. Then, one day, I randomly thought about trying a CS GO operation key on the chest. And that's how I got my Deagle Diego Hellfire."