Are You Sure?
By the Reverend Sir Doctor Stephen T. Colbert DFA

Did you hear that? No? You're probably going deaf.
It's your kids back home cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven? Did you set the alarm?
They still haven't caught the man with one arm.

Look around at these people. How safe do you feel?
Your car, when you parked, did you lock it?
Thinking reasonably now, what are the odds that nobody here's a pickpocket?
That guy who just coughed down your neck, could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch, did it fail its health inspection?

A mad man could set loose a virus for which there isn't a cure.
And while these things may be unlikely, ask yourself: Are you sure?
And can you be sure that you won’t get Ebola from a tainted diet cola,
Toxic waste or getting chased by a bearded Ayatollah?

Funnel clouds and hail, anthrax in the mail.
Your lover will discover your vestigial tail.

Someone's robbing your house.
I can see through your blouse.
Your mother was right, you chose the wrong spouse.

Unlabeled Drano, tornadoes, torpedoes.
The horrible sight of some Guidos in Speedos.
STDs, PCBs, SUVs, UV Light.
A giant pimple on your face, you have a date tonight.

Choking on a biscotti.
Being whacked by John Gotti.
Getting trapped over night in a full port-o-potty.

And I have one final fear to drop in your bucket
About a friend of a friend of a friend of the man from Nantucket:

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who no one was able to scare.
He wouldn’t join panics
About the Hispanics
And later he was killed by a bear.

True story.