Just jerkin it.

Where is everyone? Stop being somewhere else you knobs.



Wondering how to make the perfect omelet? There is more than one way of making omelets. Many different ingredients can be used for the fillings and the possibilities are endless. Use one or more of your favorite foods. Some classic omelet fillings include shredded Cheddar or Gruyere cheese, sour cream, diced ham, crisp bacon, sautéed mushrooms, bell peppers or tomatoes, caramelized onions, fresh herbs, even tasty leftovers from last night’s dinner.

Feeling elegant? Combine broccoli, Brie and toasted almonds. In a south-of-the-border mood? Try corn, salsa, chorizo and jalapeño cheese.

Make sure the body is face up. If the body is front-side down, gravity will pull the blood down to the lowest parts of the body, particularly the face. This can discolor and bloat the facial features, making it more difficult to create a life-like appearance for the viewing.

Remove any clothing that the person is wearing. You will need to see the skin for signs that embalming is working, so the body will remain uncovered throughout the procedure. Also remove any IV needles or catheters that are in place.

- Typically, you'll need to catalog any property found on the person, as well as any cuts, bruises, or other discolorations at this time on your embalming report. This will also be used to document the procedure and chemicals used in the process. The report acts as insurance if the family chooses to sue the funeral home for any reason.
- Respect the body at all times. Use a sheet or towel to cover the genitals, and don't leave tools laying around on it while you're working. Assume the family may pop in at any moment.

Disinfect the mouth, eyes, nose, and other orifices. Powerful disinfectant is used to clean the features, inside and out.

- Inspect the deceased in regards to the type of fluid you will need. Some embalmers will use this opportunity to mix all the fluid they'll need for the procedure, to get it ready. Usually 16 ounces of fluid with 2 gallons (7.6 L) of water is a good dilution.

Shave the body. Typically the face is shaved at this point, as you would shave yourself. Men are usually always shaved, though women and children are also often shaved to remove any stray hairs or "peach fuzz" from the face.

Break the rigor mortis by massaging the body. Massage the major muscles groups to relieve the tension and move stiff joints to loosen them up. If the muscles are tight, they will increase extra vascular pressure, diverting embalming fluid away from where it needs to go.


Setting the Features

Close the eyes. Use great care in setting the eyes. Typically, the eyelids tend to sag back in its socket, so a small piece of cotton is placed between the lid and the eye to round it out. In some cases, a plastic eye cap is used for this purpose.

- Eyelids are never sewn shut but may be glued shut in some cases.
- The features need to be set before the embalming fluid is introduced, because that fluid will "set" the body fairly rigidly, making it difficult to do it afterward.

Close the mouth and set it naturally. One of two methods is typically used to set the mouth.

Sometimes, the mouth is sewn shut using suture string, passing a curved needle through the jaw under the gums and back up through the septum. Avoid tying the string too tightly to give the jawline a natural appearance.

An injector gun is also commonly used in conjunction with a mouth form. Like a mouthguard or a dental prosthetic, the mouth form holds the jaw together according to the natural bite and alignment of the jaw. This method often includes less room for human error.

Moisturize the features. A small amount of cream should be used on the eyelids and lips to keep them from drying out, giving them a natural and lifelike appearance.


Embalming the Arteries

Choose your incision site. The arteries are embalmed by simultaneously introducing embalming fluid (a mixture of formaldehyde, other chemicals, and water) into an artery while draining the blood from a nearby vein or from the heart. It takes about two gallons of fluid to embalm a typical body.[2]
On men, the incision is made near the base of the SCM muscle and the clavicle. For females or younger people, the femoral site is most popular.

Make your incision. Clean the vein point off, create an entrance point, and insert the drain tube towards the heart. Tie a ligature around the lower side of the tube.
Do the same for the artery except insert the cannula instead of a drain tube. Place the cannula forceps on the artery locking the cannula in place. Use the small locking forceps to clamp off the upper side of the artery and restrict the flow.

Turn on your embalming machine and distribute the fluid. While the embalming is taking place, wash the body with a good germicidal/antibacterial soap and be sure to check for drainage while massaging the limbs to push blood out and embalming solution in.
When the fluid enters the arteries, pressure will build throughout the veins, which means the fluid is moving throughout the body. You'll notice the veins bulging somewhat. Open the jugular drain tube periodically to allow blood to escape and relieve the pressure.

Slowly decrease the pressure. When you have about 20% of your solution left, turn off the machine and reverse your cannula to the other side of the artery you chose to inject. This will embalm the part that was blocked by the cannula previously. Be sure to turn down the pressure, as the fluid only has to go a short distance, and you don't want to "pop the eyes."
In the case of the femoral, this will embalm the lower leg. In the case of the right common carotid, this will embalm the right side of the head.

Finish. When you've embalmed to your satisfaction, or run out of fluid, turn off the machine, remove the cannula, and tie off the veins and arteries you used. Suture the incisions closed. Use sealing powder to ensure there is no leakage.


Embalming the Cavity


Use a trocar to aspirate the organs. Now that the arteries have been cleaned, you need to clean the inside of the organs before bacteria and gas builds up and excess fluids purge from the nose or mouth.

Aspirate the chest cavity. Insert the trocar 2 inches (5.1 cm) to the right and 2 inches (5.1 cm) superior to the umbilicus. Clean out the hollow organs such as the stomach, pancreas, and small intestine.

Aspirate the lower cavity. Remove the trocar, turn it around, and insert it into the lower body, aspirating the contents of the large intestine, bladder, and in the case of females, the uterus. The anus and vagina are sometimes packed with cotton to avoid seepage.

Inject cavity fluid into the torso. Cavity fluid is usually 30% formaldehyde, and the gravity injection method is typically used to push the cavity fluid into the hollow organs, sterilizing and preserving them.
Make sure you get both the upper and lower organs. This step is crucial in preventing "purge."

Remove the trocar and close the hole with a trocar screw. Clean out your trocar and put it away.


Casketing the Body


Wash the body thoroughly. Using the same disinfectant used earlier, clean the body thoroughly to remove any blood or other chemicals left behind by the embalming process. Use delicacy and care in this process.

Touch up the features. Lifelike makeup will be applied to the face, the fingernails will be clipped, and the hair should be styled and groomed.

Dress the body. Generally, the deceased's family will choose the clothes to be worn in the casket. Dress the body carefully and appropriately.
Sometimes plastic underwear is used to protect especially leaky bodies.

Place the body in the casket. Arrange the body peacefully. Consult the family for any advice or further instructions regarding the presentation.

For a sweet omelet, omit pepper and add a dash of sugar to egg mixture. Fill with preserves, finely chopped toasted nuts or berries; dust with powdered sugar. For an elegant touch, spoon a tablespoon of warmed Cognac or Grand Marnier over and flambé.