Greetings! This is a short and simple guide that will help you get all 69 Postal 2 and 20 Paradise Lost achievements!
The guide is complete, but may get expanded and edited in the future.
Something you need to know before you start.
Be sure to point out errors and typos.
This is my first guide ever, enjoy.

This guide was created during: Steam-US-4444-Hotfix 1 patch. If something is different then you'll have to report it.
Guide ver.: 0.98.1

##Changelogs##
>v0.98.1
Updated some Paradise Lost achievement descriptions based on user feedback.

>v0.98
Paradise Lost achievements and screenshots added.
Guide title and description updated.

>v0.97
Minor changes. 2 achievements updated.

>v0.96
Guide got first screenhots and a new screenshot guide.
Additional achievemnt acquiring methods added.

>v0.95
Text guide created.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Finish Monday.

C U Next Tuesday
Finish Tuesday.

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!
Finish Wedneday.

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays
Finish Thursday.

Workin' for the Weekend
Finish Friday.

Screw Bill Lumbergh!
Finish Saturday.

I swear, I thought it was a home fill
Finish Sunday, this one unlocks when you're watching the final cutscene.

Thanks for the money!
Finish Sunday, unlocks on final stats screen.

You'll get these if you'll finish all seven days.

I should buy a boat
Pick up the newspaper in the beginning of each day.


Lieberman is our Leader!
When you'll reach the front of RWS office you'll see a bunch of protestors. Kill all of them.

Fur Sure!
Get the paycheck. Take care of the protestors. Then... kill Vince (head of RWS) and Mike J. (VP of RWS). if you're not sure who are you supposed to kill - simply kill everyone.

There's always money in the banana stand
When you're on the bank errand instead of waiting in the line go to the right and you'll find a path that leads to the vault. Take the moneybag and escape through a secret opening bookcase. As you'll enter the tunnel you'll get the achievement.



And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree
After you enter the library kill all protestors that circling around at the main hall.

Officer McLovin'
Simply ask an officer to sign your petition.

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway
When somebody refuses to sign your petition... kill 'im.

One time, at band camp...
When you start tuesday there's a marching band on the street. Follow it. When it will make the final turn (the stairs are gonna be in front of them) a taliban will spawn in a bush, behind them. He'll run towards the band and will explode. Simply kill him. If you don't make it - reload or leave the area for a moment.

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace
When you pee on your dad's grave some rednecks will uh... kidnap you. After you escape from lair of rednecks you simply kill 10 random people.

FAB-U-LOUS!
You have to wear three outfits. Normal, police officer, gimp suit. You get the suit on wednesday and you can get the police uniform at any day. See "Señor Cornballer" or "Don't taze me, bro!" if you want to know how to get the uniform.


You are not alone
You have to see somebody going Postal. Go to Lucky Ganesh, employees only room. Go upstairs and enter the last room. You'll see 3 talibans with knife. One of them will scream "Your mother is a goat who my father services" and they will attack you. You should get your achievement.



Where's Mr. McGibblets?
Get the last Krotchy figure. Head back and confront Krotchy with a rocket launcher. Kill him.


SCREW that game!
When you'll be visiting the junkyard you'll have to pick up the alternator. After that dogs will attack you. Get rid of them and follow the maze-like path until you reach a toxic rainbow pool. There's gonna be a bush next to it. In the bush there's a copy of Postal III. Pee on it.

Gary vs. a Giant Penis
When you finish the last friday errand the apocalypse will start. I suggest that you go to uncle Dave's birthday party last. After the apocalypse starts go to Toyz 'n tha hood. In the under development zone you'll find a standing stepladder. There's an open 2nd floor area not far from there. Carefully kick the stepladder to the opening. If it falls over - reload. Climb up, follow the path and get the achievement. In-depth guide available.


Michonne ain't got nothin' on me
Can be done when you'll have a scythe AND when there's a zombie apocalypse (aka @ Apocalypse Weekend). Smash a zombie head (shotgun, sledgehammer, whatever). Slice the zombie in half. Pee on the upper body until it starts to fly around.

Shiva Blast
When you're on the cow slaughter mission simply throw the sledgehammer at a cow from behind.

R. Kelly's Protege
Just pee on somebody's face until they start to puke.

Duck Dynasty
Find a Bass Sniffer (a radar) and use it.

Here, Wilfred
Find a dog. Tame him by either playing fetch with somebody's head or just drop a dog treat.

Chapelle's Show
Find a place where police officers are patrolling around. Drop a doughnut behind their backs and pee on it. They'll notice it soon enough, will pick it up, eat it and then ... puke.

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa
Pick up a cat my simply walking to it (hopefully it won't run away) or find catnip and drop next to some cats. Get a shotgun or an assault rifle. select a cat in your inventory and press use (enter).

Do you even Enzyte, bro?
Just unzip in front of women until they start to laugh (some will run away or start to shoot you, tho).

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog
Decapitate somebody and kick a head next to a dog. The dog will play fetch with you.

Finkle IS Einhorn!
Decapitate somebody and kick the head.

I Am Legend
Find a crowd (3+ people). Press the suicide button (press K) and then fire. This achievement can be done along with "I don't need virgins for this".
Cannot be completed in Enhanced mode.

Friend of Dorothy
Shoot police officers and max out your wanted bar. Then either hide or kill everyone and wait till the wanted bar disappears.
Other methods:
1) You can surrender and get arrested. The bar disappears, you get the achievement.
2) You can put on the officer's uniform, bar disappear, you get the achievement.

Paid the Piper
Attract officer's attention and select money. When the officer wants to arrest you stand in front of him and press use button (enter) and your wanted bar will disappear.

Well, aren't YOU a badass
Simply kick any door.

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you
Set somebody on fire (with gas canister and matches, as an example) and pee on them.

It's sterile and I like the taste
Pee on your own head by just aiming above yourself.

I don't need virgins for this
Find a taliban member, stand next to him and kill yourself (press K) and fire. This achievement can be done along with "I Am Legend".

Chuck Norris'd!
Simply jump and kick somebody until he dies.

Gotta pay the Troll Toll
Enter the secret sewers behind Postal dude's trailer.

Found 'em faster than GWB
Enter the secret sewers. Explore the area, shoot the switch behind the bars which will open both doors in front of you and on the ground level. Go to the ground level and follow the path until you reach platforms and pipes above the pit. Explore around, killing the terrorists, climb the ladder, jump on the pipes and continue to the next area. You'll end up in a mountain area, follow the path, kill everyone (don't fall down) and soon you'll find the entrance to the secret base. (screenshots may be added later on)

John Rambo'd!
Go to a crowded area. Attract cops and start shooting everyone. Postal dude is gonna start to count "And one for <something>". Shoot everyone until he's done counting.

Cesar Millan is Gay
Find a dog and either play fetch with him or give a dog treat. Attack a person near the dog so the dog also starts to attack. Wait till the dog kills the person, then attack another person. Repeat 30 times. Usually after a while dog gets bored, so play play fetch again or drop another treat.

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale
You have to kill people with fire. Easiest way is to use the napalm launcher. Only a death caused by fire counts, so keep that in mind as setting people on fire with gasoline or molotovs isn't lethal from the first try (they'll still be alive and crawling).

Rebecca Black's Nightmare
Shoot cars until the explode. Simple enough.

Hello, Newman
Find a dog. Kick a dog. Either kill it or do whatever you like. Can be done along with "♥♥♥♥♥ on a Pedestal". After kicking the dog kill it with a cat-silenced shotgun.

Darth Maul'd!
Find a scythe. Cut people in half until you get the achievement.

Reddit would be proud.
You have to have 15 cats in your inventory. To pick up a cat simply walk on it. Some cats may run away and you can attract them with catnip. There are a lot of cats behind Lucky Ganesh (secret area).

♥♥♥♥♥ on a Pedestal
Find a cat and a shotgun. Use the cat on the shotgun and kill dogs with it. Can be done along with "Hello, Newman".

Uncle T-Bag
Attract cop's attention. Stand still and get arrested. When you're in the cell start throwing matches at the smoke detector (at the ceiling). Keep trying until there's alarm. Escape and get arrested again. Repeat until you're in the Hopkins cell (wooden door, small window). Escape again (throw matches at the smoke detector near the corner) and escape. As soon as you escape you should get the achievement.

Running With Scissors
Find some scissors. Equip them and run around until you get the achievement. Watch out for police.

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!
Simply kill 1000 people. If you're looking for a fastest way - find an instant decapitation/head crush weapon such as garden scissors, axe, bat, sledgehammer, chainsaw, scythe... and run around smashing skulls. I prefer the bat.

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.
If you did the "Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!", then you should already have this one. You simply have to kill 30 people of each skin color.

Can't Touch This
Find a sledgehammer. Smash 30 heads.

Fear and Loathing
One of few complicated ones. You have to find 10 catnips,10 healthpipes and smoke all of them in 1 session. Meaning you can save/reload but you can't leave the game. Simply gather them and smoke at one time. Locations are lsited below.

Originally posted by Cheesesteak:

A small outline of some catnip locations.

Home:
-On trimming of "Fire In the Hole." Days A and E
-On top of video arcade. Days D, twice on E
-Inside house next to the large stairs. Days B and E

Main Street:
-Behind Lucky Ganesh. All days.

RWS Block:
-In dumpster, behind office. Days B and D
-In secret patio. Twice on day D

Chicken Queen Estates:
-Derelict house. Day C
-Across from redneck house roof, Day E

Greenbelt:
-Furthest asylum, next to stairs. Day B
-Tourism Center, upper floor. All Days.
-Paradise Times Desk. Day E.
-Paradise Times tall cabinet. Day B

Ghetto:
-Hotel, top, furthest room. Days A and C
-Hotel, top, first room. Days B, C, D, and E
-On top of 7th heaven sign. All days.
-House. Days C and D
-On topmost train, Days C and E

It's far from comprehensive, and it's very rough and imprecise, but if you follow this guide you should reach 10 as early as Tuesday. Day A is Monday, B is Tuesday, etc.

Originally posted by Karkat gave me cancer:

There's a Catnip on top of the shelf by the giant chinese takeout box in Paradise mall (Tuesday).

Found another catnip, it's in the burning library on Tuesday near the end.

Originally posted by The Rooster:

There is Catnip in the paradise mall on thursday , it's in the Beast Love, cat/dog house all the way to the left. You could get it on your way to get the Krotchy toy.

Originally posted by GeeJay:

on thursday, aswell in the paradise mall in the pornstrom shop where u can get a kevlar vest there is a katnip in the first room :)

Señor Cornballer
Acquire a police officer uniform (check the in-depth guides below) and eat 30 doughnuts. You can find doughnuts at 7th heaven food store or Paradise mall.

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!
Find a napalm launcher. Shoot it at a crowd. You should be able to burn 5 people easily.

Rick Grimes 4 Life
Decapitate 30 zombies (instant skull smash doesn't count). Simply use axe or garden scissors to decapitate and then smash the skull.

Anger Management With Roger Clemens
Find a sledgehammer. Kick somebody and make 'em flee. Then throw the sledgehammer at 'em.

Don't taze me, bro!
Acquire a police officer uniform (check the in-depth guides below) and a taser (you probably should already have it). Simply taze random people until you get the achievement.

A-Rod Who?
Find a shovel. Go up the stairs near your home or any hill. Decapitate somebody. Slam the head down the stairs. If you're lucky it will fly over 50 meters and will trigger the achievement. Like I've been mentioned before - can be done on any high place.

Door Mat
You have to cut somebody's limbs off limbs but not kill him. Can be easily done with a chainsaw on an officer or a swat member.

These achievements are quite self-explanatory.
Caution: People tend to report that they do not get the achievements while being in Enhanced mode.
So a reminder: Do not use Enhanced Mode or A Week in Paradise modes unless the achievement explicitly requires it!

I've listed most of these in other sections. But here's a separate list.

Mr. POSTAL's Penguins
Play the Linux version of the game. Not exactly a secret, but isn't listed in Steam Achievements and does not count towards 100% completion. Some reports say that it has been removed completely.

There's always money in the banana stand
When you're in the bank, cashing the paycheck you should check the vault (there's a path to the right if you're standing at the exit, facing inside). Next to the wall there's a bookcase (I think, I still have to get this one myself). Secret bookcases usually open by themselves. Enter the secret escape route and you should get this one.

SCREW that game!
When you'll be visiting the junkyard you'll have to pick up the alternator. After that dogs will attack you. Get rid of them and follow the maze-like path until you reach a toxic rainbow pool. There's gonna be a bush next to it. In the bush there's a copy of Postal III. Pee on it.

Found 'em faster than GWB
Enter the secret sewers. Explore the area, shoot the switch behind the bars which will open both doors in front of you and on the ground level. Go to the ground level and follow the path until you reach platforms and pipes above the pit. Explore around, killing the terrorists, climb the ladder, jump on the pipes and continue to the next area. You'll end up in a mountain area, follow the path, kill everyone (don't fall down) and soon you'll find the entrance to the secret base. (screenshots may be added later on)

Gotta pay the Troll Toll
Enter the secret sewers behind Postal dude's trailer.

John Rambo'd!
Go to a crowded area. Attract cops and start shooting everyone. Postal dude is gonna start to count "And one for <something>". Shoot everyone until he's done counting.

Gary vs. a Giant Penis
When you finish the last friday errand the apocalypse will start. I suggest that you go to uncle Dave's birthday party last. After the apocalypse starts go to Toyz 'n tha hood. In the under development zone you'll find a standing stepladder. There's an open 2nd floor area not far from there. Carefully kick the stepladder to the opening. If it falls over - reload. Climb up, follow the path and get the achievement. In-depth guide available.


You are not alone
You have to see somebody going Postal. Go to Lucky Ganesh, employees only room. Go upstairs and enter the last room. You'll see 3 talibans with knife. One of them will scream "Your mother is a goat who my father services" and they will attack you. You should get your achievement.

Achievements: Gotta pay the Troll Toll , Found 'em faster than GWB

As you may know there's a secret base behind postal dude's trailer.


Crouch and follow the pipe.


Soon you'll reach a ladder.


Go down and you'll reach a transition point.


Follow the pipe and find some officer's corpse.


Take the bullet-proof vest and continue. When you'll reach the end of the pipe you should get the "Gotta pay the Troll Toll" achievement.


Shoot the terrorists in the building. Since we're going for the base we're just gonna ignore it. Down the stairs.


Go forth, kill more enemies.


Open the door, follow the path, kill everyone.


Go up the stairs.


Kill more enemies, watch out for molotovs. Through the door.


Follow the path.


We reached the breakers. Shoot at them and it will open the door and raise the bars. For some reason the door opened by itself for me.


A cutscene follows.


Shoot them, jump down (jump on the pipe next to you first).


Here's a screenshot showing the breakers we shot from below.


Follow the opened path.


Soon you'll reach this place. Go through it, kill everybody.


Soon you'll reach the exit.


Be sure not to fall. You'll die. Follow the pipes and jump down on the next ones below.


Follow the stairs, climb up the ladder.


Continue, kill everyone.


I suggest that you'd snipe everyone from here.


While you're there let me point out that there's a shortcut. You can jump on this platform, climb the ladder and you'll be on the right pipes.


However, it's more dangerous, so let's clear the room and use the usual path.


Climb the ladder. Follow the pipe.


You'll reach the first ladder. Ignore it. Continue.


Here's the trnsition point and the exit.


Follow the path. It's linear.


Don't fall down. You'll die. Continue.


And here's the entrance.


Enter it and you'll get the "Found 'em faster than GWB" achievement. Congrats.

Enter the police station. Get rid of anyone who's in your way. Enter the door on the left.


Continue forward and you'll end up in the main hall. Turn right and go further.


Turn right again and you'll reach the armory. You can't enter the room without your uniform, however, you can destroy the door with an axe or equal weapon.



Turn left and go upstairs. Go past cell block A.


Turn left. Go past cell block B.


Turn right and go upstairs.


Go past cell block FU and turn right.



You've reached the Locker Room.


Go inside and open the locker next to the mirror (walk next to it).


Pick up the uniform and press use (enter).


Congrats. You got yourself a police uniform.
===================================================



Finish all friday's errands. It's apoclypse outside. Go to the Paradise Mall.


Enter through the north-west entrance and go downstairs.


Then upstars... and downstairs...


Follow the path. Past the "Sorority Slave Girl Warehouse".


Next to Toyz 'n tha hood you'll se a stepladder. Save.


There's an opening next to the warehouse. Carefully kick the stepladder there. Reload if it falls over.


Climb it. It will probably take multiple attempts.


Follow the path. And you'll get your achievement.

GABAGOOOOOL!
Finish Monday.

Holocaust: Part Deux
Finish Tuesday.

Rain on your Wedding Day
Finish Wednesday.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad
Finish Thursday.

Better than POSTAL III
Finish Friday. You can get this achievement even if you skip all the battles.

Ape Rape
When you'll visit the Creature Control Center and Pets facility you'll stumble upon a little surprise behind the glass. Break the glass and be sure to free all other little "surprises" from their glass dungeons. Cats do not count and will only harm you. Eliminate all resistance and be sure that the little guys survive. If done correctly the achievement will pop up as soon as you reach the facility's entrance.

♥♥♥♥ Message
After you'll ask about Champ enough of times a new marker will appear. Go there and save before entering the room. Enter and as soon as you regain the control shoot the Wiseman.. If done correctly the scene will be interrupted and you'll get the achievement.

PooMasher
When you'll reach the Whipe House you'll have the choice of doing things peacefully or taking the goods by force. To get the achievement you'll have to cough up the dough.

Hobo Sexual
As soon as the day begins start begging for money. Be sure to ask any NPC at least twice. Continue asking NPCs and moving around the areas. You'll get the achievement if you'll collect all donations this way. Each successful donation adds ~$100. Ignore the Zack Ward "hints", but be sure to check the goal of the achievement below.

Ginger Mint
If you're going for Hobo Sexual achievement then you'll have to make a backup save as users report that you can't combine these two achievements anymore (patched). As a solution complete Hobo Sexual, reload and complete this one.
If you collect donations from 7 people you'll get an extra marker. Go to the marker and take care of Zack Ward. You'll get the achievement as soon as he's defeated.

You Snow Nothing John Blow
Wednesday unlocks snowy areas. These two areas contain a bunch of hidden snowmen. To get this achievement you have to find them and urinate on them. It will "count" as soon as they turn yellow. This achievement theoretically can be done later, but I wouldn't postpone it. Here are the locations:
Snowman #1 (Position was changed)
http://steamproxy.net/profiles/76561198000420180/screenshot/393297711627692321
(Oiriginal place)


Snowman #2


Snowman #3 (Hotel, second floor)


Snowman #4


Snowman #5


Snowman #6 (Behind Lucky Ganesh)

To get there you can climb here:


♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Love Cake
During the end of the day you'll be forced to fight someone in a wedding dress. The goal is to ignore the target completely and destroy the cakes instead. You have to use the boss' attacks to destroy the cakes. For that you can stand behind the cake so the boss attacks through it or you can climb on top of the cake (worked during vanilla, back then you could also try destroying the cake yourself). When all cakes are destroyed you'll get the achievement.

Ode to Eddings
Today you'll be visiting the factory. Right after you get the part for your quest an accident happens and you'll be facing claptraps. Instead of destroying them you have to urinate on them. Deactivate them as you progress through the facility. They make sounds and have voice clips, so it's hard to miss them. The final arena will have 3 waves. Use water bottles to refill yourself. As soon as you "defeat" the third wave you should get the achievement.

RAFIBOMB!!!
Recommended day: Monday.
Find the nearest lawman. Crouch and kick him in the nuts 10 times. He won't run away and he'll be facing you all the time. You'll need a health pipe for this or you can simply save before and re-load. Reloading does not reset the counter.

Reddit's Famous Double Dong
Recommended day: Monday, Creature Control Center and Pets facility.
For this achievement you'll need a firearm and Habib's Power Station. Both can be bought or found. The center of the mall, ground floor (place where Gary Coleman was giving autographs) contains 2 "hidden" cans every day. Drink a can and go on a killing spree. Recommended time is during the CCCP quest. There you'll have plenty of hostiles to shoot. Reloading a save does not reset the counter.

Rich on Reddit
Recommended day: Tuesday.
During the business at Whipe House (Tuesday) you'll be introduced to Cash 4 Cats booth. Simply collect cats and trade them here. Cats usually run away, but when they reach the destination you can usually grab them, if not keep chasing. Reloading a save does not reset the counter.
Hovels Area has a cat lady house (rightmost region on the map). Wednesday allows you to access Lucky Ganesh, behind it there are a lot of cats. If you're having trouble catching cats then there's catnip in the City Hall (place next to Asylum, place with big map table), 2nd floor. Another place with catnip (Wednesday+) is 7th Heaven.

BioShocked
Recommended day: Tuesday.
Collect money throughout the city. You'll be visiting the arcade in the mall (Tuesday). If you pack some firepower then you can go to Yeelander's (arcade owner) office and take his gold. Be sure to take him out first, though. There are vending machines placed throughout the city. If you want to make it fast and painless then save, spend all your money and reload, repeat as the counter does not reset. After spending $2000 you'll be greeted with an achievement.

These achievements are quite self-explanatory.

My Name is Jesus
Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild
Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.

Adderall4All
Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Cheesesteak (3 contributions)

Contributors:
Dgek90PL (1 contribution)
eltrutgfmO (1 contribution)
Fhqwhgod (1 contribution)
Kazoolhu (1 contribution)
Purple Stoner Midget™ (1 contribution)
ChaosBahamut (1 contribution)
Kill yourself at the x-mas party (1 contribution)
RhodesianScout (1 contribution)
Karkat gave me cancer (1 contribution)
The Rooster (1 contribution)
GeeJay (1 contribution)
Dio Joestar (1 contribution)

And, of course, special thanks to RWS staff.