could you please return my dog from your car's front bumper thanks

-rep After a good game in csgo, i added him because he seemed like a cool guy. We got chatting, over the next couple of months we became good friends. Lots of banter, lots of great csgo moments and most importantly true friendship. [ret]
I invited him to my house for a csgo lan party. He said he was coming so i was looking forward to meeting him in real life. [ret]
When he arrived at my house, he pushed me against the wall and started nibbling my ear, i felt his hard ♥♥♥♥ push against my leg. I punched him and then 1 deagued him. Turns out he was gay. Don't trust this guy.

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⡇⠶⢈⣵⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄
⣣⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⣡⣿⣿⡟⣿⣿⡿⠟⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠀⢚⣹⣿⣿⠀⠀⣤⣤⡄⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠁⢠⠀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣷⣿⡆⢻⡿⠀⠀
⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠉⠀⠀⠖⠂⠀⠀⣶⠹⣿⣿⡿⠿⠃⡜⠁⠀⠀
⠿⠛⣡⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠐⣼⣿⣷⣦⠀⠀⠰⠞⠀⠀⠀⠀
⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⢿⣿⡿⢃⣴⣦⣤⣀⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡷⣶⣯⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣿⣿⡏⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠀⣿⣿⣀⣌⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⢈⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠀⠀⠈⠋⠁⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁

I was a 5th grade teacher back in '95 and we went on a field trip to Seaworld San Diego. A whole bunch of people were gathered around the walrus tank watching him float on his back and jack off. He had about an 8 year old boy's leg sized dong that he ping ponged back and forth between his flippers after squeezing the flippers together and vigorously going up and down. In between he would let out a massive sigh/gasp with water blasting out of his nose. He rotated between the two for a while, ping pong, ping pong, whack whack whack whack, with everyone just watching. I remember some guy with a massive video camera was recording, and the lady working there saying something like, "Oh, looks like Earl's going at it again." We never saw the end result, but I guess he finished because he let out one last massive gasp, then rolled over on his tummy and swam into his little cave thing. I told the kids this was life and we walked over to see Shamu.

{LINK REMOVED}https://www.wikihow.com/Tie-a-Noose