Dials phone "Hello?" "Hello!" "Hello?" "Who's this?" "Who's THIS?" "I'm asking the questions. I called you." "No, I called YOU. And you sound like the ugliest ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I ever heard." "You sound like the physical manifestation of some loser's inner demons" "Well, you sound like some total ♥♥♥♥♥'s inability to confront the reality of his past actions." "If I ever get your stinky mug in my line of sight I swear to jackoff I'll ♥♥♥♥ your clock off." "Well, I'm going to be the bigger man and hang up fir-" phone goes dead "Dammit!" walks outside and they encounter each other "Listen, we don't cotton to freaks round these parts. Scram, weirdo." "Oh yeah? I don't poly-cotton to coping tropes! Even my own. So why don't you split." "Looks like I already did. You're the sad figment of my twisted psyche's tragic dividend. You're the un-me. I'm the real me. You wanna be me?" "Kiddo, I was the real me when you were still in my shortpants. Hate to break it to you but I wore them first." "Me bequeathed thee the psycho-pathological hand-me-downs." "So you're the one who stained them" "Whoever found it, browned it." "You'd like me to be you, wouldn't me. But it's too late. You snoze, you loze." "You sleeped, you weaped!" "You nap-uh, you get slap-uh!" "Well you slumber, a cucumber!" "You catch up on some zzz'eds, you get out of my heads!" "You slumber... hamburg I don't wanna talk about nothin else!" "Listen, this psyche is not big enough for two metaphysical seekers." "You couldn't seek your way out of a cardboard bag." "Yeah, I know. Cause it would be an egg." "Ooooh!!" turns away and thinks to self "This guy might be better than me" "That's right, I am better than me." "Look buddy, know when you're defeated. Accept your defecation." "No thanks, I'm full. Cause I eat ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ like you for breakfast." "Look at you, you look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance." "Oh yeah? Your mom's so shallow, she probably thinks this quip is about her!" "You're about as deep as a bowl of soup! And your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon." "Hey, say what you want about me, but lay off the soup." "If you love soup so much, why don't you marry soup." "Cause I'm already married to justice." "Yeah, only a blind girl would marry you." "I know everything you're gonna-" "Say. And I know everything you're gonna-" "Don't." "Oh yeah? Well, when God was passing out insight, you thought he said that when God was passing out holy prophets you thought he said oily faucets! Because your soul has diarrhea... of the mouth... faucet." "Are you so dumb you even answer rhetorical questions?" "I don't know, do you." "We can play this game all night." "First of all, it's daytime! And this is no game." "Checkmate." "Oh! So you admit that you're checking me out and you wanna mate! Ooh!" "You gotta license to sell hotdogs, chico man?" "No, they wouldn't give it to me... because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out." "Oh yeah? You only have one penii?! Let me see it." "See with your eyes not with your mouth." "I'll call your bluff. I'll see your penis with your mouth, and I 'raise' you with my hand." "Ante up." "Ohhh, dammit!!" "What's wrong?!" "I crapped out. But I'm tough, I can suck it up." "Okay, count of three we show what's under the loincloth. Wiener take all." "One. Two! Three!!" they reveal their genitals to each other