please tell your daughter to stop filling grandpa's corncob pipe with onion powder.

Roses are red, violets are blue...... ahhhhhhhhh I gotta poo.

you ever go off your rocker with betty crocker?

I ate too much fettuccine alfredo last year and my doctor said to stop. I did and now the bistro went out of business.

i turned a macaroni noodle into a flute and joined the philharmonic orchestra

Thanks for attending my vasectomy reveal party! I'm sorry you passed out during the procedure but I figured why not reveal and just go for it!

someone threw a banana peel in front of an old woman shopping at target. mario-karted her straight down the aisle

i'm feeding my goldfish a carton of goldfish. is that cannibalism?

You ever get too high but you friend Shelby is on his way over so you lock all the doors and pretend you aren't home? But his mom dropped him off and this was before cell phones so he was banging on the door for an hour until the hobo down the street chased him away. Bought that hobo a big gulp like every week after that until he got arrested for cutting down Mr. Rosenbaum's cherry blossom tree.

you ever play baseball with a hand full of ham and a hand full of jam?

I saved up for years to get the golden coated pickle.

I threw a pickle at the bus driver and he looked back and ran us off the bridge. My insurance payout is huge but a croc ate my left leg.

The hulk is just a guy who goes to Morristown CrossFit

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───▄▄██▌█ ON MY WAY TO TELL YOUR FATHER
▄▄▄▌▐██▌█ WE ARE SECRETLY MARRIED.
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Used the leftover butter from the crab boil for the block party slip and slide. Everyone smells like old bay

Dear Jerry,

Bingo night was a huge success and mom's pasta salad only gave 7 people Colitis this time. However we're in a bit of a bind in terms of making rent this month and I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll probably have to go to McDonald's again during peak hours and look for loose change in the play place ball pits. Hopefully this time I can avoid the police. Anyways gotta go, tell Milton I miss his muscular thumbs. xoxo

our class pet goldfish got really upset when little timmy ate fish and chips in front of his bowl during lunch

You hear Spiderman is coming to Steam? When I found out I started spraying web everywhere.

There I was, running through the streets. My naked body glistened in the hot sun of Vienna. The salty beads of sweat poured off of my body like a Vienna sausage. The dogs were nipping at my heels, savoring the delicious salty sweat, the peak of human evolution. I finally made it the Cheesecake Factory with only minutes to spare. My quest had just begun.

fernando was the love of my life until the great vienna sausage showdown. i will always love you fernando, until we meat again </3

I desperately needed a date to prom. After being turned down 272 times I had to pull out all the stops. I got on my pogo stick and started flying around like Mr Potato Head on crack. I landed the motherload and married her. Best day of my life and I didn't even bring hand sanitizer.

was that custard or mustard?

Went to Five Guys and they were out of shrimp. They said they never had shrimp on the menu. That's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, I stood there screaming, cracking the free peanuts between my thighs for 6 hours. The Salvation Army showed up and slapped me back to reality with a suppository.

I took the bag of soup from Panera and filled water balloons with soup mixture. Then I went to the Macy's Day Parade and fired broccoli cheddar balloons at everyone.

if i bring a worm to a taxidermist, will they stuff it?

I tried grinding fresh dill between my toes to hide the smell but it just smelled like Ghandi going to pound town on a public bus.

eat the bday shrimp and then tell me about the 57 flavors of heaven that gram gram kept flabbering on about the other day.

you ever raw dog a hot dog?

I'm swimming in yogurt over here! You didn't warn me that Aunt Muriel didn't like raspberry! I been buying it for her for a year and now she brought it all back!!!!

Had no idea that Olivia Gartone was the inventor of the olive garden.The things you learn in Kentucky...

you ever throw a donut in the vitamix just to see if it will turn into a shrimp cocktail? same.

Take off your pants. Lift both your legs. Let the pickle slide out your crack. Watch it slide down the waterslide. Watch everyone scream at the brown pickle.

Pickle Pickle Pickle can't you see, sometimes your juice tastes like pee pee. I just love your pickle ways. This is why I'm pickled but your so moist.

The pizza came but it was 3 days late and the man was screaming at my dog. Really upset me but I couldn't go out there because you left your mannequin in the front lawn and it scares me.

Okay but for real, stop trying to get me to eat my clock. It's time consuming.

Hush little baby don't say a word, papa's gonna buy you a polished turd. And if that polished turd don't smell, papa's gonna squeeze out a fresh shiny pearl.

Someone online told me he slept with my mom so I'm just leaving a comment to see if you're my real dad

i didn't even know what to do when my doctor handed me a slim jim. I used it as a qtip because i was so thrown off. i cant believe he ate it when i handed it back to him

It's like Wonder Woman is now a black guy!!

aunt lara said that when she dies, she wants her ashes to be spread in the next town potluck. Preferably in the chili. She said if you put the ashes in Jeanine's quiche, then you are going to hell.

I can't believe the NBA finals were won with a chicken nugget slam dunk.

Been flossing for days and I still can't get that string cheese out from my toenail.

i am honestly listening to the harry potter theme and crying into a bowl of syrup.

They told me to do The Hustle at prom and I slipped and fell and my dad had to pick me up literally. Anyway lost my virginity that night, was great, see ya around.

well, that's the first time i've seen the couple dance completely naked for their first dance at the wedding. all i can picture is that dong swinging like the pendulum of a huge grandfather ♥♥♥♥. oops...*clock

dude. just played yankee-doodle on my kazoo at madison square garden. best time of my life. the crowd went wild.

This is the last time I take your advice... Do you know how difficult it has been to get rid of all these papayas?! 5 months later and all my electronics STILL smell like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fruit market!!!!

stop telling grandpa that the ground parsley is peyote. He keeps eating it and burying himself in the yard, resurfacing, and screaming "diglet!"

If you had to make love to an egg roll, or otherwise lose the love of your life (because she would go off and join a bee colony), would you do it?

Hey you ever get that mole taken care of? Wanna invite you to the BBQ but don't wanna see that thing. Let me know. My best to Susan.