I'm your friendly neighborhood restraining order collector. I'm under house arrest for shoplifting Twisted Tea from the local Dollar General. I'm not allowed within 1000 yards of a military base, government building, or retirement home. There is a government sniper that is hired to make sure I don't escape my living quarters. His name is Fred, but I call him Fred the Fed. I am expected to show up in court on the 16th of June, 2024 for burning leaves in my backyard without a burn permit as well as alleged possession of marijuana.

UPDATE: In court I informed the judge that I, in fact, pay her salary and she let me go with all charges dropped! I'm now free to roam the streets on my unregistered dirtbike once again.

PS. The profile picture ain't actually me irl. It's a drawing.