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It's been a month or 4 weeks and 1 day.

I talked to her today, in the early morning. She doesn't feel anything towards me. It's my fault it happened. I see it now. It's sad and I'm almost crying but I have to move on. Life's hard.

Gym and Education are the only 2 things that will bring me friends, job and pretty much everything I want in my life. It is also my only ticket abroad. I live in small country that has no future. I want to become part of something you can be proud of. I want to go to the USA. I lost my green card lottery 3 years in a row already but I'll keep trying. Sooner or later I will receive US citizenship and I will become better. I have to work hard, really hard for it.

I also have to change myself. I sacrificed a lot for her, I have to change back, I have to try to bring what I lost. I don't know if it's possible but I will try. It's difficult to deal with all that stress when you're alone. The only 2 people I can talk to are my elder brother which is 9 years older than me and my mother who's judging and may use your most honest and sad "moments" against you, if she's angry, she can't control her anger.

That's it I guess, I'm going to open my "Steam wall" again. The past is past. This is not the end of my story.

Thank you very much for your attention and for your time, I really appreciate that!
If you want to ask me about anything or just talk to be about things, I'll be happy to.
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Start here and go down...



A little over 2 weeks ago (April 25, 2025 at about 11:30 AM) I broke up with my girlfriend after 5.5 years of a relationship, a serious relationship. After these 2 weeks, I still feel empty, hurt and disappointed.
During these 5 years of relationship (and before that there was also 19 months of military service), I lost all my acquaintances and friends. I don’t know why I’m writing all this here, on Steam, on the wall of one of my spare Steam accounts. I just have no one to talk to, no one to pour out my soul to.

I sacrificed almost everything I had for her. So many opportunities in terms of career, life, education. I betrayed my principles and my ideals, all for her. I wanted nothing to interfere with our relationship. We were always frank with each other in absolutely everything, we did not lie to each other. I always tried to be better for her, I always complimented her, encouraged her in everything, was happy for her, helped her morally, financially and physically, tried to be a gentleman, wanted to surprise her and always came up with something unusual. And when I finally started talking about marriage and having a baby, she backed down.
I reread her diary with cards that she once gave me for our two-year anniversary and, to be honest, I even shed a tear. Imagine that you are in an empty room, the weather is cloudy outside (almost raining), you are alone, there is absolute silence and you are lying on the floor and looking at the ceiling - that's how I feel.

Yesterday, when she wrote to me in the evening, I was so happy, as if I were a little child who was bought a cool toy. I went online and read a ton of text and listened to 10 minutes of voice messages. What did I learn? Less than a week and a half after we broke up, she signed up for a dating app and talked to 5 guys, and even went for a walk in the park with one. Was there sex? She says no, and I honestly don't know whether to believe her or not. I know her, I know her very well, she has told me many times that I am closer to her than most of her relatives. But with all this, I don't know what to think. I thought that I would feel hatred, that this would help me "ascend", move on, but instead I began to feel even worse. I quit my job, stopped taking care of myself, I lost my motivation, my desire for everything.

I feel betrayed, in terrible agony, I'm shaking all over. I don't know what to do next. How to live on. There are sketches of course... for example, to go to the gym and take care of myself. Go travelling. But I don't want to do anything alone. I have lost the meaning of everything... She was my only friend, my girlfriend and the closest person, closer than any member of my family. The main fault (which is mine and mine alone) is probably that I am a very correct, old-fashioned and very faithful person. It is difficult for such people to live in the modern world. I was raised this way by my parents, and then I myself adhered to what is correct.