Senaste recensioner av Old Man

Noita is a game in which every pixel has physics and all of it is destructible. Where as most developers would have stopped the novelty concept there and leave it barebones, Noita is an actual game. It has content. A lot of content. More content for than an early access title should have. But the thing that separates it the most from others is that it's fun.

Kinda hard to pinpoint a lore on this game, for finnish people tend to keep a vague ass story and leave it to the players to pick up the pieces (COUGHNUCLEARTHRONECOUGH), but you are a wizard/witch that enters a mine to activate a thing. Your weapons are your wands, and good lord, this is the bread and butter of this game.

The wands are incredibly customizable, capable of reaching insane combos that kill stuff(including you) within seconds. And they look really cool while doing so. Want a fireball machine gun? You got it. Chain lightning? Mhm. An explosive shotgun of death? Yeah, go for it. And it only gets better as you go further down.

The perks don't slack either, for most of them are game changing, ranging from really OP, really fun and really useless, but thankfully those are rare.

There is a lot of enemy variety, changing from floor to floor, all with different attacks to keep you wary 24/7. The humanoid enemies can pick up wands, making them incredibly dangerous(or even potentially harmless, depends on the spells of the wand) and there are even enemies that can kill you in one shot. There is a phrase for this: "Getting Noita'd", it means it doesn't matter how overpowered, broken and/or confident you are, the game will try to kill you. The famous Darkest Dungeon quote also fits here: "Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer."

On top of wands, there's also flasks with liquids and some items. The liquids all have physics and interact with other ones, including environment and enemies. Such as water mixed with toxic sludge nullifying the sludge, or water and lava creating rock to stand on. Other liquids, as well, such as invincibility, confusion, invisibility. There's even a polymorph liquid of two types, one changing you into random enemies, and the more common one transforming you into a sheep with 1 hp. Have fun lol

And what does Noita so very different from other roguelikes? Well have you noticed how you're not forced to go into the cave right away? That you can go left? And there is stuff there? That's because the world is much bigger than you think. This truly is an exploration game and it exceels at getting your curiosity, I don't remember the last time I asked myself so frequently "What is that? What's over there? Where does this lead to? What does this do? Where do I go from here?"

Despite being an Early access title, I recommend it thoroughly, without a doubt one of the best and innovative roguelikes in recent history. The only difference between what I wrote now and what will be when the game releases is that it will only get better.

Well, the review is over, what are you waiting for? A kiss on the cheek? Go buy the game and go ham!

Well howdy-do-dee, folks! It's been like, what, 3 years since I decided to write a review on a game? Any game? Oh who am I kidding, you're here for Cuphead, aincha? And ever since this game's only got funny shÌtposts for the last week, let's get right into it, shall we?

I rate it 10/10.
Well that jumped from 0 to 100 really quick hasn't it
Ok, let me explain:
This is a game you have to experience blind in order to enjoy all it has to give. While this review is meant to be spoiler-free, I highly encourage you purchase it right now, finish the game, and then come back here just to tell me "Jeez random reviewer, this game was pretty good!"
I mean, none of you will say that, but you get what I mean.
Now without furtherado- the review:

• What is this game? It's esentially a boss rush platformer with some run'n'gun levels added in. And of course, it has that 1930's cartoony style as its main premise. Now, why is that important...
  
  
• When it comes to games, GAMEplay comes first, then graphics. However, Cuphead is quite the enigma. When we talk about graphics, we usually have instant comparisons to other games in mind. But when we talk about a graphic fidelity truly unique and with no competitors on the market to this date, can we really say anything? Well I'll say something: it's fùcking beautiful.
  
  Y'see, when I was little, I always watched shows such as Tom and Jerry, Loony Tunes, and even some communist made cartoons(didn't see that one coming didja?) These cartoons were, simply put, the best. Now don't get me as a grumpy grandpa when you read this, the cartoons we have today are great!(Save for TTG) However, these are much more down to Earth than the medium that was from 80s(maybe even later) and forward that were all about these fantastic phenomenons: characters stretching limbs, turning into all sorts of present objects/items, the weak creature(a mouse, a rabbit) would always turn out victorious, that sort of thing,
  
  And this is where Cuphead just NAILS: It doesn't matter if it's based from 30's animation, it still catches what would be relatable to animation in both the world wars: a german rat in a tin can "tank", all sorts of day-to-day objects with limbs, eyes and personas, a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ bee turning into a ♥♥♥♥♥ plane bomber, the usual.
  
  And we have gone so far without even mentioning that the whole game(THE ENTIRITY OF IT) is hand drawn. Exactly as it was almost a century ago. And keep in mind this took 7 years to make(if I'm not mistaken), so that's not something everyone can do.
  
  Now enough chit-chat about the amazing graphics, what about the GAMEplay? Or actually, the story.
  
  
• The story is fitting, given the aesthetic and charm Cuphead goes for. You and your friend buy some lootboxes, then EA steps in and asks for one more purchase, and boom now your credit card is empty. Then EA felt sympathetic and tells you to hunt some Youtubers that owe them money and that's about it. Wait, that's not how the story goes... Ah fùck it, ye get the idea. Now how about that sweet gameplay
  
  
• The gameplay is servicable and it's pretty fun. You play as Cuphead or Mugman, respectively in local co-op, in order to gather the soul contracts for EAThe Devil. As you fight bosses and upgrade stuff, you get to customize your loadout: two weapons, one charm and one ultra. There are a total of 6 charms and weapons and 3 ultras. I've got to say they all do their job well, as for the weapons they always find at least one boss's weakness, and the charms more so stay to preference. I for one found the invincible dashing to be a lot more useful than an extra life. But each to their own. As for the ultras, essentially(God I said that a lot), as you do damage, you fill up a super meter which allows you to do a charged attack with your weapon that does more damage possibly maybe I think idk. Once your super meter is full, you activate your ultra, and all 3 of them have their use in the right circumstances. Now how about them bosses?
  
  
• The bosses are the bread and butter of this game and ye can't deny it. There is just so much variation and creativity going around all of them, I'm almost too scared to even spoil them. Actually, I'm not even gonna. Except to say that they catch the portrayal of a 30's cartoon spot on. That's it, that's all you're getting. Now for that sweet sound.
  
  
• The soundtrack is pretty much entirely just jazz, so if you're a fan of jazz, you'll instantly fall in love with the soundtrack, for it is gorgeous. Do you remember when you died over and over again on Super Meat Boy but you weren't all that frustrated since the music was rocking awesome? Well yeah, just imagine that into jazz and BOOM, there's your soundtrack.
  
  
• Now, the difficulty... it really shows just how casualized both the AAA and indie industry has gotten. People have gone so far to call this(THIS) the "Dark Souls of platformers". As to which I have to say: Just... how fùcking dense are you? If this is the Dark Souls of platformers you clearly have never heard in your pathetic life of The End is Nigh, N++, Spelunky, that japanese pedophile game, and so many other platformers that are considered difficult from stance of gameplay. THIS is how an average game should be like, not the sort of garbage Gone Home is like, where the game plays for itself and you cannot lose. Y'all remember that asian cùntbag that calls himself journalist took him over 60 seconds to finish the tutorial? Goes to show how low we sunk, but to be fair, gaming outlets didn't have any standards to begin with.
  
  tl;dr Now to wrap up, or if you're only reading this, it's no spoiler as I mentioned it from square one that this game gets a 10/10. But why? Let me tell you why: outstanding graphic fidelity, challenging gameplay, original soundtrack and all around lots of fun to have on this indie masterpiece. Whereas games like Undertale absolutely sunk within the spam of 4 months, I don't see this receiving any hate anytime soon.
  
  This has been your round of the mill reviewer, and what are you doing, just play the game already.

Hey kids! Did you know the Soviet Union ended 26 years ago? Yes? Cause' Bethesda sure as ♥♥♥♥ doesn't!
In their head Romania's official language is Russian. Gee, thanks Bethesda! What could we ever do without you.

First you rush Obsidian to release New Vegas so early they had to cut more than 20% of the game and now you pull this stupid move towards non-americans 6 years later. Your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fanfiction game that is Fallout 4 was enough for me to stop buying your games, but this insult now confirms it. I'll enjoy pirating the ♥♥♥♥ out of the new Wolfenstein.

The random number generator rolled 31... and 31, was Receiver.
"What is this guy talking about?" I assume you ask. Well I'm talking about the "unplayed games" month. You know, like every Steam user out there, he buys a game and never plays it ever™? Yeah, true stories. I recommend you do that too: choose a month(emphasis on "month" and not "day" since be honest with yourself, you're never gonna do it "one day", are ye?), google random number generator and go ham! Every day a new game.

And quite frankly, I like this game. I like it a lot.
Why though?
Well here's why:

• It's a proper handgun simulation quite unlike any other ones out there. And I mean it, from ejecting shells from a plain revolver, to loading bullets in a magazine, and even experiencing the recoil that a full-auto Glock has to give! I'm no Hickok45 when I'm talking about guns, but I still know the basics and rules for handling one, and since my country is no America(cuz muh europe) it's rather difficult getting ahold of one(quote difficult, not impossible), so fooling around in a virtual environment with all the right tools is a blessing.
  
  And let's say you're not willingly to either A. get a gun or B. visit America anytime soon.
  That's ok, since if those two options aren't on your list, then these shall do:
  -You are a civilian and just want to experience a handgun without actually going out of your way of actually touching one(believe me, from where I come, people avoid guns like the plague)
  -You are about to and/or will attend in the future either the Police or Military academy. Now remember, just because one will teach you to run after bandits and one will teach you advanced military stuff, that doesn't exclude basic training in handgun usage. For example the police in Sweden uses Walters and I'm pretty sure the rest of Europe(and America) has the Glock17 or later models. And for the military, keep in mind that not every country has the possibility of giving each soldier a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Desert Eagle, so they'll have to make do with what they're given.
  
  
• Additionally, there is a mod for extra guns. That's right! Extra. BIGGER. GUNS! As of making this review I haven't tried it out yet, so expect a lil' edit here sometime soon.
  
  Now I've given my point for the purpose of this game in the world. How about the game itself now?
  
  
• It's an action packed rogue-like in a futuristic funky world.
  
  
• The rogue-like part is essentially what gun you are starting with, the amount of ammo you carry right off, the starting spawn point and the spawns of enemies. Your main objective in the game is to collect 11 tapes that are scattered around the level, and I'm not gonna lie, it can be pretty infuriating as one time I found 2 tapes in the spam of a minute, and another time I've spent 20 minutes looking for one to no avail.
  
  
• There are two enemies in the game. *ahem*. TWO ENEMIES. That's gotta be a new record for the least hostilities in a rogue-like, period! I guess you can count the third one as fall damage kek. Anyway, there is a turret and there is... Clifford's lost freesbie idfk, it's a flying drone, or that's what I think it is. Both of these guys will one shot you, as the player has only one health. The turrets are usually not a problem as long as you spot them first and keep out of sight, and the flying freesbies are the survival horror aspect of your whole life, as they will charge you like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Apache helicopter, John Cena style, and sap the ever living ♥♥♥♥ out of your entire existence. These things will be the #1 thing which will kill you, and don't even dare try to contradict me.
  
  
• The guns require a lot of your concentration in order to progress. Albeit the revolver is the easiest to pick on, the Glock and M1911 sure aren't, and will take some time getting used to(when in doubt, press |?|). And even then, it requires a lot of button operations: one opens the cylinder/ejects the mag, one is used to point the gun when needed, other is for holster, yet another to add bullets, and so forth and so forth. This is the beauty of this game, since even if there are only 2 enemies, your main one is... yourself! YOU ARE WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK! To understand the gun, you must be one with the gun. A quote which no liberal will ever say since they haven't shot a gun in their lifes LMAOOOOO amirite lads or amirite
  That's some political humor right there.
  You haven't asked for it, but you sure got it anyway.
  
  tl;dr So what's the conclusion on this? The conclusion is that I want a sequel, and I want it now. The foundation is here, and doesn't need to be changed in any way. It just needs adding: more enemies, more guns and gun types, more diversity in level generation, more of everything, and let me tell you, if it ever happens, it's going to be one of the greatest rogue-like simulations of the century. Receiver is without a doubt, a special little gem. Everyone should own it, it's gun education afterall, unlike... gulp... religious games...
  
  This has been your anonymous reviewer, signing off.
  Have a swell day.

Bruh, I'm drunk af but I still think I can wrtie a review or somethin idk
So, what's this game about? Haven't you read the store page? GTA meets rogue-like, and it's pretty much true. Albeit in early access, the player(you) can do quite a lot of stuff. Dude, like, a lot of stuff. Don't put me describe 'em now, I can barely type without help.

There are lots of characters, with different abilities and stuff, different starting gear and stuff, and other stuff... stuff. There are unlockable things in the main hub(ala Rogue Legacy), unlocking all sort of new traits(level up thingy), rewards, and even choose other optional items for your said chosen class! It's pretty cool!

There are only 2 areas of this early access thingamajig, but hey, 3 more to come, can't help but wait it out.

Oh, and you can do anything you oh-so desire. Wanna kill EVERYONE? Go ahead. Wanna kill NOONE?? Go ahead. Again. WANNA REIGN TERROR UPON THE WORLD?! Wait, that is like the same thing as the first thing I said. EH.

So as of writing this reviwwe, I have amassed 119 minutes(I think). And I'll make sure to come back.

Oh, and the answer is Merlot. ♥♥♥♥ vodka, get drunk with style bruh/

Yeah, that's the rewieiw thing.

Go home idk

Welcome to 1980. Welcome... to the end of the world. All of the inteligent people died. The stupid lives.

WASTED is... many things. That being a Fallout-esque Borderlands-looking Rogue Legacy-progressing Teleglitch-randomising Spelunky-paced and overall unique rogue-like game. WOW THAT'S A LOT OF WORDS

And now, for an actual review:

• The intro probably left you bonkers, so let me explain that for you: oh, uhm... I actually don't know where to start. How about the premise.
  
  
• The whole thing the game's got running for it is that by the end of the year 1980 a nuclear holocaust happened between the communists and America. To prevent the population from dying, the so called "coolers" were created as a shelter against radiation. Everything is done ala Fallout style so far. However, there's a twist! All of the people in the cooler ended up drunk! So when the earth became repopulable again, everybody was stupid! They drank all the booze they could find, injected everything that was sharp in them and the currency for trading became TP(short for TOILER PAPER), which I have to agree with TotalBiscuit, it actually makes more sense than the Bottlecap currency in Fallout.
  Perhaps you heard about a world where everyone's an idiot, but this game is the first one to put it on paper and it does its job perfectly.
  
  
• And before talking the gameplay aspect, you must think that the story must be weak or mediocre. Now you'd be surprise when I say it... IT'S NOT! It's actually got a good solid story! The world and atmosphere is depicted as you can expect it to be, with wasters(game's pick on wastelanders) spewing non-sense out of their mouth and everything that shines is worth one million more than the second thing that doesn't shine. Now for the story I actually don't want to spoil ANYTHING whatsoever, so I'll just leave that be for now.
  
  
• So, the gameplay. Starting right off the bat, your goal in this game is to get drunk. How do you get drunk? By going in a cooler, of course. The coolers are essentially the rogue-like aspect of this game, in which the map of every floor is randomly generated. And for the most part you'll be spending time exploring all the loose ends until the big scary minigun guy gets ye', which will get to that in a second.
  
  The gameplay in itself is an actual RPG with many FPS elements. You hear that Fallout 4? I said actual RPG, Google it. Anyway, the RPG consists of the loot you find across, which is surprisingly diverse, which again, we'll get to that in a bit, and the charm that makes you the drunkard of the wastes, your S.P.E.C.I.A.L.- S.H.O.T.S.. These are special attributes that change your gameplay, and it's pretty significant. This way, you can actually do multiple playthroughs trying different styles, like laser weapons, melee berserk, gun nut etc. Unlike Fallout however, stats not only can be increased, but they can be decreased as well, meaning you can do literal negative damage at its worse of times. What makes this so worthy of giving a mentioning is how stupid some things can devolve to, which is better to be experienced on your own skin, really.
  
  I have talked about how it's so close to Fallout. Now how about Borderlands? You have 2 ways of playing the game: one being where you are a purist and try to stay as sober as possible, or drink all of the booze possible, turning you into God. The farming of the drinks is surprisingly addicting. And fun. As you go deeper into the cooler, better drinks start to show up, and you won't believe how many of them are there! From simple stat boosts to unique drinks such as "slowing down time in the air" the variety in everything is quite possibly amazing. As an ending point on this topic, the farming is really fun and the rpg play extremely well, with some minor balance issues here and there, but not really worthy of criticizing too hard imho
  
  
• The enemies in this here game are represented by a couple of factions, each one having its own characteristics and backstory and specific combat styles. All I have to say is that everything isn't "many but bland", instead is "few and distinguishable". In the first cooler you'll see just normal generic raiders, but later find charging laser shooting robots and samurais that leap from wall to wall to get you. And that's just to tease you, oh boy, there's more past this point.
  
  Oh, and don't you think I forgot about Mr. Miniguy from earlier. If you spend too much time on a cooler, this big duderino beast will come out to kill you, the S.O.B. Purifier. He has 600 hp with good armor and carries a minigun. If you've seen some negative reviews, you've clearly seen alot of 'em talk just about him. This guy is to make sure you play the game at a high pace and you don't take too much time on the floor. Everyone tends to disagree with this mechanic. I, as a potential future game designer, couldn't agree more with it. Listen, before throwing sh1t at me, how many of you would just stealth the entirity of the floor without getting in any sort of combat whatsoever? You'd all do that, and the game would turn really boring and repetitive and so forth. With this guy, you're always on your toes, or else your booty might be taken away by this guy. And to be frank with you, this guy becomes a JOKE on later levels! I did a complete farming run, and he couldn't do jack to me! I actually killed him specifically for rifle ammo, which is pretty funny. In all honesty, he should be buffed for later coolers, so he keeps being a challenge to the player instead of an ammo sink. But that's just me and my silly dev dreams. Movin on.
  
  
• As a final point, the dailies. These... are the best feature in this whole damn game. Now there are a lot more things to be put in this review, but I'm afraid of Steam cutting me short after every sentence I write, so might as well. The daily runs are, well, a run where you start it up daily and compete on the leaderboard, ez pz. Then what's so damn good about them? Is that you start from ground zero and the run keeps on going forever! Well, until you die, anyway. So none of your brought equipment, none of your special booze powers, just you, your skill, and ALL of the enemies of the game mish-mashed together for an ultimate experience. The difficulty is also much tougher than in your average run, as booze now decreases your max hp and enemies can reach ridiculous amounts of health. It's these kind of things that make you say: "only in a daily". Not only that, but there are many events to happen, there are items you can bring back and use in the base vanilla, and seeing how the devs saw this as a fun and exciting experience, you can even practice them from the main menu at any time! Heck, if you don't like the campaign, I recommend this solely for the dailies! Are just so damn fun!
  
  tl;dr WASTED is truly, if not one of my favorite games of all time, one of my favorite games of the year and one of the greatest rogue-likes to be released! A unique blend of Fallout role-playing and Borderlands art and humour mixed with a trusty procedural-generated playground makes this a whortwhile experience for anyone interested for an unique world filled of drunkards with guns, mutants, katanas and what-not. I purchased this game at a -25% discount and I regret not buying this at full price, as it deserves each and every penny for every second I spent playing it. Highly recommended purchase at any time, and if you do end up enjoying it, please, make sure to share this game with your friends, as it deserves more popularity and recognition than it currently has, which for most indie game that is how the cookie crumbles, but I really do not want to see this one turn up like that. Thanks for the understanding in advance.
  
  As for you Mr. Arthur Podunkian, I said this and I'll say it again: hats off to you, you beautiful b@stard.
  And for you, the reader: this has been your random reviewer on the internet, signing off!

Alright, I shoulda jumped on the bandwagon ever since this game's release on Steam, but I wanted to make sure it's just how I remembered it to be.
AND IT IS!!!
Now THIS means good trust in a company to not ♥♥♥♥ up a mobile port!

Review:

• Whatca need to know about Frontiers? It's the second game in the Kingdom Rush trilogy, and also the second one to hit Steam, and it is a tower defense game, esentially.
  
  
• The concept of gameplay and story is pretty simple: evil guy wants to rule land hurr durr, build towers to spook them, then go after the bad guy yourself and defeat him. And you know? It isn't called Kingdom Rush for nothing, I mean your kingdom is under attack of another kingdom, you defend succesfully and just go after the enemy's ass. You're rushing your kingdom into his face! As much as it sounds like fun, well, it is!
  
  
• Now the gameplay itself consists of you defending a couple of pathways from enemies to reach your booty and you have to build specialty towers for that. There are a total of 4 towers to construct and each one has 3 normal upgrades and 2 branching ones, which change their gameplay all-together or are just straight upgrades to the normal towers, which both options are still nice. Apart from the towers, you also get to choose a hero to help you out in your journey, and you unlock more as you play, and what can I say other than that they all have unique properties and abilities and I'll leave the magic of discovering for yourself ;)
  
  
• Now as of the game's release there is only the campaign available to be played and there are only half the heroes available compared to the mobile version, HOWEVER, all of the remaining special levels as well as the heroes are going to be updated a tad bit later and everything will be perfectly fine, as believe me, all of that content is worth your while.
  bUT mr. ReVIeWeR, hoW CAn YoU be So surE tHey wiLL aDd thEm?!?
  It's simple: proof of Kingdom Rush 1. At launch, not everything was available right away, however in a couple of good working months, all that was promised, as well as its own Steam exclusive levels were added in updates and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Veznan lol
  
  
• Now for the levels themself have been improved quite a bit since its predecessor, and pretty much a vast majority of 'em have special encounters you have to keep an eye on, some being fun, some being challenging and a lot being annoying :)
  
  
• And lastly, 2 more things before Imma go finish the last heroic level: the soundtrack is just as epic as you expect it to be, that's one. Two: each enemy and unit has it's own character portrait, but the towers do not anymore. That made me quite sad, since the ones in the original KR kicked ass!
  
  tl;dr Welp, it delivers what you expect: a solid tower defense game. Now I am not a fan of strategy games at all, but I do recommend this game for anyone, regardless of preferences, as it's just simple to learn and understand and it's just that addictingly good. The final verdict for Kingdom Rush Frontiers as of it's release is a well worthy 9/10. If you're willing to go get this game when all of the levels and heroes have been pushed out, well let me tell you(and this will skip me an edit in the future, trust me) that your game is worth a 10/10! But why a perfect rating? It improves on everything that the original game had, which is strategy and imagination, with more creative towers, more creative enemies and heroes alike as well as the levels.
  
  This has been your random reviewer, leaving his opinion and going. The choice of purchase is all up to you. Have a nice day!
  
  Final note edit: Did you know there's a toilet paper emoticon from this game? Now that's true devotion to emoticons! :krtp:

This game broke me. I haven't played a game to bore me this much since... actually, as a matter of fact any game that I buy and bores me under 2 hours I decide to refund it. I bought this back in 2014, at about 2 months after its launch. Haven't installed it for 2 weeks, like the total ♥♥♥♥♥ that I am, started playing, and I was bored to death, uninstall it, hide it in my library forever. Now, it's summer time and I decide to come back to some of the older games to get some avg completion rate for my 'chievos.

And now we come to the actual game, and let me start right off the bat that the game isn't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ HORRIBLE, ALRIGHT?? There is no need to melodramatise this review for no reason, just as pretty much the rest of the negative reviews are doing it. And before you start downvoting this review for actually being positive, keep in mind this is one man's opinion AND I'm trying to understand the loyal fans of the series. Believe me, I do. For a fact I haven't played any of the previous Thief games myself, however I DID see speedruns and let's plays and I have to agree that the games sure are awesome, even for this time. But now, not as a fan but just as a guy that decided to play this game, let's get riiiiiiiiiiiight into the- nah, not doing the Keemstar thing. This is Thief.

Actual review:

• If you haven't already guessed the premise by the title alone, God, I just don't know what a Thief does in this world, he surely doesn't, you know... STEAL people's belongings by any chance, does he? No, he actually just gives random foot rubs to all civilian he encounters and kisses them on the cheek to say "Good night".
  And yes, you steal stuff. Lots of it.
  
  
• What is the actual story behind this game? Well, imagine Dishonored without all of the cool powers. Then you got Thief, ez pz. The long version is that the city you live in with the name of... "city", has caught a disease called "the gloom". In the game, we don't get to see anything of what the gloom does, so we'll call it dibs and say it's just death. Or black plague the becoming/part 2/whatever. In this dark age, quite formerly and literally, as we'll see about that in a bit, the world, or more like, the "city" is being ruled only by royal blood and the rich, which gets the time period just right. Well, that and the fact that there is an unnatural power that apparently touching you turns you to Superman and the rest get transformed into big scary african monsters. WE ALL LEARNED THAT AT THE HISTORY CLASS, DON'T DENY IT!
  
  That was the overall of the world, by my understanding anyway. And I think by devs standards, too. The other half of the coin consists of the protagonist of the franchise, Garret, following through his new adventure of stealing ♥♥♥♥ saving his sidekick from becoming a godess of destruction and stopping a crazy man of injecting 'juana into people to make them the big scary african monsters. That's not what I had in mind. Especially since we're talking about a game where your main goal is to, you know, steal things. Let's just say you rob the levels in the process, so that counts. Now, onto the gameplay!
  
  
• Since we're talking about thieving people of their belongings, the whole idea of the game is to stealth your way through everything, using your well-acquired gear as well as your Superman powers. Before getting to these subjects, the first is the light and dark mechanics from the previous games. This is your stealth folks: stay in the dark, remain hidden, stay in the light and everyone sees you. Even a 1st year student on game developing can make this happen, how can a big company such as Eidos could ♥♥♥♥ this up? Oh wait, THEY DID ♥♥♥♥ IT UP!
  
  A lot, and I mean it, a LOT of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ areas, both in the hub and the chapters have these places where you can stay right under the lamp post in the middle of the crowd and stay unseen OR stay in a corner covered in darkness but there is this one particle of light and you're given away, just like that. Mates, if you couldn't get the one thing right about a stealth game, that being your actual stealth, you blew it day-♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-one. GOD!
  
  Ugh, I feel bored already. Giving to its credit, there are multiple ways of making your way in or out of a place and the whole game can be beaten as a ghost main. You can access these ways with your gear, which may include a wrench for opening up vents, a prybar for windows, rope arrows(self explanatory), and my favourite: the claw, for reaching higher ground places. Now there aren't that many ways of going your way around(about 2 or 3 per mission), and I think that hurts the game quite a bit, mostly in replayability. Instead, if you want to replay the whole damn thing, you will have to go for all of the loot and collectibles, as well as completing the mission objectives, which aren't that special, but they're there and give extra money at the end of it, which never hurts. On the other hand, the collectibles are looking fantastic, always feels so NICE to get one expensive piece of jewelry made out of gold and all sorts of precious stones and gems with all sorts of meanings behind them. There are also plaques you will find across the city, as well as paintings, which whoever designed them has a mind beyond our plane of existence. He makes furry porn. That's about it.
  
  
• Now to the chapters and the hub said earlier, that's your game. There are a total of 8 chapters and a couple of side-quests and jobs. The hub itself is pretty big, with a lot of areas to explore and collect all of the possible loot. Too bad you can't keep exploring without stumbling on a loading screen. No seriously, what's up with that? I swear that I have waited through more loading screens than my entire Fallout New Vegas career. Hell, Fallout 4 at that. What, did the devs had a problem making the hub actually... OPEN TO EXPLORE?! Not only that, some aparments have thein own loading screens. And they bear nothing. Maybe a collectible and some loot, but no life, no guards, no extra hidden room, no NOTHING. So just a huge waste of time of yet another loading screen. I swear they have a fetish for this. One last thing about the hub is that it actually changes while progressing the storyline, but not by a lot. A few more npcs are added, some guards are removed, some added, nothing particularly noticable, but they are there. Also, from the earlier "dark ages point", I'm surprised how there is no single crack of sunlight to be seen anywhere in the game. Guess they took the dark part a bit too literal.
  
  The chapters themselves... oh god. Let me tell you that the first half is BORING. It feels like all of those levels are part of the tutorial, and that is simply a bad move, as I never felt like I had any of the liberty the game gives you in the the second half. And if you managed to get to chapter 5, that, my friends, is finally the point where the game is starting to feel alive, which is ironic for anyone knowing this chapter. Anyway, from this point I started to see the ways around, use my water arrows to extinguish fire, create mayhem through the guards by simply throwing one bottle and there are so SO many things I was able to do here that I couldn't do previously. Truth be told, I had a lot of fun in these chapters! To the point where I said this game is worth the damn purchase! But it just takes so long until then you'll most likely die of the boredom more than anything else. That and fall damage lol
  
  tl;dr To recap, the stealth is broken, the first half is painfully boring and the upgrades are questionable. But beyond that, in the other half the game is playable it I felt like it was worth spending my time there. The final verdict for Thief is a 6.5/10. I'd say that if you catch this under 10 bucks, it's good. If you find it at 5, you're golden. Steam can't let me write anymore, so I say this has been one man's review, the decision is all up to you.

This game was... rather fun!
Ever since 2015 I wanted to put my hands on this one not just for looking interesting, but for the free android port, too. Now with all of the achievements gotten, I wanted to do a quick review over here. Now let's start!
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Yes, the intro is short and not very informative, but I'm writing this at 12:28 AM, what are you expecting?

Actual review:

• What is this game? Just what it advertises from its long-ass trailer: a rogue-like platformer where you explore rocket launchers and shoot stuff with dungeons. Simple, yet... well nah, that's pretty simple, mate, pretty simple. Did I mention the trailer is unnecesarilly long?
  
  
• The gameplay consists of a never-before seen elements before: platformers and rogue-likes. Never have I ever heard one of these combos before(coughSpelunkyRogueLegacyRiskofRaincough). With that out of the way, you esentially guide your hero through a never ending room generator, splicing/chopping/burning/booming your way to the top of your personal leaderboard. You also have a shield, which blocks damage from upfront and the interesting mechanic of infinite jumps. If this does not sound enjoyable enough, you can pretty much attack your foes at the speed of sound. That means god speed already. If this still did not leave your mouth watering, then we move to the next point.
  
  
• While progressing through the game, you will need to upgrade yourself, and the loot you get will mark your run a LOT. The diversity in weapons is surpisingly big, not that I have the same thing to say about clothing, headgear and shields, but if I have to take some picks, if you haven't seen the trailer already, daggers that make you invisible, katanas that teleport you like a maniac and rocket launchers 'cuz why not.
  
  The weapons are the icing on the cake for me, as every start with different weapons makes you change the playstyle and I love that! Not only that, but as you progress from room to room, you will need some upgrades, and here come the tiers in play: from uncommon to other-wordly, these tiers offer the weapons and armor all sorts of different stats, from simple resistances to health on kill, health regen etc. What I do not like is the fact how all of these stats are the same for everything. What do I mean by this is like, sure you have this dagger that grants hp on kill, but this shirt does the same thing too. You can also have resistances on the dagger and increased damage on the shirt, makes no sense. At all. In my opinion this was outright lazy, but hey, it's stackable, so I don't really brag too much on it. Just throwing my 2 cents in there.
  
  
• Moving on to the enemies, all I can say is "few, but diverse enough".
  
  A problem I seem to keep stumbling on in rogue-likes is the amount of powers the mobs have. For some examples are being how many reskined stats chasing enemies you can encounter, ranging from low health chasing enemy to high hp chasing enemy. That kind of problem is only to blame on the devs' lack of ideas, and that's not a thing we have to be ashamed of, we all run out of original concepts at some point, yet creativity is always replenishable(in most cases anyway). Back to Tallowmere, the enemies here are well designed, ranging from simple archers to huge ugly insects that catch you with your tongue and drag you half a kilometer to it and their thousand of friends below them. Heh.
  
  There is a catch here though, and that is some of the room generations. The RNG in this game is to make rooms with either a lot of nothingness or a lot of corridors and blocks, and some of the enemy placements can outright ♥♥♥♥ you up, and not having corresponsive loot, you can wave that run goodbye. While you can still be very resistant to normal enemies, the champion ones are dangerous and a high priority target in your eyes at all time. These guys are normal enemies that glow red, are a bit bigger in size and deal more damage coming up with a x10 on their health bar, too. If there is one thing that can end your run in this game, it's these guys, and let me tell you, some champions are terrifying(leapers beware ;-;).
  
  There are also bosses in this game, and what can I say? Use the shield a lot and just spam the rocket launcher and GG.
  
  
• The lobby might not seem the most interesting of areas, but many things can happen here, such as:
  -Challenges! One suited fellow will like to get you on a wild ride of "x weapon" only runs or even some disabled stats.
  -Challenges of death! These aren't necesarilly challenges on their own, but they do affect your normal runs, which include no hp regening(ever), less damage, more enemies, more champions etc.
  -Kitty cats! If you suck at the game, you can take one of these cute kitties on your journey to wonderland! Just kidding, you take them out and gut them to death. But hey, you get +10 hp for every kitty slain! You sick ♥♥♥♥.
  -And lastly, Lady Tallowmere! She is a more interesting character, as if you have the chance, you can go back to her when hurt and she will fully heal you. I say interesting, as a lot of rogue-likes tend to be tough as balls, with random health drops and what not, but having the opportunity to leave your enemies as damaged as they are and you to return with full strength is just lovely in my eyes, I really enjoyed this concept, and I still do.
  
  
  tl;dr This was a quite short review, if you read this first you're a lazy person. But, let's say you're in a hurry for some reason and you want the verdict: Tallowmere is a game that gave me what I expected, and that is what it advertised. While some room generations can be a real downer and the game is played pretty slowly, each particular weapon feels fantastic to use, the item effects can turn tides and I can't stop smiling from using the rocket launcher. Ah, yes, I forgot to add the fact how you can shoot a rocket launcher at the speed of sonic. It is not satisfying, but very satisfying. Overall, Tallowmere gets an 8.5/10 from me. Perhaps it'll go to to a 9 once I try the android version, which I cannot wait, but for now I can't say I regret buying this game at full price, and I recommend both casual and hardcore parties on getting this whenever possible.
  
  This has been your random reviewer, signing off, and have a nice day! Or night or whatever, I just want to sleep now. Anyways, good bye!

A guy made me make a shout-out to him.

Shout out to Robert aka S.Rob
http://steamproxy.net/id/toxicro69

Spamming is optional.
Thx.