Old Man 最近的评测

I gave this game a negative review but now I recommend it because I've gotten all of the acvhievements ♥♥♥ u lmao gettouta 'ere.









































Oh, uhm, expecting a serious review? Well, I wanted to leave this as a sh!tpost review, but it's just not in my nature. I'll still leave the first part so people can dislike without realising I wrote an actual review lol

• SOOOooo... this game? What is this game? Well this game is an "unfair" shoot 'em up with incredibly harsh rules. And I mean it, I don't over-exagerate here. No really, the game's hard. You got it? Do you still have casual blood? Nooo? Then let's continue.
  
  
• The premise is simple: reach The Nuclear Throne. How wonderfully unsimple that sounds. And to reach the throne, you have to guide your little addorable mutant over from the campfire through a boundless onslaught carnage that awaits you ahead. Lovely.
  
  
• And these mutants, oh, they are done very well and simple: everyone has a passive, an active ability, and a cool b-skin, which we'll mention in a tad bit. Since there are a total of 12 characters+2 secret ones, you can imagine there's a lot of diversity involved, each offering its own challenge, too. For an example:
  -You've got Crystal. She's unlocked from the start, has 2 extra passive hp(from 8 to 10) and the active ability to shield at will, which deflects projectiles and she's overall immune to damage while shielding. I say overall loosely.
  -And then you've got Melting. He's got straight up 2 hp and gains more rads(xp), and coming with his crippling health and depression is his active ability to blow up corpses. How is that useful? The explosions remove projectiles and damage enemies. Coming with his special mutation, all you're gonna hear late game is going to be pretty much BLAARGHBLERHG BALAAAARHG BLREHG etc. as you exit the level with no witnesses.
  So yeah, very well designed characters.
  
  
• The gameplay itself is fast paced, the bullets are fast, some enemies are fast, but the most important thing that you have to remember is: Everything. Is. OVERPOWERED!
  It's ranging from enemies, to damage, to your own damn weapons(looking at you, SPC). The best way to avoid the unavoidable death is to be good at dodging and never go head-on into danger. That includes your pick-ups, which btw enemies drop rads=xp and have a chance to drop ammo or health packs on their corpses. As much as I've played, few have been the runs that ended because of lack of ammunition, but it could happen if you just cannot aim for the life of you.
  
  
• Speaking of xp, your mutants will level if you picked up enough rads, which grants mutations, and pretty a lot of them can change the course of your game, ranging from more health, homing bolts, and even a very special mutation that differs form one to another. As how much it is different I can say it is game changing for the most part, and I'll let you find out for yourself what does what ;)
  Another thing is that once you hit level ultra(10, that being), you gain the choice between two character-specific mutations, and all I can say is that they're awesome, since if I have to take each one apart, it'll cover the entire review.
  
  
• Moving onto the levels, now THIS is where the RNG stands in. The layouts of all levels change drastically, from open space all the way to tiny ity-bitty corridors. I won't even mention the spawns, those awaken the PTSD in me. Each particular level has its own enemies, which again, they're so many, it'll take a long time, but I can say that for the most part of weapons in the game, there is an enemy that does the exact same thing. Close enough, anyway.
  Once you have defeated the final boss, you are given the option to loop the game, which means you are put all the way to zone 1, all mutations, current weapons, and all enemies are stronger and cluster-♥♥♥♥♥♥ at once. As you can imagine, the best way to put this is "good luck".
  
  
• The crowns. At some point in the game you will encounter a statue, it collects rads, spawns a portal and you get yourself a cool crown. Awesome, yes? Right? For the most part, the crowns are a tad bit underwhelming, and for the most part they're not even helpful. With the exception of Crown of Blood, of course. Esentially, they have to give you an upside and a downside, which it's called a trait, btw. Some of the downsides however are excruciating: no health drops, no ammo drops, SPAWN AT ONE HEALTH EACH LEVEL. As much as the devs tried their best to make the crowns useful, I still think all of them are a myth, as the only true crown is Crown of Blood.
  
  
• Oh yes, almost forgot the B-skins mentioned earlier. The crowns and these skins are the supposed challenges of the game. In order for each crown to be unlocked on a character you have to loop with it, and now for each B-skin it has got its own requeiremens. The unlock process ranges from easy to tedious in a blitz. It can have you go to a secret level on the second stage all the way to beating the third boss on a loop. In the end, we can all agree the skins are looking slick and much more handsome than your starting character. So I'd say are worth it.
  
  
  tl;dr To be frank with you I have mixed feelings about this game. Not about love and hate, mind you, but more like, for how much it has been in early access, it could have been greater than this. But for what it is, it's a good masochistic game to kill some time on. Most of the runs from start to finish are usually 15 minutes, the unmentioned soundtrack in the review is quite beautiful to listen to, and overall this is the best adrenaline rush I've played in my life. I'm sure in the upcoming years, one student will beat this master, but for how it is now, it's the best one of its kind out there. The grade I'm willing to give to this game is an 8/10. Definetly recommend.
  This has been your random reviewer, signing off. Peace!

PHHHHHFFFFF, where should I even start with? 2 hours into the game and I'm already loving it. Crude humour, rocking soundtrack, good controls, and very punishing. Just like my non-existant girlfriend. It tends to get really frustrating once you reach halfway to the concert and die and need to restart everything all again. Sick burn. Overall, I will actually rate this game a 10/10. Now this is not satirical, like other idiots on simulator games, it's serious. Apart from usual games like Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, Nuclear Throne, Team Fortress 2 etc., I haven't found a game so brutal yet so satysfing to pleasure my mental illness.
So take a sip of the 80's babe, you gon' drink some holy water from baptists and play russian roulette whilst tripping out.

It's a good game.
I hope you're looking at my hour count right now.
And you know, like, at everyone else who wrote a review with over 100 hours in? It's pretty self explanatory, since if it was a bad game, you'd not put up so many hours in it, but since it's really really good, that's why everyone plays it for continuous hours.
So if you like playing as a naked baby in a search to kill his mother and making deals with satan, then go ahead, buy it. If not, not.
Also, you can shoot down poop... with your tears.

This game is what Paranautical Activity should have been, but it was not.
Basically, what you need to know:
-there are lots of magic spells to use AND to unlock
-multiple characters that each have their strenght and weakness
-a lot of monsters, more or less fair(talkin' about those homing shots monsters)
-carrrots. That's a monster... and a thing...
-leveling up is harsh but satisfying, unlocking new abilities as you go trough. Your level is reset to 1 after each death.
-there are bosses you need to fight to progress trough the levels, but each of them need a key that you have to find around the map. This mechanic can be annoying from time to time, but I like it from the usual "Find the boss and fight him"
-and lastly, the game is a roguelike genre! That means you can play as much as you want, and (potentially) not get bored sooner or later.
As a final verdict, the game is fun to mess around with, casting spells left and right, I give it a 9/10, just because of the homing shots monsters. Seriously. They are annoying, especially on the last floor, where the rooms are flooded with them. Why ;-;
So yeah, 9/10, would kill carrots by casting skulls at them again.

Alright, what can I say? Well, there's one thing for sure: the music box animatronic can go ♥♥♥♥ itself. I end my speech.

How a wise man said:
"GO PUNCH SOME BAD GUYS IN THE ♥♥♥♥!" - Mr. Torgue

This is one of the best of the best platformer ever made even till' this day. Also, one of the hardest ones.

A very good western RPG. With a very good story. And with very good glithes and bugs. :D

It's ok.

You can be a one-eyed black scottish man wearing silly hats and carrying a piece of meat whearing a shield and having some really swaggy booties.
10/10
Would hat again. Sir.
Ye.