This game was... rather fun!
Ever since 2015 I wanted to put my hands on this one not just for looking interesting, but for the free android port, too. Now with all of the achievements gotten, I wanted to do a quick review over here. Now let's start!
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...
Yes, the intro is short and not very informative, but I'm writing this at 12:28 AM, what are you expecting?

Actual review:

• What is this game? Just what it advertises from its long-ass trailer: a rogue-like platformer where you explore rocket launchers and shoot stuff with dungeons. Simple, yet... well nah, that's pretty simple, mate, pretty simple. Did I mention the trailer is unnecesarilly long?
  
  
• The gameplay consists of a never-before seen elements before: platformers and rogue-likes. Never have I ever heard one of these combos before(coughSpelunkyRogueLegacyRiskofRaincough). With that out of the way, you esentially guide your hero through a never ending room generator, splicing/chopping/burning/booming your way to the top of your personal leaderboard. You also have a shield, which blocks damage from upfront and the interesting mechanic of infinite jumps. If this does not sound enjoyable enough, you can pretty much attack your foes at the speed of sound. That means god speed already. If this still did not leave your mouth watering, then we move to the next point.
  
  
• While progressing through the game, you will need to upgrade yourself, and the loot you get will mark your run a LOT. The diversity in weapons is surpisingly big, not that I have the same thing to say about clothing, headgear and shields, but if I have to take some picks, if you haven't seen the trailer already, daggers that make you invisible, katanas that teleport you like a maniac and rocket launchers 'cuz why not.
  
  The weapons are the icing on the cake for me, as every start with different weapons makes you change the playstyle and I love that! Not only that, but as you progress from room to room, you will need some upgrades, and here come the tiers in play: from uncommon to other-wordly, these tiers offer the weapons and armor all sorts of different stats, from simple resistances to health on kill, health regen etc. What I do not like is the fact how all of these stats are the same for everything. What do I mean by this is like, sure you have this dagger that grants hp on kill, but this shirt does the same thing too. You can also have resistances on the dagger and increased damage on the shirt, makes no sense. At all. In my opinion this was outright lazy, but hey, it's stackable, so I don't really brag too much on it. Just throwing my 2 cents in there.
  
  
• Moving on to the enemies, all I can say is "few, but diverse enough".
  
  A problem I seem to keep stumbling on in rogue-likes is the amount of powers the mobs have. For some examples are being how many reskined stats chasing enemies you can encounter, ranging from low health chasing enemy to high hp chasing enemy. That kind of problem is only to blame on the devs' lack of ideas, and that's not a thing we have to be ashamed of, we all run out of original concepts at some point, yet creativity is always replenishable(in most cases anyway). Back to Tallowmere, the enemies here are well designed, ranging from simple archers to huge ugly insects that catch you with your tongue and drag you half a kilometer to it and their thousand of friends below them. Heh.
  
  There is a catch here though, and that is some of the room generations. The RNG in this game is to make rooms with either a lot of nothingness or a lot of corridors and blocks, and some of the enemy placements can outright ♥♥♥♥ you up, and not having corresponsive loot, you can wave that run goodbye. While you can still be very resistant to normal enemies, the champion ones are dangerous and a high priority target in your eyes at all time. These guys are normal enemies that glow red, are a bit bigger in size and deal more damage coming up with a x10 on their health bar, too. If there is one thing that can end your run in this game, it's these guys, and let me tell you, some champions are terrifying(leapers beware ;-;).
  
  There are also bosses in this game, and what can I say? Use the shield a lot and just spam the rocket launcher and GG.
  
  
• The lobby might not seem the most interesting of areas, but many things can happen here, such as:
  -Challenges! One suited fellow will like to get you on a wild ride of "x weapon" only runs or even some disabled stats.
  -Challenges of death! These aren't necesarilly challenges on their own, but they do affect your normal runs, which include no hp regening(ever), less damage, more enemies, more champions etc.
  -Kitty cats! If you suck at the game, you can take one of these cute kitties on your journey to wonderland! Just kidding, you take them out and gut them to death. But hey, you get +10 hp for every kitty slain! You sick ♥♥♥♥.
  -And lastly, Lady Tallowmere! She is a more interesting character, as if you have the chance, you can go back to her when hurt and she will fully heal you. I say interesting, as a lot of rogue-likes tend to be tough as balls, with random health drops and what not, but having the opportunity to leave your enemies as damaged as they are and you to return with full strength is just lovely in my eyes, I really enjoyed this concept, and I still do.
  
  
  tl;dr This was a quite short review, if you read this first you're a lazy person. But, let's say you're in a hurry for some reason and you want the verdict: Tallowmere is a game that gave me what I expected, and that is what it advertised. While some room generations can be a real downer and the game is played pretty slowly, each particular weapon feels fantastic to use, the item effects can turn tides and I can't stop smiling from using the rocket launcher. Ah, yes, I forgot to add the fact how you can shoot a rocket launcher at the speed of sonic. It is not satisfying, but very satisfying. Overall, Tallowmere gets an 8.5/10 from me. Perhaps it'll go to to a 9 once I try the android version, which I cannot wait, but for now I can't say I regret buying this game at full price, and I recommend both casual and hardcore parties on getting this whenever possible.
  
  This has been your random reviewer, signing off, and have a nice day! Or night or whatever, I just want to sleep now. Anyways, good bye!

This game was... rather fun! Ever since 2015 I wanted to put my hands on this one not just for looking interesting, but for the free android port, too. Now with all of the achievements gotten, I wanted to do a quick review over here. Now let's start! ... ... Yes, the intro is short and not very informative, but I'm writing this at 12:28 AM, what are you expecting? Actual review: [*]What is this game? Just what it advertises from its long-ass trailer: a rogue-like platformer where you explore rocket launchers and shoot stuff with dungeons. Simple, yet... well nah, that's pretty simple, mate, pretty simple. Did I mention the trailer is unnecesarilly long? [*]The gameplay consists of a never-before seen elements before: platformers and rogue-likes. Never have I ever heard one of these combos before(coughSpelunkyRogueLegacyRiskofRaincough). With that out of the way, you esentially guide your hero through a never ending room generator, splicing/chopping/burning/booming your way to the top of your personal leaderboard. You also have a shield, which blocks damage from upfront and the interesting mechanic of infinite jumps. If this does not sound enjoyable enough, you can pretty much attack your foes at the speed of sound. That means god speed already. If this still did not leave your mouth watering, then we move to the next point. [*]While progressing through the game, you will need to upgrade yourself, and the loot you get will mark your run a LOT. The diversity in weapons is surpisingly big, not that I have the same thing to say about clothing, headgear and shields, but if I have to take some picks, if you haven't seen the trailer already, daggers that make you invisible, katanas that teleport you like a maniac and rocket launchers 'cuz why not. The weapons are the icing on the cake for me, as every start with different weapons makes you change the playstyle and I love that! Not only that, but as you progress from room to room, you will need some upgrades, and here come the tiers in play: from uncommon to other-wordly, these tiers offer the weapons and armor all sorts of different stats, from simple resistances to health on kill, health regen etc. What I do not like is the fact how all of these stats are the same for everything. What do I mean by this is like, sure you have this dagger that grants hp on kill, but this shirt does the same thing too. You can also have resistances on the dagger and increased damage on the shirt, makes no sense. At all. In my opinion this was outright lazy, but hey, it's stackable, so I don't really brag too much on it. Just throwing my 2 cents in there. [*]Moving on to the enemies, all I can say is "few, but diverse enough". A problem I seem to keep stumbling on in rogue-likes is the amount of powers the mobs have. For some examples are being how many reskined stats chasing enemies you can encounter, ranging from low health chasing enemy to high hp chasing enemy. That kind of problem is only to blame on the devs' lack of ideas, and that's not a thing we have to be ashamed of, we all run out of original concepts at some point, yet creativity is always replenishable(in most cases anyway). Back to Tallowmere, the enemies here are well designed, ranging from simple archers to huge ugly insects that catch you with your tongue and drag you half a kilometer to it and their thousand of friends below them. Heh. There is a catch here though, and that is some of the room generations. The RNG in this game is to make rooms with either a lot of nothingness or a lot of corridors and blocks, and some of the enemy placements can outright fuck you up, and not having corresponsive loot, you can wave that run goodbye. While you can still be very resistant to normal enemies, the champion ones are dangerous and a high priority target in your eyes at all time. These guys are normal enemies that glow red, are a bit bigger in size and deal more damage coming up with a x10 on their health bar, too. If there is one thing that can end your run in this game, it's these guys, and let me tell you, some champions are terrifying(leapers beware ;-;). There are also bosses in this game, and what can I say? Use the shield a lot and just spam the rocket launcher and GG. [*]The lobby might not seem the most interesting of areas, but many things can happen here, such as: -Challenges! One suited fellow will like to get you on a wild ride of "x weapon" only runs or even some disabled stats. -Challenges of death! These aren't necesarilly challenges on their own, but they do affect your normal runs, which include no hp regening(ever), less damage, more enemies, more champions etc. -Kitty cats! If you suck at the game, you can take one of these cute kitties on your journey to wonderland! Just kidding, you take them out and gut them to death. But hey, you get +10 hp for every kitty slain! You sick fuck. -And lastly, Lady Tallowmere! She is a more interesting character, as if you have the chance, you can go back to her when hurt and she will fully heal you. I say interesting, as a lot of rogue-likes tend to be tough as balls, with random health drops and what not, but having the opportunity to leave your enemies as damaged as they are and you to return with full strength is just lovely in my eyes, I really enjoyed this concept, and I still do. tl;dr This was a quite short review, if you read this first you're a lazy person. But, let's say you're in a hurry for some reason and you want the verdict: Tallowmere is a game that gave me what I expected, and that is what it advertised. While some room generations can be a real downer and the game is played pretty slowly, each particular weapon feels fantastic to use, the item effects can turn tides and I can't stop smiling from using the rocket launcher. Ah, yes, I forgot to add the fact how you can shoot a rocket launcher at the speed of sonic. It is not satisfying, but very satisfying. Overall, Tallowmere gets an 8.5/10 from me. Perhaps it'll go to to a 9 once I try the android version, which I cannot wait, but for now I can't say I regret buying this game at full price, and I recommend both casual and hardcore parties on getting this whenever possible. This has been your random reviewer, signing off, and have a nice day! Or night or whatever, I just want to sleep now. Anyways, good bye!