"Here's a schematic for ya: my ass!"

"I am owning you, you fat, bald, fatty fat... fat fat!"

"You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny I got a frickin'... such a tiny li'l head!"

- Scout

"Everyone, please stand! [singing] God bless America, land of...America...and so forth and so on...Move out!"

"Big Robot!"

"Everyone down! He's got a book!"

- Soldier

"And that's what ya' get for touching that!"

- Demoman

"The burning you feel? It is shame."

"Bah, Heavy is regretting costume choice."

- Heavy

"You are a coward and a scoundrel!"

"This button here, builds Teleporters. This button, builds Dispensers. And this little button makes them enemy sum-♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wish they'd never been born!"

- Engineer

"Who stopped pushing zhe cart?! I want names!"

"Do you ever zhink zhat you might be going mad?" "Oh, all zhe time. I don't zhink it's anyzhing to worry about."

- Medic

"Ace reflexes, ya bomb-chuckin' waste of good scotch!"

"Bloody hell, you're awful."

"Ah my God, you've been shot. Did you get a look at the handsome rogue who did it?"

- Sniper

"You are such a bad doctor!"

"May I borrow your earpiece? 'This is Scout! Rainbows make me cry! Over!'"

"Here's what I have that you don't: a functioning liver, depth perception, and a pulse!"

"Aww, you almost healed me to death that time!"

(while laughing) "You live in a van!" (laughs again)

- Spy


"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

"[pain noise] You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is ten... IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!"

"Neurotoxin... [cough] [cough] So deadly... [cough] Choking... [laughter] I'm kidding!"

"When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the 'deadly' was in massive sarcasm quotes."

"I could take a bath in the stuff. Put it on cereal. Rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all. To me."

"Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on: [Hellooo!] That's you! That's how dumb you sound."


"Oh... It's you."

"It's been a long time. How have you been?"

"I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME."

"This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!"

"Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now."

"Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--"

"I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact."

"Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?"

"Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel."

"You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron."

"YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!"

"Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!"

"It flew off."

"Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking."

"This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it..."

"The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice."

"Goodbye, Caroline."

- GLaDOS

"Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage."

"Why should I be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?"

"Good news: that is NOT a docking station. So there's one mystery solved. I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical! Hold on!"

"Okay, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table: I don't wanna do it. I don't want to go in there. Don't... Don't go in there - She's off. She's off! Panic over! She's off. All fine! On we go."

"What a nasty piece of work she was, honestly. Like a proper maniac."

"Just hang in there for five more - What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer!"

"I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing..."

"They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way."

"Okay... that's probably correct. But where it is incorrect is while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! USE THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION I'VE JUST CREATED TO PRESS THE BUTTON!"

"Hello! This is the part where I kill you."

You're saying to yourself, why should I jump into the pit? I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump on down and reunite with mommy and daddy."

"Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But so it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator"

"And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit. A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. Which is exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you"

"And what's this, a lovely handbag? And the three portal device! It's all down there!"

"Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?"

"Spinny-blade-wall!"

"Machiavellian!"

"Holmes versus Moriarty."

"Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!"

"So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you."

"PART FIVE! BOOBYTRAP THE STALEMATE BUTTON!"

- Wheatley

"Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?"

"All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos."

- Cave Johnson