It has been orgasmed into my attention span that we live in a sobriety I mean society. People smell like animals, and that's why, my good people, I wear deodorant. My keyboard's backspace is broken. You may orbit my belt.

With a heavy heart, I share that I am two days clean of no-fap. The one where you block porn websites via your router through ISP domain. My elevated prolactin levels have personally thanked me through an esteemed letter in the email. You are none the wiser.

Heterophobia, homosapien, one bilateral corneal transplant failure later (this is why I wear coke bottle glasses) had made me into this astound intellectual I am today. Terrible trauma to endure, I know. It is a deeply trainsphobic thought that random people online do not wish to copulate with me after my robotic assisted sex change. That's quite alright. My multi-million dollar Laverne Coxification was still well worth it, might I add! Truly, I have seized the bodacious, boyfriend-free girl to compliment the favor!

And yet, the world is a cruel, unjust, joust? Jovial? Place. En garde! For when we suit ourselves better the pleasure than the pain, oh, it just isn't the same. Shoot the ♥♥♥♥, I can't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ anymore without a 12 step.

Anyways, Adolf Critler was a person, Saddam Hussein, or maybe I'm thinking of Osama. Obama. What watch did Osama bin Laden wear? Ripley wore a Casio F-91W in Alien, as did Obama before he became the president of the United States. Apparently, it's also the only branded thing Osama bin Laden ever wore in public. Osama bin Laden was an anime fan who played pirated Naruto games. Osama was the leader of terrorist group Al-Qaeda from its creation in the late 80's up until his death in 2011 as a result of a US military operation parody.

So if Adolf Hitler would have just spent a little more of his time thinking about how to best draw a circle, the Russians would have had a bit more potato drink to fit into their snowglobe-half-empty, snowy-white Buddha bellies. Gesundheit!

I don't speak German, but I can if you like.

My darling Scheiße, if you have made it thus far, I thank you. I smile upon your internet search history the same way I take off my Starbuck's lid to ensure that the barista included the HEART!!! STOP FORGETTING THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ HEART, YOU MORONS!!! I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BURNT MYSELF LAST TIME CHECKING FOR IT!!! YOU CAN AT LEAST TOOTH PICK IT IN AFTER I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY OVERPRICED VENTI, YOU LAZY, MINIMUM WAGE DESERVING PIECES OF ♥♥♥♥, CUCKS!!! But I digress.

Peace and regards. Get the fuͤck out of my life!

Bazinga!

Nooot!