In the middle of the vast Russian steppe, on the edge of the village of Smolenka, just four days by cart to Malinovka and then a month to Moscow, a grandfather and his grandson sat together on a bench under some birch trees. They quietly enjoyed the beauty of the setting sun, the intoxicating scent of blooming fields, and the warm breeze on their faces. Suddenly, the little boy perked up, thought for a moment, and then carefully said, "Grandpa... tell me... did you know Churila Plenkovich?"

The old man took a deep breath, gazed into the distance, and said, "Ah... so you're asking me, Vanyushka, if I knew Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero?"

"You see, Vanyushka, it’s like this – I both knew and didn’t know him. But one thing is certain: once, and it was a very, very long time ago, I did meet Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero. Here’s how it happened:

I was coming back from the market in Lipovyanka, having sold a chicken and its chicks, in a good mood, singing and rejoicing at the sight of this beautiful world. I must have been about halfway through a shallow forest when suddenly my donkey stopped and refused to go any further. Just as I was about to urge him on more forcefully, I heard rustling leaves and the sound of hooves, and out from behind the bushes rode Churila Plenkovich on his beautiful, large horse, in magnificent harness.

He looked me in the eye, aimed his crossbow at me, and his horse slowly walked up closer. I was so surprised I couldn’t say a word, just stared up at those eyes, waiting to see what would happen. Churila Plenkovich measured me with his gaze for a moment and then suddenly said in a strong voice, 'Get down from that donkey, old man!'

Well, what can I say, Vanyushka? I didn’t want to. But seeing him point that crossbow at me and knowing he wasn’t joking, I got off the donkey. Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, just grunted into his thick beard and said, 'Now drop your pants, old man!'

Well, I’ll tell you, Vanyushka. I really didn’t want to. But with that crossbow pointed at me, and he didn’t seem to be joking... I pulled down my pants. Churila Plenkovich grumbled something into his beard again and said, 'Now have a good ♥♥♥♥, old man!'

What can I say? Vanyushka... I really didn’t want to! Not at all! But you know how it is when someone’s pointing a crossbow at you and not joking... so I squatted right there on the path and did my business. And now imagine this, Vanyushka: Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, looks at me, then at the pile, smirks, and says, 'Now eat that ♥♥♥♥, old man!'

Vanyushka! Well, what can I say? How could I possibly describe it to you?! I was so reluctant! But you know... with that crossbow aimed at me and him looking dead serious... I ate that ♥♥♥♥!

Churila Plenkovich is no made-up name. This hero actually appears in Russian folk tales and the collection Oglas Pisni Russkikh, which F. L. Čelakovský published in 1829. And at that moment, Vanyushka, at that moment, Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, burst into roaring laughter! His mouth wide open, teeth bared, his beard shaking, his loud laughter echoed through the forest. His chest swelled under his armor with laughter, he could hardly catch his breath, and surely a few cones fell from the trees as tears almost rolled down his cheeks...

And suddenly I saw that in his fit of laughter, he dropped the crossbow to the ground. I was scared it would go off, but it didn’t. A flash hit me, and before Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, even realized what was happening, I jumped for it, grabbed it, and aimed it at him.

Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, stopped laughing with a gasp and got serious. He stared into my eyes over the bow’s sight, gauged the iron tip and my finger on the trigger, and suddenly it was silent as a grave. We looked at each other for a moment, I licked my lips, took a deep breath, and said, 'Get down from that horse, hero!'

Well, you know, Vanyushka. He didn’t want to. No, not at all. But as I aimed the crossbow at him, looking serious... Churila Plenkovich slowly dismounted. I watched him stand there for a moment and then said, 'Now drop your pants, hero!'

Well, what can I tell you, Vanyushka? He really didn’t want to. Not at all. But as I aimed the crossbow at him, and he didn’t seem to be joking... Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, pulled down his pants. It was quite a sight, that’s for sure, Vanyushka. I took a moment to admire the view and then said, 'Now have a good ♥♥♥♥, hero!'

Vanyushka... you wouldn’t believe how reluctant he was! Terribly reluctant! Not even a little bit! But you know, with me aiming that crossbow at him, and he didn’t look like he was joking... so there he squatted on the path and, like a true hero, did his business. I looked at him for a moment, then at the pile, and said, 'Now eat that ♥♥♥♥, hero!'

Vanyushka! What can I say?! If only you could have seen how terribly reluctant he was! Just terrible! But you know... with me aiming that crossbow at him, and he not looking like he was joking, he ate that ♥♥♥♥! Vanyushka... how can I put this... it was quite a sight... words can’t even describe it! Such a sight you don’t see in a lifetime! It was so ridiculous, Vanyushka, I couldn’t hold back.

I just burst out laughing right there in the forest, nearly tearing my belly! I laughed so hard! Until in the midst of my great laughter, I forgot I was holding the crossbow! I dropped it, and the sound of the arrow hitting the first tree snapped me back to reality! I grabbed the donkey by the halter and dashed away past the stunned Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero, down the path! We ran for our lives, and I don’t even know how, but I made it home safely before dark.

So... you ask me, Vanyushka, if I knew Churila Plenkovich, the famous Russian hero? It’s like this – I both knew and didn’t know him. But one thing is certain: once, and it was a very, very long time ago, we had a good dinner together."