Este não é um conto de aventuras nem tampouco alguma espécie de “relato cínico”; pelo menos, não foi escrito para ser assim. É apenas um pedaço de duas vidas que correram paralelas por algum tempo, com aspirações em comum e com sonhos parecidos. Durante o transcorrer de nove meses, um homem pode pensar em muitas coisas, desde o mais alto conceito filosófico até o desejo mais abjeto por um prato de sopa – tudo de acordo com o estado de seu estômago. E se, ao mesmo tempo, esse homem for do tipo aventureiro, ele poderá viver experiências que talvez interessem às demais pessoas e seu relato casual se parecerá com este diário.

Assim, a moeda foi lançada e girou no ar; às vezes apareciam caras, às vezes, coroas. O homem, que é a medida de todas as coisas, fala através de mim e reconta por minhas palavras o que meus olhos viram. De dez caras possíveis, eu talvez só tenha visto uma única coroa, ou vice-versa: não há desculpa; minha boca fala o que meus olhos lhe disseram para falar. Teria nossa visão sido estreita demais, preconceituosa demais ou apressada demais? Teriam nossas conclusões sido muito rígidas? Talvez, mas é assim que a máquina de escrever interpreta os impulsos desbaratados que me fizeram pressionar as teclas, e esses impulsos fugazes já estão mortos. Além disso, ninguém pode responder por eles. A pessoa que tomou estas notas morreu no dia em que pisou novamente o solo argentino. A pessoa que está agora reorganizando e polindo estas mesmas notas, eu, não sou mais eu, pelo menos não sou o mesmo que era antes. Esse vagar sem rumo pelos caminhos de nossa Maiúscula América me transformou mais do que me dei conta
Qualquer manual de técnicas de fotografia pode mostrar uma paisagem noturna com a lua brilhando no céu e um texto ao lado que revele os segredos dessa escuridão iluminada. Mas o leitor deste livro não sabe que espécie de fluido sensitivo recobre minha retina, eu próprio não o sei com certeza, então não é possível examinar os negativos para encontrar o exato momento em que minhas fotos foram tiradas. Se eu mostrar uma foto noturna, você, leitor, é obrigado a aceitá-la ou recusá-la por inteiro, não importa o que pense. A menos que você conheça as paisagens que eu fotografei em meu diário, será obrigado a aceitar minha versão delas. Agora, eu o deixo em companhia de mim, do homem que eu era...

DIVINE LIGHT SEVERED
YOU ARE A FLESH AUTOMATON ANIMATED BY NEUROTRANSMITTERS

I simply adore the Megamall atmosphere. The hustle and bustle, the beat of the city, the squirming chthonic energy. Magnificent.

Existence became a scarce product, and the nervebags came to detest the limits. Suffering was born. The second Triagon was content with its power. It was happy. Metabolic domination.

TIRED OF YOUR ♥♥♥♥ LIFE?
NO HOPE NO MONEY?
SUFFER NO MORE
MAKE YOUR OWN RULES

I'm currently working on a series of architectural renderings under the title "In Suffering". My most recent one, waste management in suffering, is a masterpiece.

It assumed total control of the biological shape of things. It became a primal engine of technological progress. And so everything started to twist and turn, pulsate and pump. The infection is final.

Now you've done it you freak ♥♥♥♥. You've ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up. You're being tracked by the Grid. The eye in the sky is watching. We're coming for you. Prepare to die.

TOXIC CRISIS
FLUSHING BIOLOGICAL SYSTEMS

A point in the horizon, a melting scene from your childhood. Your mortality is showing. A frantic drift towards nothing, biology doomed to an infinite recursive loop. Teeth with teeth with teeth. Take a bite. Serene scent of a coastal town, warmth of the sun. Bitter tears. Lust for power. This is where you abandoned your dreams. You are a high net worth individual, an expanding vortex of pathetic trauma. Finally a beautiful ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nerve ape. A pure soul is born, its neurotransactions stutter into being. 30583750937509353 operations per nanosecond. Beauty eludes your porous mind.


The value of Life is negative. The balance of being is rotated by 38 degrees. The surface is full of cracks, a turgid light shines through. Fleshy primordial bodies sluggishly roll down the slope. Only you slide upwards, with a celestial step. You become beautified, a saintly figure. Your pristine idiocy reveals a safe path through the impenetrable fog of Life. Your dull sword cuts through the weak tendons and membranes of the garden of corruption. Sit on the throne of contentment and ferment. Inspect the eternal blue skies of your kingdom. You come to a realization. You pick up an onion and begin peeling.


Onion layer one. Onion layer two. Onion layer three. Onion layer n^n. Aeons have passed and the onion is fully peeled. Nothing remains. It's perfect. You get lost in the point that remains where the onion used to be. Synaptic cascade, neurological catastrophe. The point becomes infinitely dense, the universe condenses into a unicellular being. It screams sin. It craves happiness. It's done with this world. It tries to commit suicide but fails. Sad pathetic mess. You feel pity and disgust but in a way only a being of pure grace can. In your violent mercy you terminate the worldlife.


The living organism, in a situation determined by the play of energy on the surface of the globe, ordinarily receives more energy than is necessary for maintaining life; the excess energy (wealth) can be used for the growth of a system (e.g., an organism); if the system can no longer grow, or if the excess cannot be completely absorbed in it's growth, it must necessarily be lost without profit; it must be spent, willingly or not, gloriously or catastrophically. - Georges Bataille

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the ♥♥♥♥ you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a ♥♥♥♥ about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

It wasn't just the baby that died that day. Something inside Sick Boy was lost and never returned. It seemed that he had no theory with which to explain a moment like this... nor did I. Our only response was to keep on going and '♥♥♥♥ everything'. pile misery upon misery, heap it up on a spoon and dissolve it with a drop of bile, then squirt it into a stinking, puerile vein and do it all over again. Keep on going, getting up, going out, robbing, stealing, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ people over. Propelling ourselves with longing towards the day that it would all go wrong, because no matter how much you stash, or how much you steal you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and ♥♥♥♥ people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again.

I wished that I'd gone down instead of Spud. Here I was surrounded by my family and my so-called mates and I've never felt so alone. Never in all my puff. Since I was on remand, they've had me on this program, this state sponsored addiction. Three sickly sweet doses of methadone a day instead of smack. But it's never enough. And at the moment it's nowhere near enough. I took all three this morning and now I've got eighteen hours to go until my next shot. I've got sweat on my back like a layer of frost. I need to visit the Mother Superior for one hit. One final hit to get us over this long, hard day.

I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way.

It seems, however, I really am the luckiest guy in the world. Several years of addiction right in the middle of an epidemic, surrounded by the living dead. But not me. I'm negative. It's official. And once the pain goes away, that's when the real battle starts. Depression, boredom... You feel so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ low, you want to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ top yourself.