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12 of 28 (43%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Unlocked 4 May, 2023 @ 11:54am

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 3 May, 2023 @ 8:39am

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 3 May, 2023 @ 8:39am

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 10:15am

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 3 May, 2023 @ 8:44am

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 11:20am

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 10:28am

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 10:28am

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 10:42am

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 7 May, 2023 @ 11:21am

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Unlocked 6 May, 2023 @ 10:03am

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 6 May, 2023 @ 10:03am



Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
+2

2 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked