I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… … but then I turned myself around.   What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”   “Um.” —First horse that got ridden.   I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger… And then it hit me.   I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.   What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”   Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.   A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.   Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.   Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”   Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.   The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.   What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.   Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.   What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.   Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.   What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.   The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.   I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.   So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.   What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.   If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.   Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.   I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.   My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.   What’s red and shaped like a bucket? A blue bucket painted red.   What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.   Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.   I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket: “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”   What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear   A limbo champion walks into a bar They are disqualified.   Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.   What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill? Walking… jk, rolling.   What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.   Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.   Two dyslexics walk into a bra.   What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation!   What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge.   What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.   I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.   What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!   What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.   My grandfather has the heart of a lion… …and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.   What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.   A communist joke isn’t funny… … unless everyone gets it.   What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.   UWU