-I am a 6'11" MAN who weighs in at 457 pounds (All muscle. Fat = FAKE NEWS! I have ZERO fat in my body), and loves a good time!
-I have Roman blood. It's true. Write that down.
-I own every type of weapon known to mankind, legal and illegal. They're just for show.
-I've crashed and burned 23 cars, and the one I miss the most was a 2nd Generation Santa Fe.
-I'm best friends with 70 different major brand CEOs and they get me into ALL sorts of events.
-Declined coke from famous rock star Rick James.
-My nephew is John Madden.
-I hate Harry Potter! Started the I Hate Harry Potter Club in 2004.
-Won in a fistfight with Floyd Mayweather because I used my feet. Wasn't recorded, so he will deny it every time when asked.
-I have proof of Atlantis.
-Personally circumcised by Anthony Fauci
-Shot Hitler dead but the world governments had to cover it up for PR purposes.
-There have been 8 failed assassination attempts on my life.
-I whispered in Will Smith's ear at the Oscar's. I'm the one who told him evil things.
-Participated in the trampling of Astroworld.
-Back in 2009 I restored the Roman Empire. It collapsed the same day. Still did it. Gonna do it again.
-Killed Billy Joel in 1998 for having sex with my wife. Any time you saw "him" after was actually a body double.
-Inspiration for the character Vito Scaletta.
-Pulled 500 porks.
-I started the white pine blister rust plague by planting black currants in the 1900's.
-Shook hands with Dwight D. Eisenhower. He had sweaty hands.
-Beat a legal case involving war crimes verses the country of Turkey.
-I know of many creatures that are inside the Great Wall of China
-Supports Capital Punishment.
-I'm the one who pulled the trigger on Osama bin Laden.
-Would have won a few Purple Hearts but it's no big deal really.
-I am sharecropping in my backyard.
-I have proof that aqueducts aren't actually real. I'm not sharing it.
-Voted "Biggest Genesis Fan" in Senior year of Highschool due to a rigged vote.
-Won the Olympics in the years it didn't matter so you all forgot.
-I 100% completed Candy Crush.
-Helped unfunny user "https://steamproxy.net/id/Vivzen" have a good profile by lending him mine
-Built GITMO.
-I gave Phil Heartman's wife cocaine 2 months before she killed him. I was aware of her addiction.
-I have a large bounty on my head in almost every country in South America.
-I was blessed by God the Father and he gave me the Holy Grail. With it, like Arthur before me, I will rule England.
-Hotline Miami 1 and 2 are not fictitious works. They were merely recreations of my life in Ohio.
-My wife is 7'5" and I peg her every night, wouldn't wanna touch her TO BE HONEST!
-Won "Biggest Patriot" Award for outstanding flag maintenance in 1968.
-Started several civil wars on the continent of Africa because I like seeing them play war games.
-I've memorized all the names in the Epstein Black book, I'm coming for you.
-Invented the lawn mower.
-I caused the extinction of the Western Black Rhinoceros in 2006
-Co-Authored The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe unaccredited.
-I conjured a Tulpa in 2011.
-Goblins are real. Found one in Florida and it stole my wallet.
-I own and operate a Model T factory because I want gas prices to be higher.
-Massively increased test score averages for the ACT and SAT to further demoralize highschoolers.
-Saw Elvis point a gun at people with my own eyes.
-I. KNOW. THE. CODES.
-Firm believer in 9/11.
-My house's automatic defense system has killed over 50 people.
-Had lunch with GOOD FRIENDS Dylan and Kyle on 4/19/99, declined their silly offer.
-Saw a real alien in 2006. Shot it dead to rights.
-I planted a bunch of eucalyptus trees in California because some Australian told me to.
-I weld every bike I see to the nearest bike rack.
-Personally have a remnant book from the library of Alexandria.
-Record holder for "Most Cows Killed in 10 Minutes" at an outstanding 6,852 cows.
-Every precious metal on Earth actually belongs to my Great Uncle, Harris VII.
-Was on an episode of Seinfeld, taught Micheal Anthony Richards a new word. Look it up.
-Bee Movie uses no CGI. I trained every bee.
-Killed Chuck Norris. I am the strongest human alive now.
-I was the first choice for the casting of Knuckles in the second Sonic The Hedgehog film, but due to scheduling conflicts Idris Elba was chosen instead.
-I only eat gourmet cheezits.
-I was the president of Albania for 30 minutes. Still considered one of the greatest to this day.
-Orchestrated the eventual breakdown of USSR because their leaders disrespected me.
-Every pet I have ever had is not taxidermied and strategically positioned along the west coast