YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ GRIEF THAT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.

Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my ♥♥♥♥ in handfuls at the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PROUDUCT - but instead the damn thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm ♥♥♥♥♥ in my gaping mouth. Swear to God, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA testers, or whatever brainless ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ digit could enjoy Story Mode CHapter 7. INSULTED.

WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ prix, not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ possible advantage rather than me.

How in the ♥♥♥♥ does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of ♥♥♥♥ next to Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ anywhere near the top ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-♥♥♥♥, THE FASTEST ♥♥♥♥♥♥ IN THE WORLD. 1.21 JIGGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ FUTURE.

But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.

But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of ♥♥♥♥ hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than 4 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ boosts! Add to this the entire course just got ♥♥♥♥ on by some retarded space tiki volcano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.

HURRR you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Wel ♥♥♥♥ that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's ♥♥♥♥ in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear the pained moans and cries for help and the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ game then says, "You beat that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.

It's not any fun if I can't win, you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of ♥♥♥♥ clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game preventsm e from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DIE DIE DIE.