Recent reviews by Karl Pilkington

Dedicated to those who did not live to see this day. Glory to Ukraine! 💙💛

It’s been 15 years since we visited the zone, so remember to wear your gas mask, bring your bolts and diet sausage, and good hunting, Stalker.

Incoming updates will only make this game even better!

❌ Play the game for 10+ years in early access.
✔️ Waiting patiently 3877 days to play the game when it is officially released with no spoilers.

Turns out taking a bullet for someone else isn't as easy as it looks.

Well, I'm a bad ass Cowboy livin' in the Cowboy days
Wiggy, wiggy, scratch, yo, yo, bang, bang
Me and Artemus Clyde frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
A wiggy wig wig wiggy wiggy wig
Fresh cowboy from the west side

Wiggy wiggy scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde frog go save Salma frog polly prissy pants
Go down to, well... rumpletumpskin

I like turtles.

It's free. Must be a store glitch.

(Review text hidden)

After the UN submitted their formal surrender, we were given a week to decide the nature of our servitude. The Ur-Quan demanded that the decision be made through popular vote.
When all the votes were tallied, Earth had chosen not to fight for the Ur-Quan. We had become a fallow slave world. We were given a month to withdraw all our people and equipment to Earth.

Anyone or anything we left off-planet would be destroyed after the shield went up.

Then the Ur-Quan broadcast an odd message:

All objects of human construction more than 500 years old were 'to be abandoned'. We didn't know what the Ur-Quan meant until they moved their Dreadnoughts to new orbital positions and opened fire on the surface with their fusion weapons.

In seconds, large sections of London, Paris, and other European cities were incinerated.

At first we thought they were going to annihilate us after all and we noticed that they were also striking such targets as the Giza Pyramids, the Parthenon in Athens, and Stonehenge. Curiously, The United States was almost untouched. The flaming rain lasted for 40 hellish hours.

It took days after we crawled from our smouldering shelters to realize what the Ur-Quan had done.

Our new masters had targeted every building, monument or other man-made construction older than 500 years and destroyed it. In those two days, we lost most of the history of mankind.

In some cases, the Ur-Quan destroyed places which we did not even suspect were significant. From their positions in orbit, the Dreadnoughts blew away a kilometer of land in central Iraq, vaporized several targets in the Amazon rain forest, punched a big hole through the antarctic icecap to destroy something deep under the surface and melted a broad swath of the ocean floor in the south-eastern Atlantic.

Then, just a couple of days later, the shield went up and our contact with the outside stopped.

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Cheap as free.