If you’re reading this then you think you’re cool enough to leave your family, your friends, your children and live a life of espionage, secrecy and attractive women. Obviously if you’re playing videogames all day long then you’re not cool enough for that but my editor wants me to write this….although I kind of skimmed her email so maybe she didn’t.
Okay so the first thing you want to do is get yourself signed up to some spy agency – I guess you have to be physically fit, intelligent and good looking enough to do that but we can’t all be like me.
Next you want buy your gear; I’m talking guns, clothes, hookers, the whole lot. I prefer a Walther PPK as my sidearm (in fact if its German made then buy it), lots and lots of black and navy turtlenecks and anything that isn’t from Thailand…I err…my last experience with….well I don’t know if I can actually call them women….anyway it wasn’t great.
Next you want to buy a suit – just go to Italy and follow the steps in my famous best-selling book for that. If you’re concerned about how much this is all going to cost then just put it on your Valet’s tab – which of course you are going to have a valet…I mean I don’t actually know how people can live without one.
After this you want to learn as many of the different styles of hand to hand fighting you can. I’d start with boxing as that’s one of the easiest and also hot women dig guys who are big and muscular…which if you’re not…why have you even read this much already…go to the gym and come back in 6 months after you look like a taller version of Tom Cruise.
Okay, once you have done all these, then it’s time to do your first mission. I would just do something easy like kill a high ranking Mafia member…but honestly…until you have Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins echoing in your ears every time you incapicitate some Columbian drug lord then I wouldn’t go onto anything more complicated and dangerous than that. Also get drunk.