6,138 people found this review helpful
2,565 people found this review funny
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Not Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 10.8 hrs on record
Posted: 13 Jun, 2014 @ 6:07pm

I've had my heart broken several times in my life. Once, on Christmas Day 1989, I eagerly ran downstairs and gasped at the sight of what was clearly a crudely but lovingly wrapped skateboard. A skateboard that I had wanted ever since I had seen Marty McFly cruise through the streets of Hill Valley as a stowaway behind an unsuspecting SUV driver. A skateboard with a custom deck, with artwork that would cause my fellow skaters to shout "rad". A skateboard whose wheels would send me gliding across the streets as I headed for the nearest half-pipe. A skateboard of majestical proportion.

I grabbed it, and with shaking hands and a heart beating against my chest, I tore that festive wrapping as hard as I could. Through an intricate web of sticky tape, ribbon and ever expanding wrapping paper, I dug through. Years later, I wondered that this is what Andy in The Shawshank Rdemption must have felt like as he dragged hinself through the tunnels. My own redemption was in sight. My prize was near. Finally, the last shred of packaging fell away to the floor. And there it was... a plastic skateboard from the local store. With stiff plastic wheels. And a picture of a clown on the deck.

That's what playing Aliens: Colonial Marines felt like.
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214 Comments
smiggles 21 Apr, 2024 @ 3:23am 
beautifully written
Jtn7 8 Mar, 2024 @ 12:02am 
get this man a REAL SKATE BOARD!
the_tadosaur 8 Jul, 2023 @ 3:53am 
Sir, your talents are wasted on steam reviews - you need to write a novel! ;)
Rot Face 26 Apr, 2023 @ 9:45pm 
I've heard good and bad things about this game but this review was so eloquently written I regret liking anything I liked about the game
Kuruseida 25 Apr, 2023 @ 8:45pm 
@Hydrostatic check the date this was posted buddy.
Hydrostatic 23 Apr, 2023 @ 6:12pm 
Wow a spammed meme. You never see those in reviews.
Capt.PegLeg 20 Apr, 2023 @ 12:32pm 
@Colonel Calabash, That's because you're too fat to skate.
epoo1 15 Mar, 2023 @ 2:50pm 
Skating is stupid.
666Tytan666 6 Feb, 2023 @ 8:47am 
:lunar2019laughingpig::lunar2019crylaughingpig: so true
CryoDrago 22 Dec, 2022 @ 2:37pm 
stfu