If you win a years supply of calendars, would they only give you one?

"Its like a hot dog down a hallway but..."

"Its like a train through a tube but..."

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you too weak or too strong?

"I'v never failed in my life, I'v just succeded at doing worse than everyone."

"If a book store never runs out of a certain book, dose that mean that nobody reads it, or everybody reads it?"

"When life gives you lemons, complain about the lemons."

"Life is like a video game. We all play the same game, But while some of us are just starting up their tutorials. Others are already at the credits."

"If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear."

"Iv invented a drinking game where when ever my dad says "I love you son" I take a shot, I've been sober for 43 years."

"I much perfer the "sonar" method to pissing in the dark. Just keep shifting untill you hear water."

"The short circuit is an interesting weapon. Its primary fire is a 2 volt taser with the range of a toothpick while the secondary fire will completely stop soldiers or demos in their tracks."

"Am I going to kick you in the nuts? Yes. When am I going to do it? Dont know. Could be tomorr-NOW!"

"Shaquile O'Deal: Neal or No Neal"

"Can you stop breathing and shut the ♥♥♥♥ up."

"What does it feel like to have a penis in your butt?
Same as being a Comcast / AT&T / Verizon customer."

"Finding the hottest thing ever is hard because depending on what you mean by "ever" it could be the stuff inside galaxy clusters, moments after the big bang, or an experiment done in 2012."

"The gods gave us fire. But blowing stuff up? That was our idea." - Ahoy 2017

"Assume the best, but expect the worst"

"Its all ♥♥♥♥♥ and giggles till someone giggles and ♥♥♥♥♥" - uncle bumble♥♥♥♥

"My memory is excellent, it's just short" - uncle bumble♥♥♥♥

"So what we're going to do is get 2 birds stoned with 1 bush" - AvE (uncle bumble♥♥♥♥)

"we'd be ♥♥♥♥♥♥ if aliens where to attack earth. A civilization powerful enough to travel interstellar distances has more than enough power to wipe us in an instant. I wouldnt like our odds even if they just landed one ship with a single dude that walked out naked with a sharp stick." - Isaac Arthur

"What is the most sensitive part of the male anatomy during masturbation? Ears" - AvE

"Peaks and valleys are a part of every person's improvement in things from sports, to video games, to any passion you may pursue. Being able to evaluate specifically what you are struggling with and challenging yourself to make adjustments to improve is what gets you through those dips and breaks past the plateau." - Jbird somtime somewhere

"Iv got a bullet here with your name on it. And am going to keep on firing until I figure out which one it is"

"The thing you are looking for is always going to be in the last place you looked"

"sorting out flyshit from pepper with boxing gloves"

"What do you call a physic gnome that broke out of prison?
A small medium at large"

"Three separate contractors will be commissioned, to fabricate the same safety rail whilst two other firms will be simultaneously removing it and none of them know who is using which ladder and whether or not they've finished with it" - Power Company Contractor

"All the pigeon is doing is trying to impress you, and to him, you're literally a giant yknow. So he has to work really hard to impress you" -pigeon owner