EATS AVOCADO TOAST THEN SOME AVOCADO SANDWICHES FOLLOWED BY DRINKING AVOCADO WINE THEN GOS TO MY JOB STARBUCKS AND COMPLAINS THAT MY PHD IN RUSSIAN HISTORY AND WOMENS STUDIES LEFT ME UNEMPLOYABLE AND 150,000 DOLLARS IN DEBT WITH NO ACTUAL SKILLS EXCEPOT TO SCOLD PEOPLE AT THE COUNTER WHEN THEY ASK FOR A COFFEE INSTEAD OF A MOCHACHIUNOLATTESMOTHIEFRAPPE, OR ASK FOR COOKIES INSTEAD OF ORGANOBISCOTINI. THEN HAS TO TAKE OUT A LOAN BECAUSE MY MANBUN NEEDS GROOMING AGAIN AND WOKE-BUCKS DOESN'T PAY ME ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO AFFORD BOTH AVOCADOS AND BASIC PERSONAL HYGIENE.

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i place my groceries (a box of 7.62x51mm nato ammo, peanut butter, slim jims, a hogshead [~238.5l] of crude oil, american flag, super glue to make sure the windows in my suburban house can't be opened, gift card that entitles the bearer to a doctor's visit, ziploc bags of corn syrup) on the conveyor belt. i fire my pistol once into the air to indicate that i have completed my purchases. the cashier fires their pistol into the air twice to indicate that they have received my message and are ready to begin the checkout process. i'm in a bit of a rush since i have to go back to my job at the demolition derby (i'm there to scout the talent: if they are good at demolishing things i try to recruit them into the army; if they are very good, then into the local nfl team), so i pay the fee to waive the standard two hotdog minimum for waiting in line and instead eat only one hotdog. the cashier has already asked me what church i go to and told me which of their children have which ailments, and handed me the checkout line appetizer list (today's special is jalapeño poppers with crushed up oreos on top) and offered me a beer. i decline, since i already had my 2-3 courtesy beers on the drive across the parking lot. i have brought my reusable tote bags, which i place immediately in the incinerator in order to get enough credit for the 48 plastic bags that i will actually use. i write a separate check for each item, which i sign with an "X" since I don't know cursive, making use of the suggested tip line to tip 15% on all perishable goods, and 20% on all household items. the items are bagged for me by a adjunct professor of philosophy who was recently laid off for being too woke. i tip them only 12% so i don't end up on any lists as a potential terrorist sympathizer. there's a rascal scooter waiting for me at the end of the checkout lane to take me the 10 feet to my suv, but i have to swipe my credit card on the handily provided slot by the wheel to unlock it. i do this, which generates a receipt for me to sign. finally back in my car, i heave a sigh of relief as i prepare for my 3 hour drive back home 4 blocks away (the traffic should get better next year when they install the 12th lane on the highway connecting my subdivision to the strip mall where the store is located), but i am unfortunately incinerated by a GBU-28 laser guided bomb launched by a police helicopter because the OCR on their camera misread my license plate number and thought I was somebody with an open warrant for smelling marijuana smoke in 1998.