I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ a potato when I was 14. I got the idea from a radio show and thought that it might feel good. I cut a hole long ways through the middle and used it to jerk off. It wasn't enjoyable at all and I remember the guilt and shame I felt as I snuck a broken, ♥♥♥ covered potato to the side of the house to throw it in the garbage can. It smelled weird as well.

I told some friends at school and it became pretty common knowledge, not that I cared. I never really had too much of a problem getting laid in my school years and I think me and that potato taught a lot to each other. Some of the girls who heard about it found it kind of intriguing.

Looking back on it that potato was the only thing I've ♥♥♥♥♥♥ that didn't lie to me and betray me. It was there when I needed it, it didn't talk and performed its duties admirably (though it was a bit cold, rough, and slimy) and it probably would have fed me if I needed it to. And I discarded it like so much flotsam in a sea of mediocrity. I'll pay for this mistake for the rest of my life.

Some times at night when I can't fall asleep I still think about you, noble spud. I'm sorry I didn't mash you the way you needed me to, I was young and stupid. Now you're in a landfill and I'm in a bigger, more putrid landfill they call the United States. Maybe on some other life we can, you know...