Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!

I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Why can't an idiot dial 911? -- He can't find the 11 on the phone! <--Answer