this is your brain on salt

Yeah, 3 shots in 1 second with pinpoint accuracy on a shotgun.... nothing sus there?

So I'm just a normal guy, mid-40s, house, kids, Golden Retriever, stable job, you know, the usual. But for some reason I can't stop sniffing public seating. It started in my early 20s after a bad LSD trip. I woke up on a church pew outside an abandoned warehouse. When I came to, I was lying face-down on the seat. It stunk, it stunk like it had been marinating in farts and regret for four decades. And for some reason I liked it. Ever since, I’ve been chasing that smell. Every chance I get, I sniff a seat. At the doctor’s office, soon as they leave, I get a whiff of the spinny stool. On planes, if no one’s next to me? I lean in and get a deep sniff. It's not sexual! But it does excite me.

My wife just found out. Eighteen years of marriage, and now she’s threatening divorce if I don’t “get help.” She doesn’t understand, I NEED to sniff. I need this more than a wife. More than my kids. More than my house. More than my good boy Rosco. So I’m taking a week to figure things out. That’s what I told her. Truth is, I’m not getting help. I’ve booked multiple Greyhound buses and reserved the nastiest motels I could find across three states. It’s a SNIFFCATION. I’m gonna ride those buses face-down on those greasy fabric cushions, breathing in the sweet aroma of strangers' chocolate starfishes. At night? I’ll sleep with my head hanging off the bed, face-down on whatever crusty, unholy cuck chair they’ve got in the corner. I NEED TO SNIFF. Anyway, do you guys think this sniffcation will help me find clarity? Or is the marriage really over?

Honestly, that's what I call a cool story bro. Such a riveting tale, I honestly copy and pasted it to word, saved on my hard drive, backed it up on a jump drive, drove to the bank, put the jump drive in the safe deposit box, and will leave it there until my kids turn about 12 (when they can actually state their age, and ask what it is I'm showing them), when I will pick it up, put it in an old USB drive reader and relay this cool story to them and tell them, "kids, this is what a cool story should look and sound like...not like the stories your generation tells."

chinese food