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113 people found this review funny
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Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 54.2 hrs on record (15.6 hrs at review time)
Posted: 27 Dec, 2021 @ 5:06am

Early Access Review
On my first day I woke up next to what could only be described as a very small outpost. Naturally, I entered it to have a look around. In here I met a man by the name of Joel. He was a bit intimidating at first with his bullet belt and heavily bearded face, but it didn't take very long before Joel and I hit it off. He let me take some of his stuff and gave me a mission that was not too far away from the safety of his outpost. Although, I wish he would have told me about the gates closing if I didn't make it back by sundown. Luckily though, I had already cleansed one of the nearby houses from the undead and that's where I had to stay the night.

It was only until the morning after that I noticed the sign he had put up outside of his outpost (TRAITOR JOEL'S FULL "NO MONEY BACK" GUARANTEE). I had found quite a few houses with loot that would help me progress much faster in the long run, but I couldn't help but notice their lack of food. So with the money that I got from completing my run, I bought food and beverages from a vending machine that Joel apparently restocked each and every day. They might have been a bit pricey, but at least I had a way of securing my next meal. This became the reason as to why the house that I would be building for the next couple of days would be located close to Joel.

On the morning of my 7th day when I was going to "work" as usual, I noticed a lack of undead. While it made the commute easier, it also made me feel a slight bit uncomfortable thinking something was up. The 7th night was creeping up and I had no idea what that would mean for me. I pushed it to the back of my mind as I entered Joel's to receive my mission. The mission this time pointed me towards the northern side of the outpost, a place I had yet to explore...
So I headed out, sweeping each and every trash bag on the way to where the mission took me. With an Iron sledgehammer I had found on my 3rd day, I plowed my way through smaller groups of undead to get to where I needed to be. The mission was nothing special, just your standard extermination. Or, that would have been the case if it wasn't for the fact that I accidentally stumbled upon a pack of undead dogs. My first instinct was to start running as fast as I possibly could without looking back. Stupid as I was, I had only brought the sledgehammer with me as a weapon and that wasn't going to cut it since my opponents were much faster than I was. Eventually during the chase, I reached what appeared to be a bar that I quickly broke my way into. This gave me some time to slowly take out the dogs one by one as they followed me into the building. I wasn't left completely unscathed after that hectic chase, so I basically had to use what little healing items I had brought with me to recover my health. The sledgehammer also broke during the fight with the dogs so I had to use my last repair kit.

At this point, I had completely forgotten about the time and decided to explore the building since from the outside it had looked like it was close to 3 stories high. I took what I could find, noticed that the stairs was broken and then I saw an elevator further into the bar. The elevator didn't work, but I could crawl out of the hatch on its roof to enter the elevator shaft and take the ladder up to the next floor. Unfortunately, I had to waste away on some of the durability of my hammer to force open the elevator door from inside the shaft. Something I would quickly regret as soon as I entered the 2nd floor. I had no way of knowing what awaited me since the sound of my hammer hitting the door was too loud for me to hear what was on the other side...

The door broke and I was greeted by two not so friendly grizzly bears. They both started swinging their paws at me, but I only managed to dodge one of them. I took a heavy blow to the body and fell down the shaft which resulted in me breaking my leg as soon as I landed. The two bears quickly followed me down the shaft, but couldn't reach me through the hatch that I "smoothly" skipped on my way down and onto the elevator floor.

Even though I was very distressed by the "experience", I couldn't help but notice the time and that it was getting late. So not only did I get to experience what it's like to have two heart attacks and a broken leg in a single day, I would soon also get to experience my first bad weekend.

Using a splint that I had just found and then sprinting out the back door and towards where I came from, I ran and ran as fast as my broken leg would allow me to. Somehow dodging the undead in my path, I couldn't help but curse myself for choosing to enter the building that literally had a gigantic sign that mentioned it was a "bear bar". Had my eyes been working properly, then I wouldn't be running for my life at a snails pace, trying to make it back to base.

I had a brief idea as to where Joel's was located from where I ended up and that's where I thought that I would be the most safe on a day such as this. (Spoiler alert): I didn't make it. I had arrived at a bridge next to a lake and that's when the clock hit 10pm. I had forgotten to take a turn somewhere along the way and now the undead was surrounding me, but I didn't have enough time to build barricades or to somehow sprint past one of the hordes on either side of the bridge. A broken leg up against a rabid horde. That's when I came up with a genius idea... "They can't swim, right? So I'll just jump into the water." And that's exactly what I did.

I ran to the edge of the bridge and barely had enough time to climb over the ledge and jump into the water. Now, I had never tried swimming before, so I didn't know that your character is an Olympic gold medalist for "the slowest swimmer". It might've been because of my broken leg, but I guess I kind of figured that my character would be ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ himself as much as I was and swimming for dear life when I turned around and saw the ever so growing school of undead pouring over the ledge and swimming after me.

Hoping that I wouldn't die from hypothermia, I swam for the whole night and when the morning came, I had apparently gotten away from the horde that had been chasing me. So I decided to finally head on back to Joel's outpost. When I arrived and headed on in to buy some food, Joel greeted me and said "You're a sight for sore eyes".
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5 Comments
Dwagyner 26 Jan, 2022 @ 11:58am 
didnt read lol:buzzed:
Yallaen 1 Jan, 2022 @ 7:35am 
Great job!
LeftmostClamp 30 Dec, 2021 @ 3:29pm 
excellent
marsupilamioo7 29 Dec, 2021 @ 10:29am 
😆😆
Rip_Van_Winkle 28 Dec, 2021 @ 5:06pm 
best story ive read in a long time