HOLY COW. Your penis is gigantic. GIGANTIC. Your penis is literally the biggest thing within the tri-state area. Your penis is bigger than a small elephant. It is bigger than, like, a tree. A big ol’ tree. Probably a coniferous. Lots of branches on your penis. You must wake up every morning and thank the good lord above. You are truly blessed. Congrats.

I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

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