96 people found this review helpful
6 people found this review funny
Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 13.1 hrs on record (6.4 hrs at review time)
Posted: 17 Mar, 2014 @ 5:13am
Updated: 17 Mar, 2014 @ 9:20am

Early Access Review
This game contains more walking than the "LOTR trilogy" and "The Way Back" combined.
Sometimes you can see one of the few zombies roaming the lands every now and then if you're lucky and you'll eventually find a ton of weapons that you don't have ammo for or weapon add-ons and ammo for weapons you don't have. Melee combat looks like the karate fighting scene from "Team America". Walking in interiors is a bit stressfull, luckily there is an option to commit suicide now.
There are other people playing this game as well I suppose, however after 6 hours of walking I haven't seen anyone else. This might be a positive thing though, as I don't enjoy eating rotten fruit and drinking detergent while handcuffed anyway.
Dropping items inside buildings usually ends up with the item being stuck inside the building somewhere, so good luck trying to pick it up again, try not to die while clipping through walls and doors. Supposedly you can set up campfires and what not, but finding wood is very rare in this game. I had to walk miles through thick woods armed with just an axe to finally find some wood on a cargo ship.
I think that the game knows what kind of item you are trying to find and deliberatly hides it from you.
I had to scavenge through roughly 150+ kitchens to find a pot. Mostly they were just full of motorcycle helmets. Everyone in this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ had a motorcycle helmet. Unfortunately no one had a motorcycle. I suspect it was a land of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ where everyone would bang their heads on the furniture and surroundings and was a danger to himself and the society and the helmets were thus mandatory.
I'm not sure when exactly is this taking place. This game tries to cofuse me on purpose. Everything you find is broken, desolate, abandoned and dirty resembling years after the apocalypse, but there is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of fresh oranges and kiwis lying around everywhere in this moderate climate country.
Although this might be a plot twist and later when this game is released, there will be some kind of an evil big corporation that turns people into zombies and delivers kiwis and oranges to abandoned houses just to take a piss out of everyone.
Overall this game feels like being assraped by a cactus while trying to ♥♥♥♥ a porcupine, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you're into that kind of stuff. It's also early access alpha, so bear that in mind as well...
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11 Comments
Akkallia 10 Apr, 2014 @ 6:34pm 
This is the best review I have read for this game ever, my girlfriend and I laughed for 10 minutes straight. 10/10 would start corporation to deliver fresh kiwis
UncleUBik 23 Mar, 2014 @ 6:10am 
this is quite accurate of how the game is now
this game has so much potantial but the devs are sleeping on roses enjoying the money they got for a unfisnished game and having a laugh at all the dumbs (including me) who paid for this
Relicc 23 Mar, 2014 @ 1:12am 
I starved to death after 2 hours. All I could find to eat was an entire can of peaches, half a tin of sardenes, and "tactical" bacon. I also had 3 cans of soda to wash it down, but I guess my body just couldn't handle all the scavenging.
Extinction85 23 Mar, 2014 @ 12:51am 
Funny Shit.
D347H 22 Mar, 2014 @ 6:02am 
Thx guys for the upvotes. :)
As you probably guessed from the fact that I've recommended the game, It's all in good fun. Also yeah, all of that in just 6.4 hours. I'm a very lucky person it seems.
I've probably forgotten a few things as well. :)
Sardão da meia noite 22 Mar, 2014 @ 4:17am 
All of that in just 6.4h?
Working Lunch Official✅ 19 Mar, 2014 @ 4:23pm 
Remember: Eating a rotten orange will kill you, just like real life
Neo Scopes 19 Mar, 2014 @ 3:23pm 
hilarious review made me chuckle, there is a brighter side to Day Z of course.. the tense, drawn out gun battles, the random encouters with strangers- weird, wonderful, and mostly bandits, and of course the beautiful map and locations to explore. Give it time, it will improve. +1 still :)
mark117h 19 Mar, 2014 @ 11:44am 
Nailed It Perfectly
Harry 18 Mar, 2014 @ 5:13pm 
This is the best rant I've read in a while XD