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Reapums' Monday Rants: Unnecessary Censorship

22 December, 2014 - Reapums | 0 Comments

Hello my pretty ones! It's that time that your pitiful existence actually counts for something in the form of reading THIS! So rejoice! Get some snacks and stuff yer face, cause here we go!

Now the problem this week is one that often pisses me off for a variety of stupid reasons. That problem being...

Unnecessary Censorship.

Now this problem is a problem that effects ALL of our media. From our movies to our games, to our music and to our art and EVEN to your ♥♥♥♥♥♥ card games. Yes censorship is a problem that plague us daily and it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Now I myself am a VERY violent, lewd and generally distasteful person as you have probably seen from my various PAST rants. And you know what? I revel in it. Rage fuels me, dirty thoughts drive me and curse words fill my vocabulary. So to see perfectly fine outlets of such things be absolutely RUINED by ♥♥♥♥♥♥ censorship is just anathema to me. So lets get into it shall we?!

How about we start with movies and how PG-13 can be the death to a movie. So lets look at The Expendables. First one? Nnnnot so great. Second one? Awesome. Third one? PG ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 13. YEAH! The series that has been, up 'till this point, unapologetic in its violence and crudeness has now gone down the road of being a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PG-13 movie... So now instead of getting to see a guy get torn into meaty chunks by a M2 50. Cal, we instead only get to see them firing it and people and them either "Conveniently" finding cover at the last second, (Pfft. Like THAT'D stop a 50. Cal) or they just fall down unconvincingly. Which of course leaves you feeling COMPLETLY unfulfilled and also undermines the gun itself. I mean when the characters open up on someone with a weapon that sounds like it could kill GOD HIMSELF, and it just has the same effect as a 22. on the people it's firing on? That's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Or how about we go back to one of the examples I used in my LAST rant, being Red Dawn. In the original Red Dawn, one of the only things that DIDN'T land it an R rating was its lack of profanity. But this movie was also coming hot off the heels of movies like Gremlins and Indian Jones and the Temple of DOOM which were basically the movies that were the cause of PG-13, so Red Dawn was able to just barely eek out a PG-13 and was still quite violent and never shied away from gore. Meanwhile, cut to 2012 where PG-13 is a pussifed version of the R rating, and we get the Red Dawn REMAKE! Where there is no gore, no cursing and no nothing. So hey, we can add this to to the ever growing problem that is, remakes.

But of course we didn't come here to ♥♥♥♥♥ about OLD RANTS! Lets continue with this new one. So how about we look at World War Z! You know that PG-13 zombie movie. You know that PG-13 movie that involves walking corpses that bite you. By the way, did you know that getting bitten and having your skin torn off tends to produce blood from the newly opened wound? WELL APPARENTLY NOT! Cause in this PG-13 schlock fest we just get a zombies gently rubbing their teeth on a person which causes the recipient to immediately spaz the ♥♥♥♥ out and zombiefy himself so he to can gently nibble on someone and turn them too into zambies! And of course because it is PG-13 we are lacking in things like... Zombies puking blood on people to infect them. Zombies getting blown up in a gas station explosion. Zombies getting disemboweled by a photojournalist who has indeed covered wars before. And Tallahassee.

And then of course there is the profanity. Or lack there of cause of course we dare not say such words like "♥♥♥♥" or "♥♥♥♥♥" or *GASP!* "♥♥♥♥"! Oh me oh my! My fragile sensibilities! Just typing that made me all light headed! Give me a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ break. People, they're words. You can stop your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and move on to more important things in life. Like things that will ACTUALLY hurt you. But I guess that would be reasonable, instead let us continue to ♥♥♥♥♥ about movies and games cause YEA! Oh and if you though violence and profanity were off limits well say good ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ bye to nudity! If you some much as have a nip slip in a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PG-13 movie BOOM! 'S an R! Enjoy that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

But I also want to put this into perspective. We are more worried about our children seeing things like a woman's breast or a dudes junk then we are of them seeing someone get gunned down. The anatomy of a human being? BAN IT! A human being getting torn to pieces by a machine gun? Acceptable! And of course if anyone drops and F-Bomb run to the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hills. Oops...

And this leads me into my next point. Gaming. Story time! So a few years ago I was in a Gamestop, talking to one of my friends that worked there. Well this guy came in with his son who I swear was about 10 or 12 years old, and the kid starts trying to get his dad to buy him Gears of War. I'm pretty sure you all know of this game but for those of you who don't I have just two words to sum it up. Chainsaw Bayonets. Yea. So the dad is looking the game over as if the box is gonna reveal anything about the game itself. So as he looks it over he goes "Yea well there is cursing in the game you are going to have to play it on mute." So yea. The guy decided that the "Hardcore violence" and "Extreme amounts of blood" were fine but the vulgarity of the characters? That's where the line MUST be drawn.

And what confuses me even more is the rating system for games. Because a game like Halo 2 and almost every Call of Doody game is rated M, right? Yet in Halo almost all of the gore is blue and green alien blood, and Doody doesn't even have gore to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ begin with. World at War was the only CoD game that I think justified it's rating. You know the one that let you turn a guy inside ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ out with a pineapple grenade? Yea that one. And yet what confuses me EVEN MORE is the way people look at these ratings. Cause Doody is STILL getting sold to all the 'lil childrens and I don't even understand how. It's still rated M for violence... It still has people dying... Is it just the profanity that is missing? Is it because we don't have some big guy with a chainsaw screaming ♥♥♥♥ every five seconds the reason the game is A OK in parents eyes? I mean ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hell...

And this problem also seeps into other media like music. Have you ever even tried to listen to hardcore rap or heavy metal music on the radio? Or the "Clean" versions? Try listening to the clean version of Five Finger Death Punch's "Burn Mother ♥♥♥♥♥♥". Yea. I'm sure THAT'LL sound amazing! Just constant disappearance of music, replaced only by the dull void of silence so that your ears could be spared the HORROR of hearing the F-Bomb...

And then you have even more baffling examples of censorship in the form of old Yugi-oh cards. Now I'm not a fan of this game, but I am quite aware of some of the dumb things they did, like add clothing to mermaids because otherwise they may be SCANDALOUS! Or adding mini-skirts to women wearing loin clothes or even replacing a guys guns with knives... I mean come the ♥♥♥♥ on.

And I shall wrap this all up by sending a shudder down any anime fan's back. 4kids. GOODNIGHT!

Reapums Monday Rants: Remakes and Reboots

15 December, 2014 - Reapums | 1 Comments

My computer is back up and running. You know what that means? MORE RANTS! YAAAY!

So the rant subject is one that pretty much always pisses me off when I see a new and that would be the subject of 'Re-imaginings/Remakes' or, as I've come to call them, 'Re-imaginequels'. These ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ things... Lets get into it, shall we?!

So much like my previous rant, this one has a good concept. Remake an older movie for younger audiences that may not have been around to see it or may not even know of it's existence. But of course I can also completely destroy this whole concept with a single idea. That idea being re-release the original movie to theaters. Boom. Now we get to keep the amazingness of the old movies without having to waste peoples time with "New" movies that serve purely to ruin what was once a good movie.

So we need a new Texas Chain Saw Massacre? Well let's get rid of all of the subtle creepiness and instead of having characters dragged off, never to be seen again, let's instead show every grisly detail because THAT'S SCARY! Oh we need a new Robocop movie. Well let's remove all the over the top violence, dump the practical effects and have a bunch of flippy kicky CGI robutts! YEA!

Are you beginning to see the problem? Instead of having an original story or good effects, we instead get a worse version of an already good movie. Was there REALLY any reason to remake Footloose? All you did was tell the same story but removed all of the 80's and Kenny Loggins. Think about that. You remade a movie, and got rid of KENNY FRICKIN LOGGINS! What the ♥♥♥♥ is wrong with you? If you remake Top Gun are you just going to get rid of 'Danger Zone'?

And I think that kinda leads into another point, that being the casting of the old vs the new. They are making a new Ghostbusters movie. Now at the time of writing this I don't know who is being cast for it, but I have to ask. Are they really going to be better then Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson? I mean really? Take for example the casting in that TOTALLY NOT A REMAKE OF PREDATOR movie, 'Predators'. You know that Predator movie that was exactly Predator except it lacked people like... Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura! So instead of ARNOLD we get Adrien Brody... You know that guy for the reboot of King Kong? Yea... That guy.

Yet another issue that arises from all of this is forgetting or forsaking the original vibe of the old movie. So because we have to be "Supr srs guyz" for Predators we get to lose great things like Arnold's one liners or Jesse Ventura saying "I ain't got time to bleed." So everything that was awesome about Predator goes right out the window in some vain attempt to be edgy/serious. And funnily enough, when they go off and remake a serious movie they seem to forget the uh... Serious part.

For example, look at Red Dawn. The original was about Russians invading the US and a small band of teenagers defending their small home town as a band of guerrilla fighters. The remake has the same plot, but replace Russians with North Koreans. Cause it's topical you see? But comparing the two opening invasion scenes. The original Red Dawn frames the invasion in a quiet, almost creepy way, with Russian paratroopers silently descending from the skies and gunning people down as the occupy the town. How does the remake do it? With HUNDREDS of giant planes dropping THOUSANDS of paratroopers down on to our perfect 'Murica suburbia while planes explode and crash and BOOM AND AAAGH AND MUURICAAAA! Even the tagline on the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ remakes poster is "Heroes are made in America". I mean for ♥♥♥♥♥ sake...

The major the overarching idea I'm trying to put across is that when you remake something, you are almost certainly going to miss the main idea of the movie. Witch is easily proof when you look at the remake compared to the original. The only real changes I ever see are "We need more big bombastic CGI" and "We need to have modern technology". Cause apparently if someone in a movie makes reference to a Walkman we the audience with have NO IDEA what that crazy man is talking about. We must remake the movie IMMIDEATLY so we can have IPods and Mountain Dew in every ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ shot.

Now moving on to a more recent problem that I have begun to call...

Re-imaginequels.

Now THESE kinds of remakes are the ones that go "Well... It's technically NOT a remake because it's a sequel to the original movie!" Now unfortunately I can't exactly comment on if these movies succeeded in being good or not due to this being more of a recent fad. I can however give examples of a few that are coming out. Such as the new Terminator movie or Jurassic World. Me thinks that the reasons for doing this is due to the backlash against making reboots that many a fan have voiced. The new Ghostbuster movie was going to be in this list before they decided to go full remake on that. And oh how well THAT'S going to go...

I think I'll wrap this all up by saying that there are a few remakes/reboots that DO succeed in being good. Those would be Dredd, due to it completely differing in story from the original movie and actually having good characters, action, story... You know... The important things in movies. And the other one would be the Friday the 13th remake. Cause Jason Voorhees killing people makes me happy. And then there's the uh... That one... Um... Yea that's basically it... So to sum up. Remakes suck. Please stop and ♥♥♥♥ off. Thank you.