ahbudahbi militia group

BRO BRO BRO I DONT HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE THING BUT BASICALLY I TRIED TO TURN MY ♥♥♥♥ INTO A USB DRIVE AS A JOKE OK IT STARTED AS A JOKE I WAS JUST GOOGLING “CAN YOU PUT FILES IN YOUR PENIS” BECAUSE I WAS BORED AND HORNY AND STUPID AT THE SAME TIME LIKE A TRIFORCE OF BAD IDEAS

ended up on some eastern european site called fleshinterface.biz.ru and it had instructions in wingdings and blood and there was a little gif of a raccoon spinning in circles so i was like yeah this seems legit next thing I know I’m in the kitchen pants around one ankle rubbing wd40 on my junk and whispering upload me daddy like I’m about to ascend to f***ing cyberspace

I plug in a USB-A cable (I KNOW I KNOW I SHOULDVE USED C) and I FELT THE DATA ENTER ME like my urethra said bing bong and suddenly I could hear the Microsoft Office paperclip screaming in Latin I blinked and saw the source code of the universe and also the bee movie script downloading directly into my prostate

I tried to pull it out and MY ♥♥♥♥ SAID “DEVICE IN USE” and slapped my hand bro my balls were blinking like a loading bar I tried to piss and printed out a PDF somehow from my f***ing colon idk it had page numbers and everything

my nipples synced to my router I connected to my neighbor’s bluetooth speaker and started broadcasting Minecraft cave noises at 400 decibels the cat ran away my Alexa said “the ritual is complete” and now every time I sneeze I get a captcha

bro it gets WORSE I tried to uninstall my junk and it started REINSTALLING ITSELF like self-healing firmware I put a magnet on my taint and blacked out for 4 hours woke up on the ceiling in a nest of ethernet cables and now I speak fluent HTML through my pee hole

I can’t go to the ER again the nurse called me dongle boy and the receptionist printed out my medical records in binary and gave me a firmware update schedule I’m scared I think my balls are updating to USB-C and I don’t even HAVE a compatible charger

PLEASE SEND HELP OR LUBE OR AN EXORCIST IDK