You may have heard a story long ago about two people called Mary and Joseph. If not I'll refresh your memory. One day Mary and Joseph hugged really hard for about 6 days and about 8minutes after they stopped Mary became pregnant. 46 minutes later Mary pooped out an egg; which little did she know, would change the world. about 69 days later the egg cracked open and out came Dan Tozer, known at the time as "Jesus." At the time Dan Tozer was born he weighed approximately 9grams and was an incredible 5ft tall. Joseph exclaimed "Eyyy Mary, that musta been wunna them ere' magic eggs!." ...Joseph was from Cornwall. No one likes cornish people... Even Mary.

Dan Tozer; or Jesus, as he was known prior to 420 A.D. was a King. At the young age of 5 minutes old, he passed a law that required the three closest old men to provide him with gifts. (all of the gifts had to be unique, he didn't want to get two of the same ♥♥♥♥♥♥ gift. Duh.)

One year when Dan Tozer was celebrating Christmas, he decided that he didn't want his birthday to be on the 23rd of December anymore. Dan Tozer or "J-Bomb" as he was calling himself at the time decided that he would change his birthday to the 25th of December.

And thats the story of how Jesus stole Christmas.

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Dates worth noting:-

Year | Event
0 | Jesus was born

5mins | Became King, started passing laws and stuff.

103 AD | Killed a cat with "Accidental" lighting powers.

112-113 AD | Told "God" a really long knock knock joke.

139 AD | Didn't feel like going to work so he called in dead.

3 days later | Realised he'd forgotten to cancel his ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ subscription and came back to life so he could sort it out before Mary saw it on his internet history.

still 139 AD | Died again because he was sick of people asking him for a miracle.

337 AD | Came back to life. only wanted to be referred to by his gangster name: "J-Bomb."

339 AD | Dropped the sickest album of the year and also helped Moses release the iTablet (Only came with 10 Commands)

404 AD | Shot by 2pac for "being a bad homie" and not complying with
the O.G. Bumper Book of Bible Rules.

405-419 AD | "None of your business, I'm chillin with this God guy." Was the only quote we could get from J-Bizzle.

420 AD | Forced back to life because "God" was sick of his ♥♥♥♥ Knock knock jokes. Changed his name to Dan Tozer. Gained cooler powers, grew to 6ft tall AND learnt how to fly a Galaxy Spaceship through time and space.

421 AD | Wrote a joke book titled "The Holy Bible." He claims he still surprised to this day that people took his book seriously. Dan Tozer/ Jesus/ "J-Bomb" stated: "I filled that book with jokes and made up stuff... and people still believe it! I just regret not adding unicorns to the story...I think that would have pushed me into the No. 1# bestseller, above Justin Biebers Autobiography."

421 AD - Present| Doing whatever the ♥♥♥♥ he wants and being important about it.