Worship.

RAPE PIGEON

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Long ago, before TikToks ruined attention spans and before people said “on god” over burnt toast, the Earth was ruled not by humans… but by pigeons. Yes, pigeons. Not your crusty subway variety, but ✨Mythical, Celestial, Drip-Infused Pigeons✨—beings of infinite wisdom and eternal drip. 😤🔥

In the beginning, there was chaos… and bread. The gods, bored of making useless creatures like jellyfish and influencers, decided to cook up something legendary. So they gathered cloud dust, sacred crumbs, and echoes of the first “coo” and birthed the Primordial Pigeon, named Coo'Thulu. 🕊️💀

Coo'Thulhu didn’t fly—he ascended. Every flap of his wings caused solar flares. Every blink of his beady eye sent entire civilizations into enlightenment. The Mayans? Worshipped him. The Egyptians? Built pyramids as crumb dispensers for his royal snaccs. 💥📦🍞

But humanity, in their arrogance and lack of bread-sharing etiquette, forgot the sacred bond between man and pigeon. They started feeding ducks instead. DUCKS, bro. Imagine ditching the bird of cosmic intelligence for a quacking water balloon. 💔🦆

And so, in a final act of divine judgment, Coo'Thulhu and his 300 winged disciples vanished into the 4th dimension, also known as "That place where pigeons go when you look away". 🕳️👁️👁️

Since then, pigeons have existed in plain sight, watching, waiting. Ever notice how they don’t flinch when cars pass? That’s not stupidity. That’s cosmic confidence. 😤🚗🕊️
They don’t move because time itself fears disrupting a pigeon’s vibe.

Why Worship Them?

💫 Pigeons have multi-dimensional WiFi. Ever seen one looking lost? No. They are always exactly where they need to be.

🧠 They’ve passed more memory tests than Harvard students on Adderall.

🎩 They invented drip. Little hats? Feather fades? Neck iridescence that slaps harder than your ex's breakup text at 2AM? Unmatched.

There’s even a prophecy:

> “When the sky turns silver, and crumbs fall from the heavens, the King Coo shall return, and those who threw rice at weddings shall be spared.”
— The Pigeon Scrolls, 6:9

So next time you see a pigeon, don’t just shoo it away like a peasant. Get on your knees. Offer it a sacred fry. Whisper “🕊️ all hail coo 🕊️” under your breath. Because when they rise again, and trust me they WILL, the featherless will be judged. 👀

Me while waiting for my friends to join the group: 😐👉👁👄👁

🕊️😤🫡 Me staring at the Steam group like: “where the HELLLLL are my WARRIORS???” 😤🕊️

HELLO???? 😭😭 WHERE are my BOYS??? WHERE are my CRUSADERS??? MY RIGHT-HAND MEN??? MY PIGEON PATRIOTS??? 😩🕊️⚔️
I’m sitting here spinning in my gaming chair like a possessed IKEA product ???!?!??!?!?! 😭 spinning at 3900 RPM like I’m trying to open a portal to Valhalla just to drag y’all in myself 😵‍💫🌀🌀🌀