me like

very nice game for the price

SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an
enchantment upon her of a fearful
sort which could only be broken by
love's first kiss. She was locked
away in a castle guarded by a
terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in
the dragon's keep in the highest
room of the tallest tower for her
true love and true love's first
kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever
gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to
go after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what
that thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for
it's bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be
a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're
much worse. They'll make a suit
from your freshly peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze
the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at
Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and
extinguishes the torch. The men
shrink back away from him. Shrek
roars very loudly and long and his
breath extinguishes all the
remaining torches until the men are
in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run
away.
(The men scramble to get
away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He
sighs and throws the paper over his
shoulder.)

THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the
guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy
tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of
the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell
in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer
who is carrying the three little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get
up!

HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me
that! Your flying days are over.
(breaks the broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the
witch. Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll
never be stubborn again. I can
change. Please! Give me another
chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed
toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do
this! Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps
up to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten
shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a
little nervous. He's really quite a
chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded
dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest
damn thing you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter
Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets
sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a
superfly but I bet you ain't never
seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the
pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh- oh. (he begins to sink to the
ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of
running.) After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This
way! Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards
coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am
authorized to place you both under
arrest and transport you to a
designated resettlement facility.

SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as
well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard
tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about
his business and begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really
somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns
around and Donkey is gone) me? (he
turns back around and Donkey is
right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I
tell you that you that you was
great back here? Those guards! They
thought they was all of that. Then
you showed up, and bam! They was
trippin' over themselves like babes
in the woods. That really made me
feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate
your freedom with your own friends?
Hmm?

DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by
myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a
great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the
spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring
very loudly.

DONKEY (CONT’D)
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If
you don't mind me sayin', if that
don't work, your breath certainly
will get the job done, 'cause you
definitely need some Tic Tacs or
something, 'cause you breath
stinks! You almost burned the hair
outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but
Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek
removes his hand.) ...then I ate
some rotten berries. I had strong
gases leaking out of my butt that
day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here
beside me, My problems have all
gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you
don't have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be
that cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look
at me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab
your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't
that bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like
about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobodythinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You
all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's
cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place
like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just
beautiful. You know you are quite a
decorator. It's amazing what you've
done with such a modest budget. I
like that boulder. That is a nice
boulder. I guess you don't
entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another
thing we have in common. Like I
hate it when you got somebody in
your face. You've trying to give
them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with
you?

SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.