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GTA Online - A Professional's Guide To Money-Making

By Black Joshi

They may call Liberty City the worst city in America. But in my eyes, Los Santos takes the cake by far. On top of Afro-American & Hispanic gangs trying to "bust a cap in yo' ass ", angry meth-head bikers, hippies(?), hackers and mercenaries trying to kill you, you'll probably find that a lack of money will take you down way before any of the natives do. That is why I see fit to create this here guide to assist you in discovering the "American Dream" - it's dead.

So without further ado, let's get down to the basics!

Also I take no credit for copyrighted material used in this guide blablablabla whatever.

Award

Created by

Black Joshi
Offline

Category: Characters, Classes, Co-op, Game Modes, Gameplay Basics, Loot, Maps or Levels, Modding or Configuration, Multiplayer, Secrets, Story or Lore, Walkthroughs, Weapons

Languages: Traditional Chinese, English

Posted

Updated

31 Jan, 2017 @ 1:32pm

6 May, 2017 @ 9:46am

8,177	Unique Visitors
52	Current Favorites

Guide Index

Overview

Part I: Welcome to Los Santos

Part II: Grind

Part III: Buy A House

Part IV: Grind Some More

Part V: Why Not Try The Heists?

Part VI: ♥♥♥♥ it, just buy the bloody shark cards

Conclusion

Comments

Part I: Welcome to Los Santos

This ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of an island somewhere in the south-western U.S is the last place a logical person would go. The crime rate's so high, I'm surprised anyone even lives there anymore. It's flooded with meth, crack, fat people and ultra-capitalism. And for some reason, the most common variant of Kalashnikov is a bloody Norinco Type-56-2. There's the players you need to worry about too: most of them will shoot you on sight, hack you, or scream at you in a squeaky child's voice.

It's going to be a long journey, mate, so bear with me.

So picture the scenario:

You're fresh off the plane. You're standing in the middle of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ street, Downtown Los Santos, probably in nothing but your underwear. To your right you see a Tank with numerous N.O.O.S.E vans tailing behind as it passes a sharply-dressed clown beating down on a pedestrian with a police baton, and to your left is a modder forcing two players to partake in an awkward and fully-clothed dryhumping session. The hacker turns to you and says "oi fam, wont som free mon£y?"

How do you respond?

A. Sure!
B. No thanks, man.
C. <Leave the server>
D. <Bend over and prepare to suffer the same fate as the others>

That's right, there is no escape! No matter what you do, there will always be that one hacking ♥♥♥♥ of a 5-year-old on the server who thinks it's okay to sociopathically ruin people's days. And there's one on EVERY. SINGLE. SERVER.

Part II: Grind

That's right. The bulk of this game is grinding. They said you couldn't put a price on fun, but Rockstar sure proved them wrong!

The missions all follow a very specific formula, so I'll take you through it:

Step 1:

Thanks, Rockstar

Step 2:

Starting The Mission
Now this is a staple in the mission formula, really. Now, despite such a concept not existing in other video games, they made starting a mission feel realistic and captivating. When you start the mission, you magically teleport 5 meters away from your car on the side of the street with a gun in your hand. The sense of realism in this game is unreal...

Step 3:

Drive There
Now all you need to do is drive 5 miles across the map to get to your objective.

Sounds boring right?

Well that's because it is you're doing it wrong! What you REALLY need to do is either get a friend or some dude off the street and tell him to drive to the objective. That way you can spend the next 10-20 minutes doing paperwork, going out for a walk and generally do something more useful than sit at your computer bored and pressing buttons like a braindead caveman.

Make sure you do this, and you won't end up like these poor sods:

Step 4:

Shoot 'Em Up

How you feel when shooting dudes up:

Reality:

Step 5:

Grab The Package & Return To Base
This part is similar to Part 2, get your friend/withbenefits/hobo to drive to the objective because it's going to be just as long - if not longer - than before!

Step 6:

Get Paid!
This is the part you've been waiting for, the part you've so far spent 30 minutes getting to. You prepared for a momentous reward of...

SERIOUSLY!?

Don't worry! You only need to do at least 300+ more missions if you're going to be able to purchase a high-end apartment!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH6qR2gliug

Part III: Buy A House

Congratulations, you just bought the Scarface mansion. Now, the sky's the limit! You can spend your money on whatever you want! A Tank, a Cargobob, a Technical, maybe a Yacht...

Too bad you're flat ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ broke again.

That's right, you blew your money on your new house.

That means...

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO START GRINDING AGAIN!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H07zYvkNYL8

Part IV: Grind Some More

Part V: Why Not Try The Heists?

Because either the host pays you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, people keep leaving before the match has even begun, one guy keeps dying over and over at one point, and...

Part VI: ♥♥♥♥ it, just buy the bloody shark cards

Congratulations. You've made it. You've finally made it. You've bought the most expensive shark card in the game and now you're in the money. You spent £60 bloody quid on virtual in-game money that will probably only last you a day. You could have bought DOOM. Or Battlefield 1. Or another pretty great, totally seperate game for the same price you bought that shark card.

You bellend.

Conclusion

In conclusion, what I suppose I'm saying is don't bother with GTA: Online. Stick to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ about in story mode, where you get to play around with interesting characters, a good story, modding, quite a few side activities and ♥♥♥♥♥♥ AI. GTA: Online is way too ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up at the moment and unless it goes through some major changes, it isn't worth too much time.

I've ran out of things to say so...

God bless this magnificent orange.

30 Comments

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Razz Darkstar 23 May, 2017 @ 9:57am

Easily one of the best guides Ive seen into rock star's mindset. Everyone needs to read this!

Black Joshi [author] 3 Apr, 2017 @ 9:47am

Glad we got that language barrier out the way

FLACCID SNAKE 2 Apr, 2017 @ 5:15pm

Bellend = Tip of the penis . . . /british slang is thicc

∆† яɪ¢κʏ †∆ 29 Mar, 2017 @ 7:12am

Best guide.

Jaspep 9 Mar, 2017 @ 2:22pm

Instructions unclear, modder got my ♥♥♥♥ stuck in a washing machine

Black Joshi [author] 8 Feb, 2017 @ 7:31am

I think it would have been cool if you could follow some sort of storyline in GTA online. I suppose Lamar's Lowrider missions and maybe the Heists are about the closest to a GTA storyline as we could get unfortunately.

Ideally, you'd be able to earn money and XP from those story missions, though it'd pay outa fair amount more than what the current missions give you, and "freemode" as it is called in GTA 5 would play out much more like a sandbox mode, with everything in the game more easily accessible, barring exceptions like the Tank.

I would go on about everything I think could improve GTA:O and in fact GTA 5 as a whole, but that would take way too long and nobody on steam has enough patience to read through a dozen paragraphs. So I'll leave it at this.

ozf Shigbeard 8 Feb, 2017 @ 1:59am

Part 1 is easy to overcome. Suspend your GTA process for 10 seconds and then resume it, you get kicked into your own private public session

ZeDubbs 7 Feb, 2017 @ 10:25pm

Solid points, Online has potential but they just want you to buy facking shark cards so they ruin the experience with too much grinding , it also hides how little content there is.

Black Joshi [author] 6 Feb, 2017 @ 7:28am

Nicely done, Mr. President.

norru 6 Feb, 2017 @ 5:04am

Grind Theft Auto : Online

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