Every once in a while,but still more often than your patience can handle, you will be paired with a ball missing, aerial wasting, own goaling noob. That is a fact.
Wether you'll admit it or not though, there have surely been times in which you were the waste of skin causing your mate's defeat because of that afk goal at kickoffs or the ball cam disaster that made you bump away your mate from the goal.
Truth is that we tend to forget this, and our reactions are mostly ones that only players in the top 20 can allow themselves to have.
If you're reading this guide, chances are you're not in those 20 because those guys are on way too much cocaine and adderall right now to waste their effects reading guides instead of actually playing.

It's fairly easy to lash out on our mate, thinking that our little rant will eventually wake him/her up.
Surely complaining about the matchmaking or suggesting to delete the game are compelling arguements to improve the teams' coordination, but it seems that most of the times, flaming actually makes things worst.
I have personally been both the noob and the guy paired with one (like probably everyone else at least once) and I know what I want to hear when I mess up: surprise surprise, insulting me makes me play worse.
What we always tend to forget is that no matter how much garbage the ranking system is, there's always a reason why that guy is playing with us. Chances are he's just having a bad game or he just started the game and is warming up but in reality he/she's just as skilled if not better than us! Think about it and tell yourself that you've never been in that same situation!
So here they are, a couple suggestions to avoid having to invoke the intervention of an ai before that vein on your neck pops due to the stress.

95% of the times you will be paired with a total stranger. There will be no teamspeak or any other gizmo to help you organise those 5 minutes in a decent match, unless you want to try vocal chat which 98% of the times gives the "Girl from The Ring" filter to whatever the hell you were trying to say.
Having said that, let your mate know you're there! I have personally always played better with someone who would communicate instead of a mute mate that seems to be playing for himself in what looks like a 2v1v1.
If your mate scores, no matter how much of a garbage goal that is, no matter how drunk your opponents must have looked in order to miss that 54 km/h rebound, spam that "nice shot"!
Let them know you're actually involved in that match and surely in the majority of cases, your mate will at least be responsive to your suggestions and make what's best of that poor game he's having.

Even if you don't mean it at all, even if you're already tracking his/her IP thanks to that hacker cousin of yours in order to SWAT the noob ♥♥♥♥, just use 4 and 2 for the "No problem" shortcut.
Truth is, you don't have to be a caring mother hen every time your noob mate messes up.
All you really have to do is not pressure him/her, give your mate the impression that nothing really has happened and that what is done is done. The "No problem" message does exactly that, just try and then tell me!

Let's face it, all we're talking about here is a 5 minute match. Many of us probably don't even want to put the effort in getting the best out of that noob and will just pray for a quick and painless forfeit.
Truth is that most of the times we make mistakes too and the guy doesn't say a thing!
Personally, I have learned that being both Humble about my game and Honest about my mistakes, helps both my performance and the one of my mate, because it puts us both in a mood in which we don't mind more than it should!
Humble and Honest guys, doesn't take much and you just have to play the part for 5 minutes then you can shower the noob with insults once the game is over, that is if you really are so angry that you even care,

What were you thinking when you suggested your mate to go dance with the wolves or back to practising kissing with his/her cousin? That he/she would just quit so that you can quit without dropping with rankings?
Well guess what: if you talk ♥♥♥♥ to me, there's no way I'm quitting.
In fact, what I like to do at that point, since the game is already screwed, is to turn the match in a 3v1 and force YOU to quit because I might as well get back to your insults in a way that truly harmful instead of responding you with yo mama jokes.
So even if you don't want to do it in the spirit of good sportsmanship, think about other consequences your flaming could have.

You might not be satisfied with the content of this guide.
You were probably looking for a way to reach out to the noobs' monitor and make him/her swallow his/her keyboard sideways.
Truth is though, you can't really do much except for being a decent human being. Being supportive and just trying to have fun is what co-op matches really are about.
As idealistic as it seems, this will actually benefit those 5 minutes of game time with the noob and wether you win or lose, despite the ranking going up or down, I can assure you that being the better player of the two or three still can feel good and I'm sure most of you know that.

Please let me know what you think of this subject and if you feel you have anything to add or to object.
Everyone but gratuitous ♥♥♥♥♥ is welcome and entitled to express it's opinion!