The art of cockheadery has been passed down the ranks of holy and mysterious warriors of time. This art will be passed onto you, young one.

A word of warning with this, please do not blame me when you get your stupid ass kicked and get a 30min cooldown. Your fault you lil queer.

As of now, you are either lurking on guides or within the warmup of a match. This is as productive you are going to be to society without my guidance, so listen up you worthless worm.

As soon as you meet your newest, kindest, friendliest, bestest, autistic, and shining team, you'll need to set the standards high somewhere. Obviously, a microphone will help in being an asswipe, but chat can also work. if you are planning on using the chat, then i recommend having binds/Copy+Pastes which you can place into the chat. The more inappropriate the better of course.

So, if you have a microphone, make some noises.

The noises can be anything, from an animal to a firetruck. All that needs to happen is for these noises to begin muffled. During this, your teammates who have queued for the last 30mins, will worry about your microphone quality, or tell you that you shouldn't speak. (or that you should ♥♥♥♥ off)

Continue the muffled noises until warm-up ends.

There are many different variations of cockheadery in which you can employ. The different techniques will be listed below:

1. The Inappropriate Memester: Everyone detests you. Your parents, your friends, yourself, me. The only place you're accepted is on various blogs involving animal cruelty and scrotes. This is why you have the POTENTIAL to make one of the most successful cockheads in this entire Solar System. The "memes" you make must be planned beforehand. These "memes" must be inappropriate on an all new level. Think, what would cause the most anger in that community you're playing with? Do they have soft spots? What is the nation? Anything they dislike which you can bring up? All of these factors must be brought into consideration when playing the Inappropriate Memester. Also, think of some pretty atrocious normie ♥♥♥♥. That usually starts getting pretty cringy.

2. The Shrieking Seagull: This cockhead is pretty simple. Sound like an absolute tard and you're pretty much set. Make loud noises, make em constantly. Nothing difficult. Or sound like a pidgeon. You know, the pidgeons which flare out their back feathers and 'coo' at windows.

3. Pinga Pete: Raspy, terrible in conversations and constantly trying to sound edgy. Most likely vapes. Suggests that he does pingas every Friday. I don't reccomend this character, I just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ despise this guy. If you are not from Australia, get your sterotypical view of Australians, and poor that ♥♥♥♥ on a hot iron. If you are from Australia, ♥♥♥♥, get your views of Papua New Guinea or something. Or your neighbour. Idk.

4. Teamkiller Terry: You may think that your boy Terry here team kills. He does. Just with CARE. I have seen far too many brothers and sisters in arms fall for the team killing ban. Please pull into consideration that you may get kicked for over damage. Keep how much damage you have done into your plans before you shoot the bomb carrier in the foot again. Terry also runs with the bomb mid, where he feeds that bomb. He also runs to the enemy spawn. Or only uses his knife. Or never buys a gun. Or when he does buy a weapon, goes straight for a Negev, and feeds that son of a gun.
That's it.

Your time is done. The match is over, several words of dis-encouragement have been sent straight to your mailbox, and now you feel the satisfaction of letting a team of 4 other people down.
Nice.


-Zezima (totally real aye.)

P.S. Didn't proof read, cuz only nerds read.