The first rule of success is to avoid any form of responsibility. You don’t need to wake up early, work hard, or even have a plan. In fact, the more you procrastinate, the closer you get to greatness. Who needs goals when you can binge-watch an entire season of a TV show for the 3rd time in a row? Success is all about lounging on the couch, pretending you're “thinking” while actually just scrolling endlessly through social media. Keep telling yourself you're "strategizing."

While everyone else is working on their careers, you’ll be leveling up your skills in video games or debating the best snacks for a Saturday night. Every successful person knows the true path is built through perfecting your Fortnite strategy or crafting the ultimate snack mix. You’re not wasting time, you're building character. It’s all part of the process.

Forget those boring, predictable paths like "saving money" or "investing in your future." The real way to win in life is to throw your entire paycheck into a roulette wheel and let the universe decide your fate. Who needs a job when you can roll the dice and hope the jackpot lands in your lap? If you lose, no problem! Just repeat and tell everyone you're “due for a win.” If you win? Well, clearly, you’re a genius with divine luck, and you can retire immediately.

Who needs a steady relationship or a healthy social circle when you can just keep things light and fleeting? The more emotionally unavailable, the better! Keep everyone on their toes with random text messages and sporadic “let’s hang out” invitations, and always have an excuse when things get serious. You’re busy conquering life in your own way, after all.

Forget those people who tell you to work on yourself, read self-help books, or go to therapy. You don’t need personal development. You’ve already arrived at the peak of human greatness. Want to eat a whole pizza at 3 a.m.? Go for it. Want to complain about your job instead of making any real change? You’re on the path to success, my friend. Keep doing what feels good in the moment, and if anyone tries to give you advice, just smile and nod. They don’t know your “genius” plan.

The key to real success is never accepting responsibility for your actions. It’s always someone else’s fault that you didn’t get that promotion, or that your bank account is empty, or that your favorite show got canceled. Just keep blaming external forces, and when things go wrong, remind yourself that it’s all part of the universe testing your greatness. Keep pushing forward, and remember: failure is just a “minor setback.”