Alright, you're able to read this. This means you have basic intelligence at least. You still have hope.

Wait, you don't have *all* the DLC for the game?
How on earth do you expect me to be able to work with you if you can't even do something as simple as buying the entire game.

Go back and buy all the content this game has to offer. Or else persians will look like arabs and we don't want this. The most important DLC is the jew dlc, mohammed dlc, roman orgy dlc, curry from India and the old dlcs. The rest are more or less cosmetic and are there only to enhance the "MLG" experience.

Okay, you have all the DLC. It will be automatically selected for you so no worries.
Just start the game. I literally can't make it anymore simple than this. Sorry.

1. Boot the game.
2. The game crashes.
3. Boot it again.
4. It works now.

Congratulations. You've managed to get to the menu.

Now, you have a few options here. Ranging from "single player" to "quit game".
The one that we're focusing on right now is single player. Nobody can laugh at how bad you are there.

Now, click on a character you want to play.
No, that's a Jew. We don't want to play as that.
No, that's a African. Starting in Africa is hard because of the obvious lack of development.
No, that's a slav. If you pick him you're going to be forced to wear a tracksuit throughout the game.

Wait, you're picking an Irish duke? Please. That's the easiest you could go for. It's the n00b starting location. What you want is a location that's fun and interesting. In the middle of all the things. A *RELEVANT* location. One important to the whole world that everyone pays attention to.

That's right. We're playing as Flanders.
*photo is of a typical Flemish landlord

Seeing as we have all the DLC, we're designing our own ruler to be a typical Fleming.
After all, this is a role playing game of sorts, like the sims. Only the sims has less DLC.

The looks of your character matter a fair bit. Make sure to give him/she/xi a really sad looking face. Just like a real Fleming. And make the ethnicity moroccan or turk. Alright, we have a real Fleming on our hands. Don't worry about his/her/xis offspring being the same ethnicity.
Because remember, one drop rule, kids.

Now you can make the shield. Just make it a lion or something edgy. I don't care.

Alright! We can start giving traits. Make the religion to be Jewish. Jews have money.
What do we want? Yes, we want weed and women. And money if we can manage it.

Second off you'll select your culture. Select the Basque culture as this allows you to have absolute agnatic-cognatic succession which isn't sexist. And if we are to appeal to tumblr and our politically correct overlords, we have to do this. Otherwise we're part of a patriarchy keeping women down. And we don't want this in our country.

Next step is education. It goes without saying you take Midas Touch. Not only does it make your character more fertile (hornier) but it also makes everything he touches into gold.
(Imagine... A golden willy.)

For traits, I say we are going to get a mix between what I assume you look like and a typical Fleming.
Take Depressed. Now stressed and then wounded. Wounded might seem odd but with all the immigrants, trust me. We get beaten up for our money quite a bit.

The ugly trait goes without saying but take genius too. And stronk.
For we are mighty and of RELEVANT.

Other traits are up to you. Take the descended from Mohammed trait though. Muslims make up a fair bit of the Flemish population so appealing to them is important. It also makes you more diverse which is also important.

If you have any age points left over, stick it into intrigue because killing people is important.
Did I just say killing? Excuse me. Let me put it in a more American way. Peace making? Yes, that.

(The reason why we're not taking Islam as a religion)

I'm assuming you were enough of a big boy to push the play button without any instructions.

Now, you see a whole bunch of messages pop up. You have problems.
You're an unmarried loser with no heir. Your liege is a poophead and you both somewhat hate eachother. (Mostly because he's French.)

First things first, marry his daughter/wife or whatever he had.
Now I know what you're thinking. Damn, this really is a good idea, this creator of this guide is really strategic and forward thinking! I wish I were more like him.
The truth is, we just want to sleep with his family to get back at him.

Appoint councillers.
The chancellor should be an oldest white man you have.
The marshal is the sickest bloke in the New Castle gym.
The Steward is a jew.
The Spymaster is a jew (again).
Lastly, the Court Chaplain should be the one with the highest amounts of sexual offences committed towards little boys.

Second, you see the "law" tab. Change a law to maximum tax/levies... ETC. to anger off your vassals. The ungrateful sloths that they are.

You'll need this tab in about 10 years again to change another law in you kingdom called "elective succession". This is because you're bound to have retarded children and you want to pick the least incompetent one.

(No offence to incompetent people, but let's face it, you are one. You're reading internet guides on how to rule an empire.)

^Basically what you and your children will look like

Alright, you're determined to get through this guide. Good job.
You've put more effort into this than the average slav does into anything.

Send your councillers to do shenanigans around the kingdom.
Make your old white man go fabricate claims on what you think should be yours.
Have your marshall research tech because he'll get injured this way.
Let your steward count moneys.
Now this is the most important one. Set your spymaster to scheme because God knows, people want you dead because not only are you ugly. You're a dipshizzle.
Have your court chaplain convert everyone to judaism. (you're going to have to invite one to your realm first via the intrigue tab)

Great. The minions are working for you while you sit back, relax and bang the king's sister.

Also, wage ware on the guy next door to you. You have a dejure claim on his lands which means it's basically yours, no contest. You vassal will most likely join the war and rebel so make sure after this war you revoke his title and execute him for having a stupid face. It'll have to be done via intrigue again though. If you don't do this quickly, his title will be passed unto someone outside the realm and this is bad. You don't want this. Understood?



^Inspiring image to motivate you

Also, while you're at it. Murder all the heirs that your liege has. Especially if they're babies. If you did as I said before, you can be your lieges spymaster with your high intrigue and kill him yourself. How lovely.

Pretty much continue doing this. Fabricate claims and git claims and you're set to go.
Any answers will be questioned in the comment section.

Have a most MLG time playing this game, scrublords.