IF YOU HAVE A COMPUTER
If your computer has at least the minimum specs for Cookie Clicker, skip this step. If not follow along with the rest of this step.

BUYING A COMPUTER IN PERSON
Go buy a computer at whatever store that sells computers local to you. Make sure that the computer has at least the minimum specs for running Cookie Clicker.

BUYING A COMPUTER ONLINE
Buying a computer online is a good choice for lazy people like me.
First pick out a reliable website, this could be the site of company that makes the computer you want. or it could be a store like Amazon[amazon.com] or Walmart[walmart.com].
Once you have found a computer you want, press buy now (If buy now is not an option on the website you are using press add to cart, then go to your cart and press proceed to checkout)Log into the website by entering your email and password. If you don't have an account for the website, Sign in instead of Log in.
Now on the checkout page enter your address and credit/debit card number. Then press finish.

CONGRATS! NOW YOU HAVE A COMPUTER!

If your hard drive has an operating system on it, do whatever you have to do to wipe it. If your hard drive is already wiped, proceed to the next step.

PRO TIP: Buy a new hard drive or SSD or M.2 or whatever to avoid the hassle of wiping your hard drive

In order to install Windows or Linux you will need a bootable USB flash drive.

IF YOU HAVE A USB FLASH DRIVE
If you want Linux, http://click here
If you want Windows, click here[www.microsoft.com]
Next press the 64-bit Download button.
Once the ISO is done downloading, move on to the other steps.

If you have a different computer with Windows on it:
First you need to download Rufus[github.com]
Use Rufus to flash the Windows or Linux ISO onto the flash drive.

If you have a different computer with Linux on it:
If you are installing Linux: Download ISO Image writer Snap Download[snapcraft.io] Flathub Download[flathub.org]
If you are installing Windows: Download WoeUSB[github.com] I wont go into detail on exactly how to install WoeUSB and use it but you can probably find a tutorial online.

IF INSTALLING WINDOWS: Use WoeUSB to flash the ISO onto the flash drive.
IF INSTALLING LINUX: Use ISO Image Writer to flash the ISO onto the flash drive.

After you have got the ISO on the flash drive either using Rufus, ISO Image writer, or WoeUSB do this:
Put the flash drive into your computer with the hard drive wiped from the first step and spam whatever key it is to get into the one time boot menu (usually F11 or F12) Once you are in the one time boot menu you need to boot off of your flash drive. Now go through the Windows/Linux install process.

IF YOU DON'T A USB FLASH DRIVE
Buy one. Also make sure it is 8GB or bigger.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER COMPUTER
Go to the store and buy Windows installation media.

DOWNLOADING STEAM ON WINDOWS
In order to download steam on Windows you need to first click here
Next, open the file explorer and go to Downloads. There you will see SteamSetup.exe. Double click on it and go through the Steam setup process.

DOWNLOADING STEAM ON LINUX
In order to download steam on Linux you need to first [https://cdn.akamai.steamstatic.com/client/installer/steam.deb]click here[/url]
Next, open the Terminal and type "cd Downloads" and hit enter. Then type "sudo apt install steam.deb". Next go to your launcher, open Steam and go through the Steam setup process.

LOGGING INTO STEAM
Log in to Steam by putting in your username (NOT DISPLAY NAME) and password. If you do not have a Steam account press create an account
Then enter your email and password and verify that you are the age of 13 years or older.

BUYING COOKIE CLICKER
First, in the top left corner of the screen, hover over the store button and press "Featured" in the dropdown menu that popped up. now around the top right corner locate the search bar and type in "Cookie Clicker" and press enter. Then click on the first search result. Now press the green "Add to cart" button. Then press the blue "View my Cart" button. press "Proceed to Payment". Then enter your credit/debit card number and complete the purchase.

DOWNLOADING COOKIE CLICKER
Downloading Cookie Clicker on Windows:
Locate Cookie Clicker in your Steam library. Then press install and wait for it to download.

Downloading Cookie Clicker on Linux:
Locate Cookie Clicker in your Steam library. Then press the gear icon on the middle right of the screen and press "Properties" in the dropdown menu. Then go to the "Compatibility" tab on the window that just opened. Press "Force the use of a specific Steam Play compatibility tool" and make sure it is set to "Proton Experimental" Then go back to Cookie Clicker in your Steam Library and press install and wait for it to download.

First locate Cookie Clicker in your Steam Library then press the green "PLAY" button.

Locate the big juicy round delicious cookie on your screen. Drag your mouse until your cursor overlaps with the cookie. Now move your finger down onto the left-click button on your mouse then release.

CONGRATS! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CLICKED THE COOKIE!
...and finished this long stupid boing guide.

PROTIP: REPEAT GUIDE FOR MORE COOKIES!