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Prologue

Particulates and finely grounded dust levels your eyes to a narrowing horizon whereby you can only discern two realities. One reality is that of fleeting humanity while the other is the realisation that humanity is whole again. Through the perfection of humanity, we were made whole again and evolved to open ajar the hurtful barriers between us all. The black moon that loomed above ripped the souls from our A.T. Fields, birthing us a world of blessings and curses. The soul storm that bled dry the barren red backdrop of Earth, flooding it with our shared consciousnesses. Body and mind torn asunder as the Chamber of Guf was opened. A greater plane of existence was gifted to us, as we cast away our LCL and bid farewell to old Earth. No longer could love, contempt, sorrow or optimism be walled off from each other - for we are all and all is one. Mercy on the souls who rejected instrumentality, for they have forsaken paradise.

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In the infancy of the heavenly celestial bodies of space and time - the First Ancestral Race manifested and brushed huge strokes across the empty canvases of space to create life. We believe these entities to be progenitors of all life as we know it on Earth. Kiryu Kazuma was one such godly entity, and we owe it to him for returning humanity together, making us whole again through Human Instrumentality.

This is his story.

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Majima And Taichi Suzuki

"Majima and Taichi Suzuki came from the sky, from the gods of space. But Kiryu is your god, Kiryu and he lives in the earth. Once, Menacing Men and Sophisticated Lads lived in the Earth, Haruka. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Kiryu, and they took from him the enigma of Pocket Circuit Racing. Kiryu was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these Menacing Men, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of Pocket Circuit Racing and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not Sophisticated Lads. Just men. The secret of Pocket Circuit Racing has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Haruka. You must learn its discipline. For no one – no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. Only Pocket Circuit Racing, you can trust." - Shun Akiyama, to Haruka.



☆ This is Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, notice the blue hair.
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As I sit down to reflect on my magnum opus, Neon Genesis Evangelion, I am filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Crafting this series was both a journey of self-discovery and a labour of love, yet it also serves as a mirror reflecting my inner turmoil and insecurities. In this self-critique, I aim to delve into the depths of Evangelion, acknowledging its strengths while confronting its shortcomings with honesty and humility.

First and foremost, Evangelion was born from a place of personal turmoil. Its inception stemmed from my own battles with depression and existential angst. Why are you so alone? As I poured my innermost struggles into the narrative, I sought solace in the guise of artistic expression. However, in doing so, I recognise that I may have veered into self-indulgence, sacrificing clarity for the sake of catharsis. The intricate web of symbolism and metaphor may have alienated some viewers, leaving them perplexed and disconnected from the narrative.

Furthermore, I must confront the portrayal of certain characters within Evangelion. While I aimed to create multi-dimensional individuals grappling with their inner demons, I acknowledge that some characters may have been reduced to mere archetypes or plot devices. Misato's complex journey, for instance, may have been overshadowed by her sexualized depiction, a choice that I now recognise as a missed opportunity to explore her depth as a character. You don't fit in anywhere, do you?

Moreover, the conclusion of Evangelion has sparked both admiration and bewilderment among viewers. The abstract and philosophical nature of the finale was a deliberate choice, intended to provoke introspection and interpretation. However, I understand that it may have left many feeling unsatisfied or perplexed. In hindsight, I realise that I could have struck a better balance between ambiguity and coherence, ensuring that the thematic resonance of the series remained intact without sacrificing narrative clarity. You should disappear.

On a technical level, I must also acknowledge the limitations of the animation and production quality of Evangelion. Budget constraints and time pressures undoubtedly impacted the visual presentation of the series, leading to inconsistencies and shortcomings in animation quality. While I am proud of the artistic vision we managed to realise, I recognise that there are areas where we fell short of our aspirations. I can see through all your insecurities.

Despite these critiques, I am immensely grateful for the impact Evangelion has had on its audience. I'm not real and neither are you. Its exploration of complex themes such as identity, trauma, and human connection has resonated with viewers around the world, sparking profound discussions and interpretations. The series has transcended its status as a mere anime, becoming a cultural phenomenon that continues to captivate and inspire new generations.

In conclusion, Neon Genesis Evangelion is a deeply personal work that reflects both my artistic vision and inner turmoil. While I am proud of its achievements, I am not blind to its flaws. Through introspection and critique, I hope to learn from the mistakes of the past and continue to evolve as an artist. As I embark on new creative endeavours, I carry with me the lessons learned from Evangelion, striving to create works that are both profound and accessible, resonating with audiences on a visceral and intellectual level alike. You disgust me.

☆ Heart breakers and Love makers.
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So basically Kiryu is some space god messiah or something idk and he like comes to earth like 10 trillion years ago in a giant freaking black space ball but he doesn't actually because he's probably still chilling in the milky way and he sends out his goons called the Seeds of Life instead. Now two of these 'seeds' are what is known as Majima and Taichi Suzuki and they arrive on earth during the prehistoric times, so theres dinosaurs and ♥♥♥♥ is kinda whack fr on god. These seeds are basically the love juices of Kiryu since he fears he might go extinct because of the ongoing inter-galactic holocaust between the other space god jesuses, so he sneaks his seeds on Earth hoping to procreate with some zesty dinosaurs probably. Kiryu probably thought the crew might get jumped in Detroit too, so he gave his seeds a giant ♥♥♥♥ off spear, called the Longinus or ♥♥♥♥ knows and get this ... never mind busting caps from a glock because this spear can penetrate the freaking force fields of literal biblical angels, Lockheed Martin aint even got ♥♥♥♥ on that.

News flash alert, turns out Majima becomes the literal adam and eve incarnate of humanity and mankind fortnite drops into existence. idk why this happens but while Majima is off playing Age of Empires II, Taichi Suzuki levels up and is given a S² Organ which is some magical plot device that turns him into a biblical angel, so yeah that also happens. So theres dinosaurs, yakuzers and angels but not at the same time - due to some vague law of the universe preventing them from existing in the same timeline (if they did that would be very not cash monies for Kiryu). So to prevent Majima and Suzuki from hooking up, the spear of Longinus gains sentience and impales the ♥♥♥♥ outta Suzuki granting balance to the yakuza force.


We'll be back with more thrilling exposition right after this commercial break.


☆ This is Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, notice the blue hair.
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End of intermission.

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Rei: Why do you make crappy steam guides on the internet?

Because I fear nobody cares about me, other than my '10 year's in the joint memes'.

Misato: Thinking nobody cares about your memes is the same
as running away.

You fear failure.

You fear being disliked.

You fear seeing the weakness within you.

You too, you're a chronic alcoholic and terrible role model for the kids!

Misato: Right. Maybe I should go to therapy for a change.

Ritsuko: Our minds lack something.

Asuka: So we fear that.

Rei: So we worry about that

Misato: So we are trying to be one.

Asuka: We are trying to compliment
by the instrumentality of each other.

Rei: The Instrumentality Project? Oh yeah I just remembered this anime was made by
Hideaki Anno and is almost entirely incomprehensible.

Fuyutsuki: One cannot live without being surrounded by others.

Gendou: One cannot live alone.

Ritsuko: One is always unique.

Ryouji: So, it's hard.

Asuka: So, it's sad.

Misato: Anyone hear Kanye's new album, it's off the chain fr.

Rei: So we wish to be one.

Fuyutsuki: A human is made of weak and fragile materials.

Ritsuko: The mind and body are also made of weak and fragile materials.

Gendou: So it is necessary to compliment
by the instrumentality of each other.

Why?

Gendou: There's no other way to live.

Is that true, sounds like you're a bit of a lazy bones?

Rei: Why do you live, Mr Narrator?

I've got no idea, cheap plot device to push this inner monologue forward?

Asuka: I might live to know why.

Rei: For whom do you live?

Asuka: For myself, of course.

I live so I can eat baked beans on toast.

No comment.

Rei: Do you enjoy your life?

Do you enjoy having blue hair and getting freaky with Shinji's dad?

Rei: Do you enjoy your life?

Asuka: Of course yes.

Rei: Do you enjoy your life?

Misato: I don't want to do anything not enjoyable like going to Paris, France.

Ryouji: You hate being sad?

Being sad makes me sad :(

Ryouji: You hate hardships?

Misato: I don't like them.

Ryouji: So you run away like a little sissy boy.

Misato: Yes. Do you blame me, for running away from something
I hate.

I can't run away.

Rei: Why don't you run away?

Because I'm under house arrest for committing arson/tax evasion.

Rei: You ran away from the truth that you actually enjoyed watching Morbius 2022.

Accepting that truth ... It was painful.

Asuka: If you know the pain and accept that Jared Leto is a handsome man, then everything's OK.

Misato: You can run away if it's too painful.

Rei: You can run away from something you truly hate.

But, I won't. I don't want to run away anymore from my fragile heterosexuality.

Misato: It's because you already know that running away results
in more pain.

Asuka: You know how painful it is to run away from Jared Leto's luscious hair.

Rei: So you don't want to run away.

I said, if I ran away, I would end up in jail and become someone's prison b*tch.

Ritsuko: Obeying others' words, that's his way to live.

Right! Otherwise, I would not have a pleasant time while in the men's shower room.

Asuka: You fear being hurt.

Misato: You are trying to believe that.

Kensuke: Not only you but also others are hurt.

Touji: Everybody feels hardships.

Hikari: You think that, because it's easier for you.

Ahh, emotional confrontations, eek!

Misato: And you always desert your worth.

Rei: I have nothing but my blue hair, and unofficial fumo line of mini reis.

Asuka: And you try to think yourself valueless.

Misato: Thinking that, by doing nothing, you would not be hurt.

Asuka: People try to sustain themselves by being praised.

NOBODY ACCEPTS ME BECAUSE I BASED MY WHOLE ONLINE IDENTITY ON THE LEAST LIKEABLE YAKUZA CHARACTER OF THE FRANCHISE.

Misato: You are trying to think that and yet you continue.

So, I have to make more logically compromising steam guides for the masses

Misato: You've been trying to think yourself worthless since the
very beginning.

I have to do that, lots of self-loathing got me nitro on discord.

Kensuke: No, that's not so.

Touji: You are trying to think that, anyway.

I am worthless. I have nothing to be proud of. Please make me a Yakuzillionaire.

Asuka: So you make ♥♥♥♥♥♥ steam guides.

Making ♥♥♥♥♥♥ steam guides lets me be my own ♥♥♥♥♥♥ self.

Asuka: Being an emotionally unstable tsundere lets me be myself.

Before the memes, I had nothing.

Asuka: I have nothing else.

Rei: I have nothing else except this Hannah Montana key-chain.

I have nothing. Nobodies gonna like this guide anyways.

The value to live?

Sure, I guess

THUS,

Asuka: I hate you! I hate you!

Touji: I hate you.

Kensuke: I hate everything about you.

Hikari: Sorry, but I hate you.

Ritsuko: I hate you.

Makoto: I hate you.

Shigeru: I hate you.

Maya: I hate everything about you.

Ryouji: I hate everything about you.

Misato: I hate you!

At least whoever's reading this doesn't hate me, right?

Rei: You are just trying to think that.

Maybe I should hate myself too.

Rei: So, you are trying to think that others hate you.

Asuka: I hate, I hate I hate you!

But everyone praised my last steam guide ... I thought I could be happy knowing that.

So, you were happy.

People are quick to betray those feelings.

But, not happy.

Rei: Which is your true heart?

I'll just continue to do the one thing people praise me for, even if it hurts me

Ritsuko: If you depend on cringe memes, you'll become cringe yourself.

Ryouji: Cringe will be all of yourself.

Misato: The true yourself will be nowhere.

It's OK. I've been nothing but cringe from the beginning.

Why do you post cringe steam guides?

Because it's all of me.



☆ This is Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, notice the blue hair.
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im the real taichi suzuki im the real taichi suzuki im the real taichi suzuki i was taichi suzuki i was taichi suzuki i was taichi suzuki god save us god save us god save us god is dead god is dead god is dead bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed STOP LOOKING AT ME im the real taichi suzuki im the real taichi suzuki im the real taichi suzuki

I forgot if I should've taken the pills in the morning after breakfast or after supper, tedious thoughts like that cheated me to take two of them on the spot alongside a mouthful of pineapple juice. Being sick with a fever for a week really makes you reevaluate things or rather the afterthought of complacency. Too damn lazy to get up for food, yet I'd be too irritated to give up on such a menial effort ... Maybe I'll just wait in bed for a little bit longer, maybe I'll forget what I was supposed to be doing anyways. Is it Tuesday? No, I'm pretty sure I heard the garbage being collected outside ... Must be Thursday. Thursdays are nice, so close to weekend abandonment yet still a weekday where you can busy yourself, at least that could be the case If I wasn't bedridden.

Sickly beams of light pierce through the blinds and intrude my thoughts, a reminder that today could be a special day if occupied with something special to do alongside it. Instead I instinctively tried to swat them away if as they were some buzzing pest. I give up and quickly bury my head into the mound of blankets and thick sheets that surround me. Even though I'm usually very pragmatic when it comes to siding utility over comfort, these heavy winter blankets are neigh unbearable. What material is this, it's all itchy and stubby?

Time elapsed again, it's easy to lose yourself in whatever garbage is playing on the screen. Take for example the romance anime I'm watching right now, the protagonist with a meek background meets the girl of his dreams and yet he never acts on her advances. Episode after episode passes and you turn to no longer pity him but rather get irritated by his lack of decisiveness. Well. Whatever ... I've already committed watching a whole season now, might as well watch the next one followed by the sleezy OVAs ...

Were you always there listening in? I didn't notice. While you're here can you fetch me a glass of water, and two of those red pills over there on the counter? Yeah those, thanks.

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I mean that's why you're here right, you enjoyed the spectacle.
You enjoyed watching him break down and gazed on as his whole world collapsed around him.
There's no need to be modest here, we're all attracted to the desires of misery.
To poison the happiness of those around us to fill our broken hearts.
When compassionate hands reach out.
To gut them empty of their vulnerabilities and sincerity.
It's easier this way, if it feels good to hurt others than it must be the only way to live.
So lets keep doing it, taking what we can from others, to make us whole again, to make full again our broken and aching hearts.
After all, they should never have opened their hearts to us.




☆ This is Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, notice the blue hair.
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You disgust me.










Don't you have anything better to do?









Do you not have loved ones who care for you?









No, nobody would ever lend their heart to you.









You must be all alone.









That's why you disgust me.









That's why you're here.









Your loneliness is repulsive.









Who would ever want to be with you?









No one would ever want to be with you.









Don't you feel ashamed of yourself?









You're dirtied by your loneliness.









No one would love a dirtied soul.









That's why you're here.









Your loneliness dirtied your soul.









That's why you disgust me.

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But Kiryu couldn't have caused the third impact, why would anyone in their right mind discard themselves - physically and in most the truest idea of a self? Kiryu surely wouldn't rob himself of his own memories so willingly. The waking tides of Okinawa, the bustling streets of Kamurocho - all the triumphs, downfalls, love and sadness Kiryu crossed throughout his life in and outside of the Yakuza. He is an idealist after all ... perhaps his naivety of what human instrumentality truly meant, conceited him.

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Love is so cold, it's infatuating.
Little by little I break off pieces of my heart to give to those I love.
But love is so cold, I often end up with little left to offer.
Would you love me if I gave you my warm heart?
Of course you wouldn't.
There's nothing left of my heart.



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☆ This is Rei Ayanami from Evangelion, notice the blue hair.
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Sometimes in life, you get dealt the sh*ttiest of hands. Sometimes you concede to circumstances that seem beyond your control. We often lash out to find anyone and anything to latch on, to obsess over and distract ourselves from the self-loathing - and self-doubt. We conceit ourselves and our hearts with self-destructive habits before inevitably burning out. Who knows how many people we will hurt on the way down, or how much heavier the burden of regret will weigh us down. Eventually we will pay the cost of our consequences, in full. Lose everything and everyone we cared for. Hate and lose our own self-identities. Exist in a cold void of nothingness and silence. But.

That's just the merry-go-round of life, to be blessed and cursed in life - to often fail ... but no matter the circumstances, even if only a little bit - even in the most seemingly inconsequential of ways ... we can get back up and try again. The smallest of strides can make the biggest difference when your mind is in a bad place, so choose life and choose to better yourself - no matter how small - just so long as you try and I promise you, you'll look back on those bad days with pride. Pride knowing that the end of those dark times were the beginnings of life for you ... and life is good.


Also.


Since no one is actually gonna read up to this point, I might as well come out and say that somewhere on the internet, exists an Nishikiyama x Kiryu BL fan fiction I wrote. Later nerds.


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Fin. The End.