Crusader Kings II

Crusader Kings II

221 ratings
A comprehensive guide to starting Crusader Kings II
By Space Monkey
Crusader Kings II is a Grand Strategy game developed by Paradox Interactive; the same developers that brought you Hearts of Iron and Europa Universalis.

Paradox games are well known for being difficult to learn, but deeply rewarding to play. It is not an unusual occurance to log dozens, if not hundreds of hours after you learn the ropes.

This guide will be a valuable tool to the new player, as well as being comprehensive enough to teach seasoned veterans a thing or two.

Let's get started shall we?
   
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The first step
So you've decided to take the plunge. Congratulations. But what happens now?

Don't worry. I have you covered.

The first thing you need to do is to find a button that looks like this.


It may be a different color or it may have a backlight. It doesn't matter. Press this button.
The Waiting Game
By now your computer should have started making noises. Your fan should have turned on, and some lights might start flashing. Don't panic! This is perfectly normal.

Your monitor should also have turned on by now. You will find that there's not a whole lot you can do at this point but that's perfectly normal as well.

You will see a variant of this logo pop up, and that just means that everything is progressing as planned. Just a while longer!

The Memory Test
So you've gotten this far. Congratulations!

Unfortunately, this step requires a bit of memory on your part so I can't be of much assistance if you are lacking in that department.

A blue screen should have popped up by now. On that blue screen there should be a white rectangle.

What you want to do is find this object and put your hand over it.


Like the button from the beginning, it may be a different color or a different shape, but you'll know it when you see it.

Move that around and you will see that a little triangle shape on your screen moves around too. What you want to do is move that little triangle into the rectangle and press your left finger down once. You should hear a clicking sound.

Now, you need to find this big sucker.


Put your fingers over it and this is where it gets tricky

You will see that each button on it contains a character, such as character, letter, or symbol. What you need to do is use your fingers to press the corresponding buttons until you have typed out your password.

Now, the password will show as something like ******, don't worry. This is for your own protection and you are in fact, typing out actual letters, numbers and symbols.

Now move the first object to the arrow shaped button next to the white box and press your left finger down again.

PHEW! You can relax now
More Waiting
Now that you know how to use your mouse and keyboard, it never hurts to get a little practice. You will be waiting around a bit more at this point so feel free to jiggle your mouse around or mash keys on your keyboard. You will be using them both shortly. You should see a bunch of icons pop up and your computer will probably make some clicking sounds.

It's kind of like popcorn. Once the popping slows down, you take them out of the microwave. Once the clicking slows down, then you can do stuff with your computer.
Almost There
Luckily for you, this step is very simple. Just a bit annoying if your screen is cluttered with lots of icons.

You will need to find an icon that looks kind of like this. Once again it may not be the exact same match but hover your white triangle over it and press your left finger down twice quickly.


Now a gray box should pop up and you do a little bit of waiting. Then your screen should be covered with gray.
The Grand Finale
Okay. Now it is time to get excited.

There is a button called LIBRARY near the top left of the big gray rectangle. Click that and find Crusader Kings II on the menu to the left. Click the play button and you should be good to go! That wasn't so hard was it?

Congratulations!

You have just successfully started Crusader Kings II. May your journey be an enjoyable one :D

32 Comments
Steelchill 2 Sep, 2018 @ 4:12pm 
Faggot
Rolhn 6 Apr, 2018 @ 11:34am 
Such a troll
BigCountryBL 6 Dec, 2017 @ 2:00am 
It was a little funny the first few lines, kinda got stupid that it kept going though. Meh, to each their own.
EdenStarGazer 9 Mar, 2017 @ 4:41pm 
I read every word. :emofdr: Laughed too. :legitimacy:
Varien 6 Mar, 2017 @ 8:02am 
Probably the most legit guide ever lmao. The title fits perfectly.
esmartin 26 Dec, 2016 @ 12:25pm 
How disappointed are you really? Come on. There are plenty of "serious" guides for Crusader Kings II on Steam, as well as several of... these. What did you expect? This is Steam. Aren't we allowed to have jokes on it now?
jota_efe 23 Dec, 2016 @ 1:28pm 
It's dissapointing that this shit was posted more than 1 year ago and hasn't been removed. Arent there moderators?
nelenna 24 Sep, 2016 @ 12:07pm 
WHAT?
Someone made a joke on the internet? That's TERRIBLE!
How could you, George.
Space Monkey  [author] 6 Aug, 2016 @ 5:19am 
Lol. This fuckin guy
justinsane11 6 Aug, 2016 @ 1:27am 
they have fucking moderators checking every thread of every post out there but they can't hire someone who's job it is to delete all these so called effing strategy guides that do nothing more then tell a very long, very stupid joke, or at the minimum put them in one spot (actually 2, one for actually funny joke topics, and one for monstrocities like this one)