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The Ultimate Get Good Guide for Apex Legends - Become more cracked than your GTA San Andreas copy!

By Exibit

An educational experience that will allow you to successfully 360 no-scope aceu with P2020 in 9 out of 13 cases!

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Exibit
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Category: Achievements, Characters, Classes, Co-op, Crafting, Game Modes, Gameplay Basics, Loot, Maps or Levels, Modding or Configuration, Multiplayer, Secrets, Story or Lore, Trading, Walkthroughs, Weapons, Workshop

Languages: English

Posted

Updated

24 Aug, 2021 @ 10:21am

24 Aug, 2021 @ 3:59pm

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Guide Index

Overview

About me

Health Warning

Sponsored by

System Requirements

A controller - because playing games without aim assist is so 2000. If you are poor and don't have a controller, you can use:
Mouse and keyboard - The ultimate hardcore experience, designed only for the true fans of challenge, the masters of masters, superior in every way humanly and alienly possible, like bro there is no way controller could EVER compete with KBM, like legit PC master race lmao imagine playing on console with 30 FPS dogsh*t graphics lol my grandma's 10 years old laptop could run PS5 titles in 8K and it'd look better than on ur sh*tty brick lol imagine...- oh sorry, wrong subreddit.
Headset for $30 max with active random background noise amplifier - because everyone wants to hear your favourite Generic Rapper #9841's album, your little sister throwing things around you for no reason whatsoever and your mom asking you to go take out the trash.
$300 each 1 - 2 months for events - EA and Respawn are small indie companies. They are barely scraping by and could use your help. Please, donate $300 to EA and Respawn, and receive 24 cosmetic items AND a bonus cosmetic melee weapon for free! Remember that destroying kids in videogames is meaningless if you don't look cool...ish, I mean, have you seen some of the skins like wtf
Friends - This is debatable, because chances are your friends will be even more useless than randies but atleast you can yell at randies and not feel bad about it, so, I mean...

Controls

You will need the following buttons:

W and S - for moving forward and occasionally backwards. Rumor has it that players above the Silver rank can use A and D as well for dodging enemy fire but I haven't personally witnessed that yet whilst spectating my teammates.
Interact / grab items button - it is worth considering remapping this button to your right mouse click. ADS in this game is overrated, and you really need to make sure to pick up all the loot before anyone else can. Feel free to create macro to ensure that you ALWAYS get the loot. It's a scientifically proven fact that we live in a society where teammates in videogames are the cause of exactly 99.8% failures. Trust me, they're just walking loot pinatas.
Alt + Tab - perhaps the most important button of all, allowing you to watch Meme compilations on Youtube whilst you are the jumpmaster. Enjoy the glorious rage as your teammates describe the 50 different ways they f*cked your mom last night after you drop on the very edge of the map and go 10 minutes without a single fight.
Alt + F4 - use this if you get downed first cuz who the f*ck has time to wait for your teammates to revive you lmao I could win 5 games in that time. Pressing this during a finisher increases the efficiency and raises the chance for the enemy to call you a l*ttle b*tch by 100%.
Insert button - only for Apex Express Members - allows you to open a cheat menu and turn on modern tactical advantages to help you find and eliminate your opponents! Tired of opponents always seeing your position and hitting suspicious shots? Your favourite streamer tweeted that the game is full of cheaters but nothing happened? Say no more, fam. Purchase Apex Express for $29.99 a month on ICompensateForSmallPenisByCheatingInVideogames.freewebsite.org and play the game the evidently intended way! Go Apex Express - because even Hitler didn't fight fair!

Plot

Welcome to Apex Legends
We are living in a very dark future. A future where Hunger games are actually legal. A future where antivaxers finally got what they wanted - they were right for once. Humanity has collapsed after getting injected with suspicious, very quickly developed vaccines that were obviously just a cashgrab. People were dying left and right, leaving Bill Gates with no one to control...wait, so does Bill Gates want to kill people or does he want to control them? I'm kinda confused. Maybe he wants to kill people and THEN control them?Anyway, a new great evil is looming over humanity. An evil far greater than your mom's favourite Facebook conspiracy group. In the history of our ancestors, we have never had to face such a dangerous threat. Our legends, originally destined to fight among each other in staged trailers for new Seasons in which somehow everyone is always one shot and the player is just mowing them down - must unite to eradicate the ultimate biological lifeform known as:
Coming from the lands of COD, CS, or even Fortnite, these dangerous beings now threaten the world of gamer dads, bad players, rich whales, 12 years old kids and people with 3 jobs, 2 wives, 5 kids and horse-riding as hobby who somehow feel like their opinion about balance in a game they play once a month for 20 minutes has a lot of value.

Set in Titanfall universe, which is literally the only thing 90% of the playerbase knows about the storytake on the role of one of the 17 characters, and fight against the curse of sweaty tryhard nobodies that can't possibly have a job, a girlfriend or any sense of a good life really if they sh*t on you in Apex, because we all know that taking a game seriously means you're not having fun.

Choose your side! Get destroyed by 1.0 KD players, then proceed to moan on Reddit about going against Apex Predators all the time. Or, proceed to destroy 1.0 KD players, then call everyone who wants a better SBMM a sh*tter who should just get better at the game.

Learn about the deep and entertaining story of our 16 heroes in modern and very immersive form of storytelling - reading! We used to have PVE missions with a bit of dialogue here and there but we realized that we're not getting paid enough for placing 20 dogs on random parts of the map for players to shoot. Maybe we can release it as a $60 game in the future?

Fight endless waves of enemies in exclusive Apex Horde Mode as you kill team after team after team, only to get domed by a solo from the 6th team that decided sticking around and being annoying after his teammates left was somehow a productive way to spend his time.

Prove your might! Engage your enemies in 1v3 scenarios, get them all one shot because you ALWAYS get them one shot, right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), curse at your teammates for not being suicidal and then proceed to leave the match. Feel free to visit the Steam Community Hub to socialize with other people and complain about how dogsh*t the game you probably play everyday is. You can also check out the Steam profile of the player and leave a spicy comment. That will show 'em!

Experience an unique, exciting feature: The thirst system! Down an enemy, then waste another two magazines finishing them off whilst your team is getting destroyed. Be warned, however, as according to the Terms of Service, you are legally obligated to finish downed people, ESPECIALLY if they clearly have nothing of value and you're getting pushed hard by another team. Failure to do so can result in you being sued by EA for being a bot.

Explore three different maps, offering dozens of memorable locations that you check out once and then proceed to land in the same 3 spots every match:

Starring

Commercial Break

I used to be really bad at Apex. I kept going down in the first two minutes of a fight, even when I found R99 with purple extended magazine and a gold armor and my enemy had no gun at all. My friends all laughed at me. I was hopeless. After hearing it was very popular in this game, I even considered purchasing a DDOS service subscription to help me win atleast some fights. All hope was lost, when suddenly I discovered:
After purchasing the one-year plan (now for whopping 77% off!), I could not believe my eyes. While it did not necessarily make me a better player, I finally had an excuse for being bad at the game! I could set my VPN to the other half of the world, and I could PINg all my bad plays!...- Get it? Cuz I could pin all my losses on ping? No? Really? ...Well ok then.

Get NordVPN now and have an excuse to be sh*t at videogames!

Characters

The following section was originally intended to have pictures. However, because I'm a dumb*ss and can't figure out how to properly format pictures in Steam editor and I also don't want to put more effort into this section than Respawn puts into their Battlepass rewards, you can just use your imagination.

Bloodhound AKA The UwUhound
She / He / It / ???; for some reason the sexiest character in the game, has a lot of edgy lines and a weird fetish for crows (I mean we're all into something, right?), a big fan of the Allfather
Passive ability = Tracking down plebs
Tactical ability = Tracking down plebs with wallhack
Ultimate ability = Tracking down plebs with wallhack, thermal vision, an unique Black N' White filter (#NoRacism) and the speed of all the RTX 3080s getting sold out
Lifeline AKA The Black African Cheerleader
"Mozambique here", apparently really hard to balance, appears to be overly positive considering the circumstances - might actually be depressed
Passive ability = F*cking you over by reviving her entire team in 5 seconds whilst you're getting third-partied
Tactical ability = A healing drone that had to get buffed massively so people wouldn't just ignore it and run off and they still sometimes do
Ultimate ability = A care package drop with like 5 minutes cooldown that usually only serves to let the last squad know where you are so you can finally f*cking fight. Not gonna line I originally forgot to write this one in because of how useless it is lmao
Gibraltar AKA "Look at us, we have a gay character!"
You can't miss him - literally, half of the characters used to have negative perk because of his body weight, somehow gets an additional perk for being a fat c*nt (McDonalds propaganda), people playing him tend to camp (probably because he feels so slow, they don't even realize they're not moving)
Passive ability = ADS shield to help people that can't hit their shots win more gunfights
Tactical ability = Protection dome... yes, that's it
Ultimate ability = An orbital strike that somehow only hits the enemies once every 100 matches
Bangalore AKA Definitely an American
Has an unhealthy emotional attachment to guns, the highest potential to be a school shooter, her hair kinda looks like food
Passive ability = Dodging bullets like Neo
Tactical ability = A smoke that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't depending on how the game feels like
Ultimate ability = An airstrike that you use to f*ck over your own team whilst trying to push an enemy
Caustic AKA The Shrekstick
Kinda like Disney villain, but a lot more edgy; looks like real life cosplay of Shrek, Hitler would love this guy, he looks garbage until he wipes your whole team, then you'd riot to get him nerfed
Passive ability = He can see enemies in his own farts...?
Tactical ability = A multifunctional fart bomb that you use to A.) Perform another genocide, B.) Block door so you can camp and C.) Randomly throw around the map and still somehow hit people with it
Ultimate ability = You remember when you were a kid and your friend or older sibling would fart in their hand and then bring it up to your face? Kinda what Caustic does, except he throws it instead
Octane AKA The Loothoarder
Enjoys blowing himself up - should probably get in contact with Taliban, is a hyperactive nutjob, people playing him have a tendency really, really, REALLY like looting, getting their team killed and also wasting time
Passive ability = Health regen that somehow leads some people to believe that they don't need healing items
Tactical ability = A dose of heroin that makes him really speedy - use this to either rush into gunfire and get downed and / or to waste time annoying people as you're running around the entire map while you're the only one alive and your teammates are waiting in the lobby for 5 minutes already
Ultimate ability = Deployable jump pad that you can throw below your teammates feet in order for them to massively overshoot where they were actually going, or better, f*ck them over during a fight
Mirage AKA The Funny Guy
The most overrated character in the history of characters, says a lot of dumb self centered stuff that people for some reason love, the epitome of Mr. Popular
Passive ability = Turns invisible when downed, giving him a few extra seconds before his enemy inevitably mag dumps him with R99
Tactical ability = Sending out a holographic clone of him that baits idiotslike me
Ultimate ability = Sends out multiple holographic clones, essentially chickening out of a fight because he's actually a massive p*ssy
Wraith AKA Edgy B*tch
The character 80% of the playerbase probably picked first, super cool and super edgy, was originally a Naruto character but the creator realized she had a potential to be more edgy than Sasuke-kun so he had to cut her out, will probably get nerfed again because people play her a lot and we can't have that in Apex,
Passive ability = Schizophrenia
Tactical ability = Wasting time by being undamage-able for few seconds, then dying anyways
Ultimate ability = Making a portal so you and your friends can back off from a fight which instead ends up being used by another team to shoot you in the a*s
Crypto AKA That One Guy We All Know That's Really Into Anime And Also Overly Serious
Asian version of Aiden Pearce from Watch Dogs, a walking English To Japanese translator, his entire identity is based on his surveillance drone (honestly, he should just be replaced by the drone anyway, I mean his Passive is not even his and if I wanted to hear edgy quotes, I'd just visit the Facebook profiles of my friends and look at their high school profile pictures)
Passive ability = HIS DRONE gets to mark things... yeah
Tactical ability = He gets to deploy his drone so that his drone can then mark things... oh, and he stand on one spot and control him
Ultimate ability = His drone can stun anyone within certain vicinity, players will do this just to randomly stun you for no reason when sitting inside a building 100 m away from you
Pathfinder AKA Terminator and WALL-E's unwanted son
Very advanced AI capable of smart*ss comments and roasting people, half his lines are actually quite scary if you think about them
Passive ability = Scanning survey beacons reduces the cooldown of his Ultimate...Yes, I'm serious.
Tactical ability = Grappling hook - because every game in 21st century needs one!
Ultimate ability = Creating a zipline, ideally leading to unreachable places so you can play like a b*tch
Loba AKA The Rich Hoe (did I spell that right?)
Basically a horse girl = she's rich and she's got daddy issues
Passive ability = Wallhack on purple items so you can always steal the best stuff from your team
Tactical ability = Can throw her bracelet and teleport to it, has 5 seconds long animation before she can actually do anything after teleporting so often times she'll just get destroyed
Ultimate ability = A loot market allowing you to pick up loot from certain distance incase you're lazy like me to actually run through the area and loot, also serves great for stealing loot from people who just finished fighting and revealing your position to them in the process.

Characters Part 2

Edgy Steam put Edgy character limit on my Edgy guide and I had to split this section into two Edgy parts lmao imagine, 10/10 IGN would split your guide again

Revenant AKA The Edgy ReaperYes I'm aware that I used the word "edgy" 20 times in the last 5 paragraphs leave me alone it's not my fault that emo kids could literally off themselves on how edgy this game is (don't do that kids, Morgan from The Walking Dead taught me that All life is precious - except for those that enjoy pineapple on pizza)
Robotic grim reaper from discount store with $500 scythe, angry all the time just like League of Legends players,
Passive ability = He turns into a beta version of Spiderman without being able to shoot webs or anything like that
Tactical ability = Silence spell from Final Fantasy, except he throws it instead
Ultimate ability = A totem that grants him and anyone who uses it an additional health bar incase you're like really bad at the game
Horizon AKA That Scottish Gal
She's Scottish, she's got Scottish accent, she talks like a Scottish person, she talks like a Scottish girl, her default skin is the only good skin (every other skin looks more like an alternative outfit for Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story)
Passive ability = Anti-stumble protection for when she jumps off 30 meters tall building
Tactical ability = A vortex that lifts her back up the building she just jumped off, includes bonus perk in form being unable to hit more than two shots on someone inside the vortex
Ultimate ability = Basically a black hole that's supposed to pull all your enemies into one place but usually they just run through it and it pulls your teammates instead
Wattson AKA The Only Girl in the Tech class
Looks Russian, doesn't sound Russian I think, I'm bad at accents, she has a refined sense of humor, probably stuck her fingers into power outlet at some point (would explain a thing or two)
Passive ability = Destructive pun jokes that will make you cringe at first but eventually you will warm up to them... Also she regenerates shields and can carry more Ultimate Accelerants What are those again?
Tactical ability = Electricity-powered fences that you can use to create obstacle runs inside or on top of buildings
Ultimate ability = A generator that regenerates shield of people in its' vicinity in an attempt to confuse you and make you panic when you're shooting an enemy that your teammate supposedly cracked
Fuse AKA The Alphamale
The best videogame adaptation of Rambo so far, lost brother of Mr. Torgue from Borderlands series, has a very manly mustache, kinda looks like your high school gym teacher
Passive ability = You have Arcstar, you have Arcstar, here's some for you, and you!
Tactical ability = A banana grenade from Worms except with less damage and really f*cking sketchy range
Ultimate ability = Napalm circle that basically never does what you want it to do
Valkyrie AKA ROCKETMAN
Has a jetpack... enough said
Passive ability = Running away from fights
Tactical ability = A rocket barrage to kill that one guy in cover that your teammate got low so you can feel a bit useful
Ultimate ability = Running further away from fights
Seer AKA Buy 1 Get 2 Free
Apparently the devs were afraid that having 3 abilities would not be balanced enough, so they gave him 10 instead, had to get nerfed 2 weeks after season release, devs claim he was playtested - if I ever heard a good conspiracy theory, it's that one; he's also literally the worst looking character in the game, very likely homosexual (can't wait for Gibby X Seer fanfics)
Passive ability = Mini-wallhack on ADS with 70 meters plus range BECAUSE BALANCED
Tactical ability = A projectile-ish line that you can shoot at enemies to cancel their healing and abilities and reveal their positions and health bars for like 6 ish seconds or something (also used to damage and blind them BECAUSE BALANCED)
Ultimate ability = An orb you throw to have 24/7 wallhacks on anything moving or shooting in its' vicinity with 2 minutes cooldown BECAUSE BALANCED
Rampart AKA Rampart
This character is boring, irrelevant, annoying and will lose all her teeth by 40 from all the bubble gum she chews. Don't play her.

But wait...

What if I told you something that would absolutely blow your mind? Queue in the X-Files Theme song and check this out:

"It's just one skin, what you on about?"

"That's just a coincidence."

THAT'S A PATTERN!

BUSTED! RESPAWN ENTERTAINMENT = F*CKING FURRIES! (ngl i think furries are fun and kinda cute and i follow loads of them on Tik Tok please dont crucify me

I'd just like to point out that, like...

my guide for Dead by Daylight from 2016 is highly critically acclaimed, sitting at mindblowing 5 stars.

So what's it to you, you ask? Well, you see, not giving me 5 stars now would mean you disagree with all the people that gave me 5 stars back then, and you'd also officially be an AntiExibiter. And you don't want to be that, fam.

Not gonna lie, writing this part made me mildly depressed because I just got hit by that feeling when you realize the biggest achievement in your life is a Steam guide from 2016 - back when you were still a teen and carefree and now you're becoming a bigger boomer every day getting destroyed by 16 years old swaggers with the Power of Youth and 0.002 ms reaction speed and you should probably consider saving up for a casket before you're 30 and basically a senior.

So please, be a nice person, drop 5 stars here, 5 stars on my other guide, a lovely comment, and $20 donation to my PayPal account. Covid life is tough for an useless college student, and man's gotta buy more heirlooms eat.

Undepress me, daddy, and I'll tell Santa to bring you something this year!

Weapons

Due to budget reasons (read as: me running out of jokes, spending too much time on this, and also not working when I should be working) and this guide already being longer than average child's lifespan in Africa, I have decided to cut this short and only mention the most important parts. If this guide gets me 5 stars and a girlfriend I will think about writing a DLC.

R99 is the most important thing in this game and you should use it at all times - even in title screen. R99 is love, R99 is life. If you are not using R99, you are a bad player and you should go back to COD.
R301 is basically R99 with worse hipfire and strafe speed, but better range. It's also a good scrub gun. If you are a bot, use this gun.
All shotguns except for Eva-8 can only do up to 22 damage. If you hit for more than 22 damage, you got lucky - it's a rare glitch and Respawn is already working on it.
Eva-8 can two-shot people, but realistically the only way you'll see that happen is when someone two shots you. Most guns work both ways, this one doesn't.
Flatline is like R-99 with higher damage and potentially better range. But R99 is still BAE. If anyone convinces you otherwise, you have a weak mind and probably believe that Titanic was eaten by Kraken.
P2020 will dissappoint you so many times, they could literally make it two shot people and you'd still hate the thought of using it. #DeathToP2020
It's called Rampage. Not Rampart. Rampage. Rampart is the worst sin in the history of gaming. Rampage is a good gun.
Dying to Mozambique will always be embarrassing no matter the fact that the gun is actually okay now purely because it was a meme gun originally made for artificial sense of upgrading and progression during a match (AKA getting sh*t on and finding a better gun at the start of the next match) Even if one day it does enough damage to one shot people, has 99 bullets in magazine and double the current fire rate, you will still be a bot for dying to it. Don't die to Mozambique, man.
Volt is as good as R99, but R99 is still BAE. If anyone convinces you otherwise, you are weak minded and probably a member of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Cult.
Havoc with Turbocharger is the only way to use it. Devotion with Turbocharger = you are an absolute bot and deserve to get banned.
If you like Prowler, consider switching your method of input to controller. Trust me, you'll love it.

Did you know

Alt + F4 - a very important input - was actually so strong, it had to be nerfed? During the first seasons, the only reliable way to reach Apex Predator rank if you had sh*t teammates but felt entitled to the beautiful red dive trail so beautiful, it attracts virgin teams and makes them land on you, punch you out, T-bag you and call it a "tactics". was to indeed Alt + F4 every time your team was about to lose in order to preserve your RP. How am I supposed to reach Pred now wtf Respawn?[/spoiler]
Data from Apex Legends subreddit suggests that there is 77.98% chance that your Wraith teammate will initiate a 1v3 gunfight and die.
Harsh hot take that is true to 99% groups - if you're playing with friends and one of them dies and gets finished less than 1 minute into the match, chances are they'd secretly prefer for you to die rather than kill everyone and revive them, because by then you will probably have tons of damage, kills, and loot, and they'll feel f*cking useless. Please, be mindful and die more often.
If someone in your team picks up Kraber, you lose that team member. You are now 2 v 3. Occasionally, you might get lucky when he hits his 1 out of 20 shots.
Running to a crate that someone else has opened and stealing all the loot from hit increases your chances of getting better loot from the next crate he opens. You should do this tactic as often as possible, especially when playing as Octane.
If your friend says something along the lines of: "I need to pee / I need to get a drink / I need to go AFK for any reason", it means he will 100% be the jumpmaster. You will also most likely not realize it in time and land in some sh*thole.
Remember to always loot the deathbox that your teammate is looting. Doing so activates the Power of Friendship, and you get to jack all the attachments he needs, while also simultaneously making him secretly resent you. not speaking from experience or anything
CDC confirms that all men in the age group of 13 to 77 willingly using sniper rifles in Apex Legends suffer from shrunk balls syndrome. The effects on women are unknown - we have yet to see girls in Apex (safe to say it probably makes their boobs smaller or something).

And now, it's time for a joke!

And the joke is:

GOT HIM!...No, wait, I'm sowwie, plis no kill, iz an obligatory ur mom joke, these are still very funny in 2021 man, it's a classic, come on, dun be mad.

Cute picture of my cat for absolutely no reason

The end

Hi, everyone. Thank you for wasting 15 minutes of your life reading this piece of garbage!

Make sure to leave 5 stars and drop a comment on your way out in order to become my number #1 BFF. Doing so will also earn you a spot in a raffle where you can win free Minecraft vore porn that I will personally send to your DMs!

Finally, please keep in mind that just like my existence, this guide is mostly a joke and not meant to actually offend anyone! If I get rich, hot and popular from this guide, I will probably consider writing sequel or something. Or I will just post more pictures of my cat because I'm a lazy mofo.

Either way, cheers for stopping by, have a nice life!

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