This guide is humorous and not completely serious and does not reflect the actual views of the author. Any relation to people, things or events, real or fictional is purely coincidental. I am not responsible if your ♥♥♥♥ gets caught in a celing fan.

Global Elite puts you above all the rest, once you're global elite you're clearly not a hacker, not a casual and not a noob. Clearly when you are global elite, the opposite gender will come flocking to you. This provides you with a multitude of benefits.

For the males, the girls will notice how much of a nerd and no lifer you are and will gladly and willingly seek to be your life partner. You will be the most popular person in real life, even more popular than Justin Beiber will ever be amongst the females.

For the females, you have shown the world the power of girl gaming and can now be given a nobel peace prize to recognise your contributions to women equality and women's rights. The men will fear you and will never ask you to make sandwiches because they know you can trash him 1v5 with one hand tied behind your back and ruin his day anyway.

Additionally, since this is the highest rank in the game, your parents will be incredibly proud of your achievement and will recognise your talent. Note that however, this does not apply for asian parents, asian parents are never pleased.

In the gaming world, you will soon be invited to top tier teams like NiP, Titan, Virtus.Pro, iBuypower and Complexity because you are a 1337 pro gamer. Never in the world will you have to study again and slave long hours on boring work that should be done by peasants. You're no peasant! You're the best that the world has to offer!

Before you click on the button to find a match in competitive matchmaking, you need to be prepared to wage the war ahead of you. Being prepared is extremely important. Here are what some people have to say about being prepared.

"My body wasn't ready for this!"
-HIV Positive Individual

"READY"
-Match Found Announcer, CS:GO

"And then someone came in like a wrecking ball!"
-Victim of pop music

As you can see, being prepared is excessively important. Winning control of the game is almost always dependant on this.

In the next section I'll cover a few of the things you can do to help you win the game from the start.

To be completely pro, you need to be a hipster. No one can control what you do, you're the best, it's OK for you to be non-mainstream. For a start, we'll throw classic advice out of the window. Your mouse settings should always be as high as possible. Why else would you pay for a $900 gaming mouse other than the fact it states it has 18000 dpi. If you're not using all that DPI you might as well be using the apple magic mouse that pesants use. You are going to be professional global elite, maximize your resources.

Additionally, do not use raw input. We like our food cooked and hence our input should be too. Ensure that if you're using windows your tracking speed is set at it's highest. Diagram provided for your convenience.



If you're using mac, you're already doing something right because next to nobody uses it. I cannot help you because I'm not going to share my 1337 mac preferences.

In game, your mouse sensitivity should always be as high as possible. Recommended numbers include 69, 420 and 1337. These numbers have shown to give you minimum pixel skipping and allow you to get enhanced precision.

"Wait nub y u use high sens gaayyyyy f0rest and GeT_RiGhT doesn't use it n3rd!"
Higher sensitivity enables you to quickly check corners which is key in this game. It also allows you to deal with sneaky flank attacks with ease due to your amazing ability to turn around with high sensitivity. Nobody needs aim anyway when the whole game centralizes on who has less ping when peeking corners. Furthermore the in-game section will contain more tips on how to make use of your proness in mouse skill to be an even more efficient killing machine.

Bonus tip: Set mouse acceleration as high as possible. Mouse acceleration makes your fast mouse swipes faster, which is crucial in a game. It also is extremely useful for making your worthless teammates that died before you do and are forced to spectate you nauseous and throw up at how exceptionally good you are at this game.

The next step to becoming the greatest player in the world is to train. Training sucks and we know that, but it is necessary to achieve world domination. Even pro players hate having to train, that's why de_train is the most veto'd map in CS:GO

In order to be the best, you need to acquire all the training resources in the world. This is relatively simple. Simply go to the workshop tab in CS:GO under "play game" or "offline with bots" and it will bring you to the workshop. To obtain the materials to start a nuclear war, simply type "training" into the search bar and download all the available maps by hitting the subscribe button. After you're done with that, search for "aim" and download all the maps again. Finally repeat the above step for "AWP" and "Deagle". Once that's done, you'll find your computer will be bloated full of CS:GO maps you'll probably never use and that your ISP has throttled your internet for downloading way too much garbage at one time. In the event that that happens, you may considered migrating. I recommend 'Murica because it's a free place where there's freedom of speech and 100% no NSA and FBI to spy on you and censor all the stuff they don't want you to see. It's also 100% democratic with 0% corruption and no national debt whatsoever. The politicians there are hardworking and legitimately interested in the nation's future. Anyway that should be enough talk about countries, they should be paying me for such a lovely writeup about them.

Once you're done with downloading, you may proceed to the next step.

Call Of Duty Counter Strike: Global Offensive is possibly the most tactical game ever created. It's also the most realistic game ever that is capable of running on a potato. Nevertheless, you'll never be the best without proper strats. This is where the guide aims to help you with.

All professional gamers will tell you that the pistol round is possibly the most important round in a competitive game. It dictates the flow of the game and gives whoever wins it a massive confidence boost. Here are a few pointers for the pistol round.

This is a no brainer. Obviously the best gun in the game and has such ludicrous DPS. It fires 50% faster than the p250, making it the clear choice for wiping the buts of all the scrubs on the opposing team.

However, if you're a dumb person and forgot to equip the best gun in the game, buy the dual berettas instead. While the rest of the people are going to fire their stupid glocks and p2000s, you have 2 guns on you, which instantly makes you twice as likely to win any encounter with anyone.

Never use the P2k because it's too accurate and has so much less recoil than the USP.
Always remove the silencer of the USP because you don't give two sh¡ts about the enemy hearing you. Use the glock in burst fire mode always, because the pros always burst with their guns, so why not burst all the time. Everything should be fine unless you burst into laughter.

In the event that your team is matched up against nothing but hacking morons, resulting in you losing rounds to silver 1s with no money for you to buy, do not feel discouraged or have the inclination to uninstall. Never do that, it's what professional hackers do to try and win the game easily. You are the best player in the world, and with pro strats, you can beat even the world's richest hackers. Simply follow the golden rule of turning things around

Buy the Nova. It's the most (cost) effective weapon. Just look at these pros getting sick frags with them.

PS: all the pro tips from the first video helps u to be global elite too. I'd recommend the full CS:GO MLG PRO series as reference to be a better gamer.
Twitch Video Of Pro Nova Frags on stream[www.twitch.tv]

In order to wreck maximum havoc, you need to use the Pro90. It costs $2350 and is available for both the Bomb Planting Squad and the Bomb Deplanting Squad. It has 50 ammo rounds with 100 in reserve. This gun will allow you to show the world you are better than GeT_RiGhT. Here's what the community has to say about how amazing the Pro90 is.

"♥♥♥♥♥ p90 sh¡ts"
-Veteran CS:GO player

"That gun has no recoil!"
-Peasant with 5 hours of CS:GO

"Gayest gun in the century"
-Everyone else

In order to win rounds, you need to use this gun and find a target. Upon acquiring a target, crouch and unload the entire mag in their general direction. If you're not unloading the entire mag, you're doing things wrong.

Alternatively for those who have better reflexes and are amazing at playing DDR on a keyboard, you may consider mashing A and D while unloading your clip to be more efficient.

Obviously by unloading your entire clip you are only going to kill 3 people with one Pro90. That is not a problem. Because you are a super pro future global elite you would have remembered ingame step 1: buying the cz75. The CZ75's superior DPS will allow you to get 2 more kills for that ace should your team happen to be sufficiently useless that it has come to that.

PS: make sure you have kevlar at all times, you nutcase.

Grenades are a huge part of CS:GO because this game is sofukintactical. Good use of grenades will almost certaintly help you win the game.

Decoy grenades are the second most cost effective grenades in the entire game. Costing just $50 and capable of doing ONE damage, yes ONE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DAMAGE, not once but TWICE. Now if your mind isn't blown already, then pay attention to this. This grenade should be thrown using LEFT MOUSE BUTTON at any enemy you see. This is extremely effective on pistol rounds where the 1 hp advantage will surely help you win any firefight. It's also useful for after you have used your HEgrenade and have no other grenades left to throw at the opponents. In the event you have a HE grenade, then you should throw your decoy at spawn instead. To do this well, aim at your teammate and hit Mouse 1.

Now everyone will realise the danger of getting high on sugar. It's extremely explosive and is capable of doing severe damage to multiple opponents. To maximize it's usefulness, throw it at a wall so that it lands as close to your teammates as possible so that they can pick it up.

The flashbang blinds anyone who looks at it. Preferably you should throw this in the direction your team is rushing or directly at the enemy. In a pinch, look down and throw it at the ground, since people always look for enemies to shoot, this high level flashbang technique will blind anyone who dares set their sights on your majesty.

Smoke grenades are useful for blocking the opponents views. In a pinch, it works as a slow deploying flashbang. You should throw this at your teammates when they are defending a site, it helps them hide from their enemies.

Molotovs are the essence of the phrase "kill it with fire" and so to get everyone in your team fired up and warmed up for the match, you should ALWAYS throw molotovs straight down at spawn or into the hallway your team is rushing through. This makes sure you are warmed up before any encounter, increasing your battle profeciency tenfold.

Peeking is a core aspect of this game. If you paid any attention at all to step 3, you'd be using the Pro90. In order to peek like a pro with the P90, you should fire while walking around the corner. This advanced peeking technique will kill people quickly as studies have showned that over 40% of combat in CS:GO happen in corners. (and the other 60% in spawn against teammates)
Warning: people may report you to the overwatch police for using such a high level technique.

Losing a round isn't all bad. There's much reason to lose on purpose. One of them is to make defeats more crushing. Imaging losing 16 straight rounds after going 14-0, how bad do you think your opponent feels? They'll probably uninstall, which is best for them anyway since they aren't global elite.

For all rounds you intend to lose, you should buy nothing and drop your pistol at spawn. This is because the knife gives 5x more money and will make losing the round more worth it and the win unsatisfying to the enemy, it is the perfect psychological trap.
Warning: in the event you are about to get an ace with the knife, please open console with the tilda key "~" and type "kill" and press "enter". This will kill yourself to ensure that you lose properly.

Losing Tecnique 1: The Economy ruiner
Winning one round and losing the subsequent resets the losing award money. This prevents your opponents from buying real weapons and prevents them from buying AWPs.

Losing Technique 2: The Maximizer
Losing repeated rounds gives you more award money. Do this to maximize your bank and soon you'll be richer than Bill Gates.

Well what do you do with all the money? That's where the Negev comes in. the negev costs $5700 and rapes everything that comes close to it. The sound of it firing alone strikes fear into the enemy.
The general strategy of the Negev is the same as the Pro90, making it easy to pick up and learn.
As long as you never let go of Left Mouse Button, you will never lose a game.

Spawn with the bomb and your idiotic brainless teammates keep returning it to you as if you guys were playing Counter Strike: Global Tennis? No worries. The following are ideal places to drop the bomb such that you can wipe the enemy team without a care in the world about it.

Having skins makes you a better player and far more likely to be global elite. Research has shown that over 90% of legit Global Elite players have good skins. Clearly there must be some corelation between skins and ability to frag.

Pro90 Skins:
The Pro90 is your main 1337 gun, hence it's wise to invest money in getting one. It's guranteed to make you 420% better at pro90ing

Options are:
Death By Prefire
Cold Blooded Spray
Emerald Prefire
TriSpray
Blind Spray
Spraydown
Glacier Spray
Prefire Warning
Prefired
Spam Spray

Negev Skins:
The negev is your weapon of mass destruction. However, it's skins are few. That's the reason why there are few pro negev users. To ensure that you are pro at negev-ing, make sure to get a skin for it.

Knife Skins:
This is the greatest thing ever. Studies have shown that people with knife skins rank up UP TO 1337% faster and are 9001% more proficient at the game. It also makes people respect you more. Nobody expect the silver 1 with the StatTrak Karambit | Fade which makes them panic and surrender to you before any shots are fired, allowing you to progress quickly through the ranks. However, it is also shown that a large number of people in Global Elite do not use the regular bayonet due to it's huge similarities with the default knife. Hence if you happen to have a bayonet lying around somewhere, you can always contact me to trade it to me for free anytime.

As per popular request, I will reveal the additional secret to becoming global elite.

If you're watch more than 3 seconds of any competitive league, you will immediately notice how not only the players have maximum swag on their skins, they have enough stickers to suffocate a baby on that weapon itself.

For maximum proness, I advocate a minimum of 3 stickers that should always be highly visible and should overlap with each other for maximum sticker synergy.

Why does this work and help to make you global elite? It's simply because the stickers differentiate your weapon from everyone's. They can't mix up your Pro90 Death By Prefire with their own because yours has 4 NiP foil stickers andhas unparalleled and unprecedented levels of awesome. Additionally, there are a cult of fools who think that stickers are bloody ugly. As a result they will immediately discard your weapon due to it's stickers. This is especially useful when the enemy team is ecoing because even if they kill you, they wouldn't want to lay a finger on your stickertastic weapon.

I wish everyone all the best for global elite and to have fun.
If you enjoy sarcasm, feel free to check out my youtube channel. I post videos regularly on fps junk there or something like that ♥♥♥♥.

Also check out http://zhulov3rz.com for FREE CS:GO Lounge oddsway