Herro everyone. I would first like to thank the manufacturer of your computing device for enabling you to surf the interwebs and find this awful guide, and I would second like to thank my mommy and daddy for buying me those expensive Hexbugs that I played with twice and then forgot about when I was 12.

So what makes me a good Muse Dasher? I may or may not hold all the top scores in Muse Dash (definitely not on any of the DLC songs though, because I'm still waiting for my allowance), which may or may not make me the most qualifed individual to write this guide and pass on my most righteous techniques. Below is an image of me after having put my techniques to use.

The suspect is still at large

After you have studied this guide for a couple years and finally found your own rhythm (even though it is actually my rhythm, and I will take you to court if you claim otherwise), you too can overtake the gibberish names on the scoreboard and replace them with way cooler names.

First things first, you have to hear the beat. Check your ears and make sure they are still functional after your little bro's class recital yesterday. I know the 90s ended 20 years ago so we're all feeling ancient and I know our body parts are giving out because we are epic gamers peeing from our gamer chairs, but you should be able to squeeze at least a couple extra days out of those abused eardrums. Any rave-goer will tell you that you'd might as well make them die to music that sounds awesome, even though rave music is pretty crap and makes the rest of the body want to die as well.

If you don't have one already, I recommend that you get one of those expensive headsets that block out literally every foreign sound and make your eardrums want to implode after a few minutes. Make sure it's covered in RGB lights so everyone at the LAN party will know which one of you has the 856 combo streak. Once you've acquired one of these coveted objects of fancy, you'll finally be able to hear those more subdued sounds in a song, which may include the beat if it's not rave music.

Did I say LAN party? I meant lone party

In any case... Omedetou gozaimasu! You have just taken your baby steps, but suppress that tiny flicker of hope because despite what I said earlier, you will never dethrone sqjkzuxvrzchan from their spot on the scoreboard.

...

Hmm? You still want to play even though sqjkzuxvrzchan and the council of 2-key gods won't let you within 10,000 places of them? Congrats, this means you have a healthy attitude and are capable of having fun in a video game.

After equipping your headset, skip school and/or your job to spend the day practicing how to keep a beat. Don't bother with plain old metronomes; they were fine when people were still trying to figure out what entertainment was, but they are boring compared to the modern and civilized alternatives that I am about to present.

1. Listen to your heartbeat, then stop because it's inconsistent, uncomfortable, and basically just a crappy caveman metronome.
   
2. Unequip your headphones, go to a rave, and have the beat physically assault your brain. Even though your sense of hearing will be destroyed, you won't have a problem keeping that beat because your brain will still be reverberating in response.
   
3. Pull up a hentai and find a short looping scene. The moans should roughly sync up with the motion. Now you can keep a beat and beat your meat!
   
4. Use a metronome, but change the beat sound to hentai moans.

My pendulum is moving on its own!

Whatever new-age approach you've decided on, practice it for hours at a time and with such intense concentration that even a Buddhist monk would hang his bald head in shame. A couple years of this grueling regimen should make you a rhythmlord like me if it doesn't kill you first.

Omedetou again! At this point, you have wasted years of your life doing basically nothing, failed to gain any sense of rhythm, wasted $127.99 plus tax on a headset that hurts your ears, offended a Buddhist monk. and lost your job because you stopped showing up except to use the coffee machine. You will surely be filled with crushing regret when I say that you could have instead practiced on Muse Dash itself for a far greater effect while also being able to listen to cool and hip weeb music.

Thus, I would first like to apologize for dirtying the interwebs with this kuso guide that no one should ever have to see. I would second like to apologize for forgetting about that epic Hexbug set that my mommy and daddy bought for me when I was 12, and I would third like to apologize to my body for skipping two meals and subjecting it to 8 hours of writing garbage. I am full of regrets.

Also, I want Marija to step on me. This I do not regret.