Mortem here with the monkey meta guide. This guide is a complete serious guide for those who are Monks but for the rest of people its a joke. I wished to create a guide that helps the monkeys ruin the Hoi4 community. Its already ♥♥♥♥ as it is so might as well make it worse. The guide is no where near completion and come back often as many new "metas" are being made by the engineers of monkistan.

Since i am not a monk of a thousand idea's (none of us have more than 10) im opening up user based sections of the monkey meta. You will be given full credit for the section that you have made IE your username at the top of the section that you have created. If you wish to get in contact with to add to the meta dm on discord @𝕸𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖊𝖒#6985. Finally a cheeky plug to my discord https://discord.gg/JyxsVXz

The act of lobby simming for monks is a very difficult process. The job of a monk is to make the lobby sim even more unbearable to said host. Make sure to pick banned countries (Sweden or Turkey) then ask why you were kicked or banned. Make sure to join discord before getting kicked or banned. You must be immensely impatient and demand people ready up constantly.
When the host finally gets enough people to rehost you take monkey talk into high gear. First you must demand to play in vanilla and if that doesnt work start screeching at the top of your lungs that Tommykay said there would be no rehost. If you are kicked or banned find a new server to monkey.

Another way to be a supreme monkey is to not know what type of game your are playing. Make sure to constantly ask the same questions about the game and if it is a meme game or role play. Make the host wish they never hosted a serious lobby and continue the physiological torture. Attempt to bring in as many monkey's with you. When the host loses control of the lobby you have won.
When any attempt of vetting is tried you must refuse the vetting. Exclaim that the game was all welcome so why should there be vetting for majors. Make you discord name different from you in game name so the host cant tell who in the discord is the player on the country.

The main country you should always strive to play is China. Many historical games ban China as a playable nation because of balancing issues. If the host is on Japan claim that they banned China because they are bad at the game. Make demands that China should be unbanned and that China is required for a rehost in any mod.

And the golden rule is ALWAYS BE NAMED PLAYER

If you manage to infiltrate and make it into the game rehost you must lag the game constantly. You must disregard the meta and if noticed by the majors or other minors say that you will do as they have told but continue on your monkey path. Your division Templates should be the most uneven as possible. This concludes using Mass Mobilization for the reduced combat width to full affect. The division itself should have as many different types of brigade types as possible. The divisions should impossible be to supply and have them stationed where they take constant attrition due to over supply. If your allies arent starving with you you're doing it wrong.
The process of getting to WW2 will be very long and difficult for a monkey's brain but you must continue on your path to ruin the game. If you play as a country that goes to war before the actual start of WW2 make sure to lose the and any allies that support you. Push the blame for losing towards your allies. Purposely lose all resources that you have towards the enemy especially if it is an AI. If you are Japan or Manchu you must lose to China. As japan endlessly grind into China without escalating the war and as Manchu cause attrition to the Japan player to make them eventually rage. The Italian wars in yugo and greece and be very difficult to some but remember you are a monkey. Let the Ai's encircle and push you back until your allies are forced to save you. Constantly tell them that the war is under control and that you are about to push back. The war with Finland is the easiest to mess up. Just run into the finnish lines with 10 width infantry that has no support companies.
If you have done the impossible task of making it to 39 you will awarded with "WW2". The world should already be ♥♥♥♥♥♥ but if you didnt have the chance to, now is the chance. Make sure to desync as soon as war starts so that a rehost is required. If one desyncs they all will. The invasion of Poland should take at least 3-4 years depending on the monkey and France should be impossible to take. Asia shouldnt be able to have a war by 1945 if previous steps are followed.

A monkey's PC must be as bare bones as possible. You must have the most limited and budget PC that is able to load up Hoi4. Make sure to have no more than 4gb of ram. Have a Hard drive instead of a ssd. Make sure your pc will black screen if the game actually starts. Make the Pc desync constantly with the Lag.

The french meta is very simple. You will build up as many military factories and civilian factories in france as possible. Then tell the rest of the allies that you wont be breakable and the germany is bad. Make sure to ♥♥♥♥ talk germany to the point of anger. They angrier the germany the better. The years preceding WW2 will be slow and painful but the reward is even worse. As soon as the germans declare war on Poland try to push the germans with infantry and deorg yourself on the maginot line. The germans should be able to break through making your job easier. Then scramble to the ports and watch yourself get capitulated.

The meta for the United Kingdoms colony's is very complicated. you as a nation under the U.K must do the opposite of what your overlord tells you. Never listen to them. Talk to them like their a monkey like you. Try to push the blame onto other commonwealth members as well. Monkey's dont work together. Be as uselss as possible to your empire leader. Constantly demand to be developed before another commwealth nation is. Make the U.K hate their exsistence. When possible demand the U.K give you their land because you have a core on it (Canada). If you are gracious enough to be the AC for the Allies you should leave the planes in airports to be bombed and demand a constant amount of fuel from the united states. Drain them of all fuel. Make their tanks and navy useless because you demanded all the worlds fuel for your planes. If they deny tell them that its their fault that you lost not your own when you eventually lose the war.

If you are a minor there are ways you should speak to your majors. Disrespectfully slap your ♥♥♥♥ on their face at a moments notice. When they deny your rightful demands throw a fit about how they are elitists and dont want the game to have new players. Attempt to cuck your Major at a moments notice. Act like you are in control of the faction and try to boss the Majors around. Become a defeatist and say the war has been lost at a drop of a hat. When the majors are finally fed up with you delete all of your divisions so you are useless to them. They should be regretting playing a major or Hears of Iron at all at this point in the game

Some people wish to transcend their monkey status. They wish to shake off their old reputation. You are already trapped in purgatory. Once a Monk always a Monk. You are too deep in the monkery to stop. If you really wish to not be a monkey you are too deep in this guide. If you have built a reputation in the collapsing hoi community theres no escape. You have become a Monk of the highest degree. Theres no escape from hell lest you repent for your sins of monkery. You have become the filth that is hated if this is what you wanted so be it. A life of a Monk is a hard one but can be enjoyable at times. Remember Once a Monk always a Monk

Monkeys tend to be named in rather unserious and or flashy ways. They commonly have XXX or _'s in their name. The more that a monkey has the more they are a brain dead vegetable getting their dribble wiped off their face. Some monkeys dont change their name and usually stick to player. These players are they monkiest of all the names. The fact you dont put in effort exudes your lazyness and ability to monk.

I am writing months later from the initial release of "Mortem's Monkey meta For Historical Hoi". The "success" of the guide has inspired me to continue writing continual "meta" in the future.
From yours truly,
Onii