Steper oner: You will need the following items: A gun, a forehead and a top hat.
Step too: gently pull the triger. (This will help you against headaches)

step one: buy boots so that you can run like a female dog.
step 2: now go punch a tower B4 the creeps spawn Bcuz this makes you look inteligent. (If you die it's not your fault the tower was there)
step tree: only damage the players when laning (creeps aren't gonna hurt you)
step fish: jungle and don't use any spells while doing this (then no enemies will see you and kill you)
step FiV3: buy 50 healy potion thingies and then 50 mana potion thingies (there is no way they are going to kill you now)
step siiix: Come to team fights and kill one person then leave (not only will you stay alive but also your team mates will thank you for your amazing contribution)
step VII: if your barracks get destroyed call it a day Bcuz you did your best! (I'm sure your team mates will understand)
step ate: If all fails follow the pictures amazing advice!

step eniz: bring a dummy, some hot milk and dipers. (you will be here for a while)
step to: start cring when you team mates pick a character you wanted (use your creativity here)
step free: If a player asks why there is a baby on Dota respond with "Bcuz yOur MOMMy shOwd dis GaM 2 M3!" (he will agknowledge your brilliant explaination)
step FØØR: if you poop your diper tell your team mates. (people are very interested in your personal life)
step Fiv: ask your team mates for money to buy a cool new toy you saw in the shop (If they don't give the money prusuade them by cring)
Step SIS: If people are arguing with you prove them wrong by point out the obvious such as:
-Team mate: Hey that was my kill!
-You: yes but I wanted that kill!