Hey bro, just got back from a 2 day cocaine bender. I lost my shoes last night, and my debit card declined while trying to buy gas station boner pills and a bottle of Snapple. I owe a lot of money to a lot of scary people. Figured with you on my team, I have the best chance of leaving the country with both my balls intact. I'll give you more details when you're online.

Hey bro, just got back from a 30 year stay at the Gloorpin Intergalactic Anti-Masturbatory Facility. My 3rd cousin was diagnosed with biggus dickus syndrome in both his nuts. Don't know how long he has left, but with you on my team, I feel like he has the best chance in the world to live. I'll give you more details when you're online.

Hey bro, Thought id check in and see how ur doing. My dad just got cancer and we have to put him in an iron lung. dont know how long he has left, but with you on my team, i feel like my dad has more of a chance to live, thanks to your amazing teamwork on [Insert Video Game Title Here] If he dies, its no biggie, ill just have you be my dad. PS Send money, i have Aids

hey bro, just got back from a 1 week stay at the hospital. kristi was diagnosed with multiple blood clots in both her lungs and had to be hosptilized at a facility off island. we just got home about 1 hour ago and she is doing fine, ill give you more details when your online.